My six year old will not go to sleep by himself...Help!

[SmithsGirl89]

My fiancee' got a divorce about 1 year ago.  He has a six year old, soon to be seven year old. The child sleeps at his mom's, well he lives there. His dad and I see him once during the week and every other weekend.  We constantly ty to get him to sleep upstairs in his bedroom, or in the living room. Hell, we even put a leather chair/bed at the end of our bed and he still wont sleep there. His dad will lay with him forever, but he never falls asleep!  The thing is, I dont think this is about sleep, or where he sleeps. I think it's something like not wanting his dad and I to sleep together. Although, I have a good relationship with the child, he sometimes gets jealous of his dad. I am 20.  I talked to my fiancee's ex and she said that the child might think of me as a crush. I just want my soul-mate back, in our bed. Is that too much to ask?  I know that the child is trying to control the situation, but someone tell me how to make it stop!!!!!!

-------THANKS TO ANYONE WHO REPLIES TO THIS!

[worried_in_herts]

I married a man last year who has a 6 year old. we live as part of an extended family and it seems like im the only one who thinks its wrong for a 6 yr old to sleep with his parents/granny. When granny went on hoiday for 3 weeks, my husband and i progressively moved him into his new room (we redid his room blue as he wanted)....each night one of us would tell him a story sleep with him until he is asleep and remove ourselves from his bed. This was 4 mths ago. Over the last 2 weeks he seems to wake up at 11pm and run into our room- often but not always scared...my husband usually (sometimes myself), would take him back and sleep and comfort him until he falls asleep. This is working to some extent but leaves all 3 of us v tired the next morning and it cant go on. Please note our 6 yr old son lives with his dad and me. The problem we have is tht our son doesnt realise he actually came into our room, he doesnt remember any nightmares etc. i think its a comfort thing, he was always used to sleeping with granny after his real mother abandoned him. we both think this is related to him seeing his mum about 2 weeks ago after7 months (she is paranoid schizophrenic). my husband thinks he will grow out of this, but i dont want this to affect him when he is older. I have neices and nephews who started sleeping on their own from 2 yrs of age, this is nothing to do with having a 'relationship only with my husband', we are expecting another child in the next few months and its important our oldest is a little more independent. any help would be welcomed

[oldermom369]

It seems part of what specialmom wants to get across to you is that you have chosen to be a part of this man's already created life [which includes his child]. As a young woman, you seem a bit immature to handle the situation -- which REQUIRES some unselfishness. But you are worried about your own sex life on the one day the boy visits.

As a young 20 year old, I could not have handled being a mom [or step-mom]. It's not for everyone at 20. I became a mom at 41 -- when my selfishness had subsided enough to make room for other people and the sacrifices they sometimes require. Perhaps this is a time for soul searching on your part?

[specialmom]

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you felt "beat down" by my post.  I guess I was honestly answering how your post read to me and it came out harsh.  I tend to always advocate for the child in a situation like that as six is still pretty young.  Divorce is tough on kids and I'm sure acting out takes place.  Being with a man with a child has to be very complicated and I hope you work out the kinks.  Sometimes thinking of things from how a child would see it helps.  I'm a big believer in rewarding (not with toys but activities and special time) for the "right" behavior.  He could earn something he likes to do (watch a movie with you two or just dad, go to the park, a ballgame or whatever is your families thing) if he stays in his room.  Anyway, good luck and I'm sorry I came across as I did.

[margypops]

I did not read into specialmoms post as beating you down I saw that she gave an honest opinion and I would have said the same to you, it may not have been what you wanted to hear buts thats the way we have perceived your problem, you asked for an opinion,I did not see him as a manipulator it is the way you see him . Good luck maybe some counselling would help.

[siansteel1985]

hey ya i felt beaten down on what i asked too your right there, this is suppose to be a site for help and support not to be told your doing it wrong and put down for doing your best at being a mum! does the boy have his own room at his dads? as if he did you could ask him how he would like his room, make it special just the way he likes it, it doesnt have to cost much money but it may convince him to want to be in his cool room that you have both done for him! you could always wait until he is asleep then move him into another bed so he wakes in the morning in his own bed, whether it being in his own room or with yourselves. he will then get use to the idea its not all bad being in his own bed! the best thing i say to my partner is to be my sons friend, let them learn to trust you and gain every confidence in you! it will probably be very hard as he is a bit older than my son but it does work over time.
all the best and hope it helps
sian x

[SmithsGirl89]

Also, this child pulls this all the time, not a one time thing.

[SmithsGirl89]

I disagree, I probably should have put that a little more clear.  The child is a minipulator..the other day he said if we (his dad and I) didn't buy him a game he was going to his mom's.  Also, the reason he cannot sleep in the bed with me, is because we caught him peeking at my boobs. I know thats normal to be curious, but his dad said that he could not sleep in the bed with us.  It makes my fiancee' and I uncomfortable!  My fiancee' and I are pretty hell bent on trying to get him to sleep in his bed. His mom lets him play video games all day.  He hasn't gotten out of his mom's house the whold summer, except when his dad and I take him places. He is shy and very analytical. I was just wondering if anyone knew how to help us get him to sleep in bed. I really didn't need the beat-down! Isn't this a forum for people to help each other?

[margypops]

Yup specialmom has got it ,thats the way it is ,

[specialmom]

Okay, your soulmates relationship with his child predates you and believe it or not is slightly more important.  I'm not trying to be harsh but trying to get your soulmate back because of ONE night with his son is a little nuts.  When you say is it too much to ask--- um, yes.  While it isn't ideal for a boy of that age to sleep with a parent, I'm sure from your description there is more going on.  Did you say he sleeps in his own bed at his moms?  And this just started when  you entered the picture?  I'd think about backing off a little and let his father and mother address the situation.  I'm sure you'll be a great step mom but part of being a mom is being inconvenienced---  alot.  And if he only sees his dad one day a week (which isn't all that much)----  he has every right to be jealous of the person that is with him the other 6 days.  Try to see it from his point of view and be his friend.