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My heart is breaking for my son

I feel so sad, my boy is a very caring and polite young man. he goes to a catholic school where I figured the children would be nicer. What a joke!  The problem is a lot of the boys in his class say horribly mean things to him every day. they pick on him for everything,  the shoes he wears,the way he plays sports the way he draws pictures you name it they find something wrong with it. Yesterday I asked about why doesn't he defend himself. He is afraid of getting in trouble he says. In a way I'm proud that he doesn't lower down to thier level in a way though I wish he would just let em have it. his teacher overheard some of the guys tearing him apart at lunch one day and later adressed my son in front of the class she defended him by saying they are the ones with low self esteem and they have problems in which they put down others to make them selves feel better. You and I know all about that, but not to sure my son feels any relief from the teachers explanation. How can I really help him? it hurts so bad to see him sad after school everyday! He is 11 yrs and in 5th grade. I am crying as I write this :(  can you please give me some sound advice? He does have some friends in school. Mostly the girls. They like him because he is so caring and respectful. his dad and I tell him he will get all the dates  because they will remember how nice he was to them! He is a little bit bigger than the other boys if he had to I know he could hold is own if need be, but really think fighting is not good at all. Please help. One more thing I did try to tell his priniple about some name calling once and she ends up laughing about the name that he was called. That made me and my husband very upset My husband told her she should be ashamed and a few other things also, no profanity just ridicule. I don't mean to imply bad things against catholic shooling I guess I just meant that reality bit me.      I wonder if these kids parents would be at all surprised to know just how hurtful their boys are and do they really care?
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Avatar universal
Thank you David and everyone, I have been away from this board for a while just read the last two posts today. I really think all the suggestions were good ones. It's funny how you find out how your not all alone in your troubles, that what makes boards like this one such a great place to be. Hereis an update... As a matter of fact several weeks before school ended my son finally did it, he punched the worst offender of the group right in the bread basket!!! The kid didn't even hit back. Word spread through school like wildfire and my son was getting high fives all over the place.Even though I don't really care for fighting, I admit I was sooooo glad he finally took care of businness!! I need to add that the guys all treated him much nicer for the rest of the year. Too bad though he will be changing schools in Sept. Going to a public middle school. Oh well, we can only wait and see. But will seriousley think about the karate classes. Have a great summer everyone and thanks again for all your support... Joyce.
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Avatar universal
Joyce, I went to a Catholic school and although I didn't have to endure bullying I did see it happen on numerous occasions. In a perfect world you would just tell the teacher about the problem and hopefully it would be nipped in the bud. But as we all know this is not the case. I remember when I started Secondary school we had a really small guy in our class (12 yrs old)- he was continually bullied by a couple of larger boys. He had advised the teachers etc but this didn't work, then one day he could take no more and exploded against the 2 boys. They were totally shocked, not to mention sore, and it is fair to say for the remaining 3 years of school they left him alone. I am not condoning the use of violence however there are occasions where the individual concerned has come to the end of the road (having gone through all the proper channels without success)and has no option. If your son is a big lad for his age it may be worthwhile enrolling him in karate or something like that to build up his self esteem and confidence. I personally do not think that it would be a bad thing for him to show that he has had enough and hit out at the worst offender (bear in mind that most bullies are cowards). I think that school life would be much more bearable thereafter. My wife works in a school and has seen the same thing time and time again.  The fact that someone retaliates to bullying, in my experience, usually deters the bully from trying it again. Best of luck - hope everything works out OK !!!!
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Avatar universal
Although a lot of you are frustrated with the conflict of retaliation, or continued passivedness. I think the answer to the problem is really quite simple. MY nephew had the same problem a few years back when he was small for his age. My brother simply enroled him in a martial arts class. This was not to teach him to beat up any one, but the class taught him to defend himself if any one attacked him.
Because of his new found confidence, he was no longer a target for the bullies, simply because he didn't carry himself as a target anymore. So I suggest to you all, enrole your sons into a martial arts class. They will learn how to focus their attention, grace, balance, and self confidence. Just my two cents worth from a concerned male. You don't have to result to violence. and that is the first thing they will learn in the class!
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17568 tn?1424973559
My son also has trouble at school with being bullied and ridiculed. We have moved several times therefore does not have any close friends.I'm really getting fed up with what society expects out of our boys. They are "boys", and boys act differently than girls. They have to stand up to bullies, if they don't, the teasing etc. gets worse. If they do,they get suspended or in some kind of trouble at school. What are they supposed to do? I don't condone violence at all, but I don't see any choice but to stand up for themselves. In my mind, it's the bullies and the hopelessness that the victims feel, that cause incidents like Columbine High. Sad but true. I for one am going to start telling my son to stand up for himself. I've had it and he's really had it.
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Avatar universal
Thank you for sharing,
  I just returned from a walk at the lake with just my son.
I took to heart what the Dr. talked about and gave my son plenty of food for thought.  I feel it went really well. He agreed he was not alone in being picked on and that he would shrug it off best he could.
Some of these boys are on again off again friends.  but I'm encouraged now he sees things as maybe not all hopeless.  to help set things straight One example is maybe pay a compliment to someone he's having trouble with for maybe doing a good project or asking "are you ok?" if he sees someone get hurt. (small steps) but hopefully in the right direction. We are going to keep  a positive attitude and really want to turn that leaf over! We did talk to his teacher a while back and she sees nothing wrong with my sons behavior nor does any of the other staff in fact they think he is very very nice. What's the ole saying?
"Nice guys finish last" Thanx Again.
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Avatar universal
Dee
Reading these postings has brought back some very painful memories, ones that were not too long ago.  I have a 16 yr. old son who from the time of pre-school encountered "bullying" in all forms.  It followed him all through school with the worst being in 5th and 6th grade.  Just like the doctor said above, after awhile you have to wonder why this is going on when you know your child doesn't deserve it.  My son was picked on because his shoes weren't the most expensive, but certainly not the cheapest.  He was made fun of because he was smart also - but I learned from aquaintances (since he really had no friends) that a lot of the kids picked on him because they felt he was a show-off in class.  He would get into these long, brainy conversations during class with either the teacher or anyone who would listen.  It made the rest of them feel inferior.  After several trips to the school and meeting with the principal, vice-principal, counselor and teachers I realized I had to help my son help himself.  The school could not stop these kids from picking on him.  I explained to him that while a child should be able to speak up in class and discuss the material, that he was taking it to the extreme.  He confessed that since he was not good in sports or felt like anyone liked him, he thought he could impress everyone with how much he knew.  I had to work with him and the school to first of all not allow the bullying to continue.  That meant that my son went before a school board meeting one night and talked about how it felt to be bullied and instituting a no-bullying policy.  After the meeting was over, I want you to know that all the school board members went up to my son and shook his hand and said he was a fine young man and it took a lot of courage to stand up and say what he did.  But, each and everyone of them gave their own anecdotal story about troubles they had in school and while they did not encourage what I'm about to say, they hinted at it.  More or less they said that nature would take care of itself and sometimes children have to stand up for themselves to be respected.  That is how they got the respect of their peers.  I did not encourage my son to fight back, because like your sons, he never fought back because he knew he would get into trouble at school and at home.  After the meeting, I said no more about it other than to tell my son that he didn't need the attention of these kids and that he could choose his friends.  It wasn't too long after that that some kid stood up in the lunch room while my son was carrying his tray and it spilled his food everywhere.  My son said, "if you want my food so bad, here, have it," then he proceeded to dump the tray on this kid.  Well, of course he got suspended as did the other kid.  I told my son that he had to follow the school rules, but didn't say anymore.  In my mind I was glad he did what he did - very glad.  It was after that that word got around and my son no longer has any problems.  I do not condone retaliation in today's society, but sometimes I think kids have to stand up for themselves.  The school wouldn't do it.  No, this was not something that could have gotten out of control as you hear about on the news.  What was out of control was that the school was not protecting my son and he had a right to an education, but he also had to learn that negative attention WAS NOT better than no attention.  It's a double-edge sword I'm afraid, but it's also part of growing up.

