My son doesnt want to talk to me and see me

[marriah]

My son of 14 have gone away from home from me to my ex husband, his father. That would not be a problem except that his father is a case of  diagnosed  borderline syndrome with frequent brief psychotic states who is not taking a therapy and is about every two years in psych. ward for acute prolonged psychotic episodes.my son is not aware of his mental problems and is completely noncritical about his father and is taking without questioning every idea his father is  proposing on him.Since he is gone he doesnt want to talk with me saying that i am lying about his father illness and that he is a genius and I am stupid. i havent seen my son for 2 years because my son doesnt want to see me saying that I am lying about his father being sick and that he doesnt love me  no more because i do not want to reconcile with his father. Besides he resents me being spanked way back when because of the milk he spilled  and some other minor situations. He doesnt want to speak to me on the phone either. Recently he was picked by police for damaging a neiborghs car and also he was in a hospital for he injured his hand being operated  for that reason( plastic surgery) .The Social worker has suggested that my son has a psychoterapy but  his father is not providing it  for two years so far. My son says that he  personally doesnt want to to to the psychoterapy because in his opinion  he is healthy and doesnt need help. My lawyer told me that I should stop insisting that my son talks  so my son will eventually miss me and call me but I cant do it because I am worried about him!!!
What in your opinion should I do???

[wrrywrt1]

Your son has been with him for two years? From what you said about the timeline with the father's psychotic episodes, isn't he about due for another one? I would recommend counselling for you, and your son (together and or separately). A 14 year old is still a child and is very impressionable. And no matter what your son thinks (here's where counselling could help), it may be unsafe for him to be with his father until his father has his condition "under control" (I'd get the courts to require proof-of therapy and compliance with his medications). By unsafe, I mean, can his dad really care for your son's (and his own) needs-is he providing a loving, stable, educational, thriving environment for him? Financially also?
And no matter what your opinions or feelings for this man are, always be careful what you say to and about him to your son. He is his father, and I don't think a child should hear his parent "put down". Say he was in jail (this is just an example). Sure, you can tell him his dad's in jail, but you don't have to say "that mean, evil so &so father of yours....." and so on. Just state the facts if he needs to know them. In the end, he can resent you for telling him his dad is in jail, but he won't have the emotional need to lash out/resent you for saying cruel things about his father.
I hope that makes sense. My husband and I don't always agree, but I wouldn't ever subject our son to trash talk about his father because I was upset about something. And I'm not saying you are. But please get your child into a safe environment. He shouldn't grow up thinking psychotic behavior is NORMAL. Good luck.

[marriah]

I have the custody but they want to reverse the situation
I understand that my son wants to live with his dad and he has the right to want so but the problem is  whether his dad is able to have it since he is sick
on the other hand i am excluded and helpless
Recently  he told my son that I am abusing drugs and was suicidal which is all nonsense and he believes him that is a problem........
maybe he needs to  grow up more to see things better ...
(thank you for your support i need it badly..I am worried about my sons mental development...)

[SeriousSam]

I just noticed you are in Croatia?  In America women almost always get custody no matter what.  If the situation is reversed in Croatia that would be why some peoples answers are a little bit cautious.  In America you pretty much have to be a raving psycho to not get custody if you are a woman.

[marriah]

Yes most people think that time will change this situation and time only
He needs time to see who his dad really is and to think ratonally...

[marriah]

Yes in fact that is what I do..
Recently my son was evidented by police for minor felony and also injured his finger and  went thru an operation
I am afraid those are signals thaht he is in trouble...

[margypops]

I agree perhaps if you let him alone for a while as he gets older he will want to see you, if he was in any danger would he want to be there , as you have done all you can, take a step back, and wait in the Wings ,let some time go by., it may heal the way he feels about you.

[SeriousSam]

Of course lets take look at thisbfrom another perspective.  Maybe you need to lay off dad accept that your son wants to live with him and try to be involved as much as possible even if you are not in control

[marriah]

Yes that is my concern also; whether my son is crazy as well........

[marriah]

Yes this is  a good idea...

[marriah]

The problem  is that my son wants to live with him and the court proccess is not over yet
The question is whether he should live with him inspite of his preferences if the father is crazy....

[treazzure007]

after you named the long list of illnesses his father had, i was already waiting for some of them to come out in your son.  perhaps, he'll stay delusional from brainwashing or mental problems himself.  if it's already been 2 years, i don't think you can hope for this to get much better.  sorry

[SeriousSam]

If your husband has borderline personality disorder insist that he recieve a dna test.  That is a genetic disorder.  

[RockRose]

How did a psychotic man get custody of your son?