Aa
My little problem...
I have a 5 year old son and I am at a loss with him...When he is with 1 of his other 4 sibblings he seems to do okay, but when they are all toether he spits, slaps, calls the other kids bi*ches, and everything else in the book...now he lived with his mother and grandparents until he turned 5 which was Sept. of 2010...his mother passed away last October from brain cancer...now I know what you are thinking, his mom just died....well let me tell you, I have been a part of his life the whole time and nothing has changed in his behavior since she has passed away...he has always been like this...his mother and grandparents let him rule the roost when he lived with them....I on the other hand (along with my wife) run a very tight ship...we have had problems with him from day one...all he can say is, "I want to live with my nanna, she lets me do what ever I want and I don't have to do chores"....I don't want to give up on him, I just want to try and figure out what I can do so he can be a part of this family like a 5 year old is suppose to be...a happy go lucky kid....please help
thank you so so much for the advise...my wife and I will be around Barns and Noble this weekend, I think I will look up those books....thanks a bunch.
Oh yes. I'm very sad for this boy. Yes, he has had this behavior predating his mother's death but perhaps he was suffering emotionally then as well . . . a child of parents that have split, a sick mother, different figures in his life with different ideas of what he should and shouldn't do (often hard on a child).
This child needs lots of empathy and kindness to learn right now. Instead of being upset that he hasn't learned correct behavior before now, look at his life as a failure (yourself included) for teaching it to him. That wouldn't be his fault, would it? No. He is now in a position to be helped along to be the great kid he is. That is how you have to look at this. If you get all 'hard guy' on him, it isn't going to work.
The series of books above is excellent. There are two that I've used with my own kids "Hands are not for Hitting" and "Words are not for Hurting". They really help with these two messages. One has to question where he has been--------- my kids don't even know the word "b . . .". Someone is rough and uses rough language around him. Know that. He's got some learned behaviors going. Besides buy the above two books (well worth the investment-------- I got mine at Barns and Noble)--- you may find them at the library. While at the library, check out books on emotions written for kids. This gives kid language for how your son is feeling. If he is mad because he isn't getting his way, how can he use his words appropriately to tell you and the others? Encouraging him to use those words to say how he feels rather than showing it or saying rude things is your first goal. Thinking that he shouldn't feel that way is not helpful. That IS how he feels and expressing it appropriately is your first step in dealing with it. Being really calm and patient with him (even more than you think you should HAVE to be as required by rules of running a tight ship) is essential. It will pay off, I promise you. Habits of behavior are hard to break (for kids AND adults). It takes time. This is also the kind of kid that shouldn't be spanked. It is very confusing---------- don't hit so I will hit you is a mixed message. No hitting means no hitting for everyone.
There is a parenting program that I think you may really like. It is called "love and logic". It is about letting natural consequences be the teacher rather than you having to be the bad guy. An example--------- I have a rule that is calmly stated at our house. IF you fight over a toy, the toy is taken by me. Had the rule for a long time. If my two boys (15 months apart in age) fought over a toy, then I would calmly enter the room and say "So sad. Now no one gets to play with it and I have to take it." Then I'd take it and put it up. Now, I can just say "SO SAD . . ." as I hear them starting to fight over something, and they almost immediately work it out. They don't want it taken away. I don't have to get mad. I don't have to be tough. I just let that consequence calmly hang in the air. We have a wii. Sometimes my guys will get heated about what they are doing in a game. I think this is unnecessary and don't like it. My rule, if you two fight during a wii game, the game goes off for the rest of the day. So then when I hear a bit of loud voices or nasty tone starting, I walk in and say "did I hear fighting???" They say no and stop it. They don't want to lose their wii. Those are just two examples of the Love and Logic program that I use. You can get the book "love and logic" written by Charles Fey and Jim Fey. You can also go to their website and see their other things. If you can find a way to check out or buy the cd listening series, I really like it. Our elementary school uses the program and teaches parents how to use it. They have the materials there and you can check them out. So, if you have older kids, you could check that too.