Good luck to you both.

Dee
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Avatar universal
Please e-mail me at ***@****.  I can share some information about Catholic Schools and I would like to continue our discussion.  Misery loves company!
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Avatar universal
I can't believe it. . .but, I am crying too.  My son, who is age 9, also goes to a Catholic school.  He is also polite and caring.  He told me today, and other days, that he has no friends.  He said he wished he would just be invited to some of the parties.  His birthday is coming up and he is afraid that if he has a party no one will come.  My heart is also breaking.  I have two other children, one fared well at the Catholic school and the other also had some social issues.  I am seriously considering changing to the public school in our area.  I will tell you that I have learned that kids are pretty resilient and that your son will find his way.  Right now, however, I know the pain you are going through.  In fact, I am getting ready to go "spy" on him on the playground to see what's up.  Good luck and keep in touch. Shelly.
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242606 tn?1243782648
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Joyce,

There will always be some children who treat others poorly, no matter where children go to school. However, a very small minority of children behave in such a fashion. Most children treat their peers well.

Teasing should certainly not be tolerated or accepted, even implicitly, in any school. But a certain amount of good natured give-and-take among peers is quite common among 5th and 6th graders, and this is to be distinguished from taunting, sadistic teasing or more malevolent behavior.

What your son seems to be experiencing is teasing or ridiculing on a broad scale. When this occurs, an important feature to ascertain is what generates such a response from peers. Are there aspects to your son's behavior that draw criticism from his peers. Why do they seem to target him? What do you think explains it? Why is he singled out for such a response?

In thinking about this, it's important not to construe the others' behavior as justified by any means. But it's also crucial to confront the fact that kids in general do not treat other people poorly, and often (not always) children who are bothered to an unusual degree are behaving in some way that makes them a likely target.

When I see such children in my clinical practice, I try to emphasize with them that they cannot control other people's behavior, but they can influence it, and at the bottom line all they can be in charge of is themselves. Thus, I try to help them figure out how to be their own best assest, instead of their own worst enemy.
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