My son just turned 14 this month, he's always been well behaved at school and home besides some typical coming of age teenage stuff or so I thought until he left his school email account open at home...he goes to church with us no problem weekly, even participates, we get compliments on his "wonderfulness" almost daily from teachers, parents, no exaggeration! His emails dating back to a year ago are fillled with him trying to manipulate Every Girl classmate out of their pants. He is so smooth with them he plays them off of each other, how pretty they are, he loves only them (to 8 different girls), ask for pics...it sounds a lot more benign than it is I swear! Here is a convo with his bf (my son is 'D')
D: yeah i know so r we gonna do tabi
C: i did already jkjk but ima do it first
D: yeah right next time i come over im a do her harder
D: lol i get the ***** u get the ***
C:shut up they monotor this dont say bad things
I've never even heard him curse. I thought we did everything right: comfortable middle class, stay at home mom, trips, church, all the talks, he's always been an A student..but lately his grades have been tanking. Is this Normal hormonal boy stuff and I'm just naive or...
You need to sit him down and have a chat. Yes, hormones are one thing to factor in but he's missed some character development along the way. and he is playing with fire (does he always use condoms? hope so or you're gonna be a grandma). You need to tell him you found it and begin some MEANINGFUL dialogue and also, keep him a bit more supervised. good luck
1. 1st thing this am I went to his school and shut down his success to their texting app, (which is where I found this and that the Kids in the entire school system use to chat during class) as well as let the administrator know about the Kids constant use of it in class to talk about sex. It's like a cess pool bc even elementary and high school students jump on and they all communicate while in separate schools during class (Some 10yr old sent him msgs asking who he was and could they be friends, he had no idea who she was, thank goodness he told her to get back to work.).
2. I talked to him. He cried said he knew it was wrong, claims he's a virgin, all talk and said he was fine with me talking to the Kids involved & their parents (just not his grandparents please)...
3. I would have to home school him as more supervision isn't possible. He's never been a date. Never to the movies w/o one of us, my husband goes on every field trip, we have no tv or internet access w/o parent password, he has no phone, noo FB etc. We hardly ever let him go over friends house BC we worried about bad associates (only 2 in 10 months)! We don't even have any neighbours...that's why I'm so...besides myself. It's in school. What else can we do but we are taking an active approach now that we are aware of the issues. Thank you for your reply
Hm. Well, I would be livid if this is what goes on on a school wide networking site. I'd meet with the principal, school board, etc. as that is incredible that this happens in a public place!
So, glad you shut that down and I'd take it one step further to discuss HOW that app/site/chat/whatever it is got so out of hand and that no one is monitoring it. A 10 year old contacting someone being as obnoxious as your son? That everyone could see what he was writing and your son still went there? It sounded like private text messages to a 'friend'-- didn't realize it was for public reading!!
Now, it is a bit conflicting. You ask if he is a sexual predator but then say you basically have him on lock down. I'm confused?
do you think our son has a psychological issue? We had a girl stand up in class and tell how her brother was rushed to the er the night before and passed away. The school got in contact with the family (it was an older brother who wouldn't have attended our school) and were told this was untrue. She'd made it up. She was sent for a psych consult. Because that is far outside of the normal thing kids will do for attention.
Your son falls into this category.
he's also dragging other people into it by naming names of girls. That is something that if I were the parent of the girls, I'd be very upset about. That's almost like cyber bullying ruining their reputation (if it is all untrue). For that, there are serious consequences and I'd let the school and authorities take over on that one. Tough love. He did the wrong thing if he made up lies about having sex with girls and writing about it as you say he did.
I would seek professional help. Something is wrong. Kids are insecure . . . and do dumb things . . . but this is over the top. good luck
I think this may be a case of a child who is over-supervised and finally has some freedom and doesn't know what to do with it. There are two problems here, IMHO:
1. The school needs to shut this thing down, and I wouldn't ever go in there and ask my son to be the example of a bad kid. That will not end well. Quietly telling the principal that this is going on, and there need to be controls on this communication system, that you are distraught there hasn't been any supervision of it, and they'll take care of it. if you go in there as the leader to shut this thing down, your son will get the reputation of being a bad seed, and the other kids will hate him for being a tattletale, and the other mothers will think it was his fault their own kids misbehaved.
2. He needs normal healthy social outlets. At 14, he should be spending a great deal of time with friends - at their homes, at a pick up basketball game at the park, at the movies being picked up and dropped off by parents, etc. The fact that he has never even been on a fieldtrip in his life without a watchful parent right there beside him, and has only had two occasions where he went to a friend's home in 10 months, he's smothering. And he's using any opportunity to make social connections and has chosen a venue that's inappropriate.