Your son is going through a transitional time. Just "being in someone's life" does not mean that he should immediatly fit into your homelife structure. Treat what he is going through with respect rather than disdain and help him along. It is a much better and productive route to go. good luck
This child needs lots of empathy and kindness to learn right now. Instead of being upset that he hasn't learned correct behavior before now, look at his life as a failure (yourself included) for teaching it to him. That wouldn't be his fault, would it? No. He is now in a position to be helped along to be the great kid he is. That is how you have to look at this. If you get all 'hard guy' on him, it isn't going to work.
The series of books above is excellent. There are two that I've used with my own kids "Hands are not for Hitting" and "Words are not for Hurting". They really help with these two messages. One has to question where he has been--------- my kids don't even know the word "b . . .". Someone is rough and uses rough language around him. Know that. He's got some learned behaviors going. Besides buy the above two books (well worth the investment-------- I got mine at Barns and Noble)--- you may find them at the library. While at the library, check out books on emotions written for kids. This gives kid language for how your son is feeling. If he is mad because he isn't getting his way, how can he use his words appropriately to tell you and the others? Encouraging him to use those words to say how he feels rather than showing it or saying rude things is your first goal. Thinking that he shouldn't feel that way is not helpful. That IS how he feels and expressing it appropriately is your first step in dealing with it. Being really calm and patient with him (even more than you think you should HAVE to be as required by rules of running a tight ship) is essential. It will pay off, I promise you. Habits of behavior are hard to break (for kids AND adults). It takes time. This is also the kind of kid that shouldn't be spanked. It is very confusing---------- don't hit so I will hit you is a mixed message. No hitting means no hitting for everyone.
There is a parenting program that I think you may really like. It is called "love and logic". It is about letting natural consequences be the teacher rather than you having to be the bad guy. An example--------- I have a rule that is calmly stated at our house. IF you fight over a toy, the toy is taken by me. Had the rule for a long time. If my two boys (15 months apart in age) fought over a toy, then I would calmly enter the room and say "So sad. Now no one gets to play with it and I have to take it." Then I'd take it and put it up. Now, I can just say "SO SAD . . ." as I hear them starting to fight over something, and they almost immediately work it out. They don't want it taken away. I don't have to get mad. I don't have to be tough. I just let that consequence calmly hang in the air. We have a wii. Sometimes my guys will get heated about what they are doing in a game. I think this is unnecessary and don't like it. My rule, if you two fight during a wii game, the game goes off for the rest of the day. So then when I hear a bit of loud voices or nasty tone starting, I walk in and say "did I hear fighting???" They say no and stop it. They don't want to lose their wii. Those are just two examples of the Love and Logic program that I use. You can get the book "love and logic" written by Charles Fey and Jim Fey. You can also go to their website and see their other things. If you can find a way to check out or buy the cd listening series, I really like it. Our elementary school uses the program and teaches parents how to use it. They have the materials there and you can check them out. So, if you have older kids, you could check that too.
Your son is going through a transitional time. Just "being in someone's life" does not mean that he should immediatly fit into your homelife structure. Treat what he is going through with respect rather than disdain and help him along. It is a much better and productive route to go. good luck
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Actually, I am not surprised. He came from a situation where he "ruled the roost", and had the undivided attention of the adults. Now he has to share it 5 ways in a much more structured household. I would be kind of surprised if he wasn't acting any other way. He needs to be trained how to work/play with other kids. And is he the youngest of the 5?
Kind of feel for him. Its tough transition for him. I would cut him a bit of slack and slowly bring him into the fold. Is he in school yet? And don't forget he is just 5 - they are not known for their problem solving capabilities!
By the way, there is a neat set of books called the "learning to get along"series. They are aimed at 4 to 7 year olds and are meant to be read to the child. check them here
http://www.amazon.com/Share-Take-Turns-Learning-Along/dp/1575421240/ref=pd_sim_b_4
Hope this helps.
Kind of feel for him. Its tough transition for him. I would cut him a bit of slack and slowly bring him into the fold. Is he in school yet? And don't forget he is just 5 - they are not known for their problem solving capabilities!
By the way, there is a neat set of books called the "learning to get along"series. They are aimed at 4 to 7 year olds and are meant to be read to the child. check them here
http://www.amazon.com/Share-Take-Turns-Learning-Along/dp/1575421240/ref=pd_sim_b_4
Hope this helps.
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