You are right...he does need outlets...we never meant it to be a "preachers daughter" situation just... But we talked today and last night and he agrees with me now & once a week he will get time Away. With peers. But of course we worry about his choices now. There is an email I read from a girl asking him to go to the movies with her last month (answer from us was no) and how they'd just make out in the back while her older brother made out in the front. Yeah making out never killed anyone I know. We just thought we were circumventing some of the problems that seem so prevalent these days... The principal said he was grateful for the info. We haven't spoken to anyone else. We may just try to adjust his way of thinking ourselves (bc Regardless we cannot condone casual sex/inappropriate ness even for the sake of his social freedom.) But it's scary how he can give all the right answers and be a completely different kid away from us. Thanks for your response.
To clear some up: I probably should have used the word 'delinquent' instead of predator, it is private email/chats that can b done one to one or in a group. The girls & boys in question are chatting back and forth w/ my son and doing Video chats everyday while at school using a Google school program. It's usually goes like this with the girls: "I don't know why you even like me D I am so ugly (they send pic and r always the cutest little things) I heard u were dating H, did u hear S is pregnant it's not true. oops teacher brb" My son: Noooo don't say that u r beautiful I love only Uuu! So when r we gonna do something like...you know...do u still wanna be a virgin?" Same basic convo 5+ girls
With the guys "it's r u smashing so and so yet? Man she's got a nice *ss u want to get in? Gtg teachers coming by."
. And it's all day everyday between multiple students and schools. He's had 4 gfs in 11 months all while telling us he's never had 1 :( it's disgusting and all the lies/different persona at school is disturbing.
Hope that cleared it up some. I appreciate the well wishes.
I'm not sure I totally agree. The school should let your son know he's not allowed to use that system/app again for bad behavior. I don't cover up my kid's bad deeds. What does that teach them?
I don't know if I agree also that he is a sheltered kid acting out. he sounds like he has been out to some extent to me. somehow. Somewhere.
I agree with you that this is disturbing either if he made it up OR if he didn't. I think your son needs a professional to evaluate him as he is at a risky age.
and I wouldn't give him privileges after this . . . you really don't know what he is and isn't doing. Or thinking. Or capable of.
I would absolutely go to the school and get whatever communication system this is shut down using what has happened with your son as your reasoning why. If you don't want to do that for fear of public repercussions (other parents shunning your son) then you need to have a reason to shut it down of some sort. I live in a large public school district and the rules on internet/communication are very clear. Each student in every school (including elementary) signs paperwork about ethics and proper usage before the school year begins and each parent signs duplicate paperwork. It is spelled out that misbehavior isn't tolerated. Even on private things like email at school.
So, I agree with you nickname that this is serious and disturbing and I would not handle it in a brush under the carpet, maybe I did something wrong, etc. kind of way. I'd handle it head on and sternly. good luck
I am more with Rockrose on this and not sure I agree with Specialmom's last statement. Which is kind of weird, because I don't know if I have ever disagreed with her. But, I have taught 8th graders for many years. His behavior is not that unusual. His girl friends have only been at school obviously (which isn't that unusual) and I'll bet that the actual time he had a girl friend was quite short. Usually, a guy that had a girlfriend more then 2 or 3 weeks was pretty unusual. The thing is that guys talk. And you get a crowd mentality going which makes them want to out do the next guy. And (unfortunately) there is this whole texting thing which means its not face to face and just that much easier to live in a fantasy kind of world. It seems like all your concerns are based on what he has written to other people and not what he has actually physically done? I have a feeling that its more him getting caught up in the group thing then anything else. That's no excuse for what he has been saying. One thing I always told my students is that you never put in print anything that you don't want to go public - because sooner or later, it will.
I certainly think that the school administration needs to monitor what is going on. Probably need to check out those emails - should be available to them to see if there really is a problem. Because, I definitely think that they will be having a problem someday. And it might get expensive for them.
My last thought is that actions do speak louder then words. If he has been a great kid the whole time - he probably still is. There are some good lessons to be learned here from all involved from the school to your family. And if you are worried about him now - wait till high school. Use this has a productive experience to grow together. Oh, and try and get him interested in sports. Something that will take a lot of time and leave him too exhausted to find other things to do after school. Best wishes.
Honestly, he's 14. Boys are allhorn dogs at that age and up. This is a typical boy acting on his hormones. Boys will be boys. Talk to him and let him know the risks of having unprotected sex etc. Give him the talk already. At this age its normal for boys to try and get in girls pants. He's not a horrible kid for it just a typical one. Give him a good talk and hope it helps. Don't feel bad, so many other boys are like this.
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