My son is a push over

[freebelin]

Hi my son just started pre-k this fall since his birthday fell behind the cutoff. So he is little bit bigger then his classmates. However he is shy, quiet and a pushover. He let others push him and does not do or say anything about it. I have told him numerous times to tell the teacher or hit them back. He always say he will but never does. What do I do. It bothers me to know my baby is being bullied and I cannot do anything about it. I have never had any real behavior issues with him so I know he is not doing anything to cause harm to another child. I've mentioned it to his teacher and she even told him to tell her if they hit him and she even whispered in his ear to hit them back because she knows he is a good kid.Is there a way I can improve his esteem and confidence? Is there a way I can get him to understand he has to stand up for himself.

[tiredbuthappy]

well, you and the teacher are failing to teach him problem solving skills. he's not hitting back because he knows it's wrong. honestly, neither you nor the teacher should encourage that because it isn't teaching him any conflict resolution.

i know and understand perfectly well that occasionally a teacher does not see someone hit another child. but it is not that often. So, either the teacher is very negligent that this is happening over and over without her seeing the incident, or she is not stepping in and using the moment as a teachable moment for all of the children involved. preschoolers need to be empowered to defend themselves and they need to be provided with appropriate ways to do so. why are the others pushing him? does he have friends? who is pushing him? is he pestering them? or is he being randomly bullied? is it even bullying or typical preschool conflicts over toys?

with these instances the teacher needs to go over there. listen to both sides. encourage them to find a solution to the problem by guiding their conversation. if someone is upset or hurt, you tell the agressor to find a way to help them feel better. if they don't know how, you ask the victim what would help him feel better. this process forces everyone to consider each other's feelings and look at why it happened. it also helps develop empathy. often you see teacher's shout at kids from across the playground or just sit them in time out. it does not teach them anything that will help them in the future.

one of the first (and most difficult) things i teacher my preschoolers is to not be a victim. they run to me and say "so and so did this." I ask them if they told their friend that they don't like that. if they respond "i tried, but they're not listening..." i tell them to try again, this time I will listen and see how they say it. Of course with me standing nearby, the other child almost always stops/appologizes. The "victim" is empowered because they see that their words really did make a difference. this is a process but within weeks you can see results.

[freebelin]

Yes, he has friends and when I ask him why he was pushed or hit said he doesn't know and they just like to bother him. I know he told me oneday he told the teacher and she told everyone to keep there hands to themselves Which is why he does not hit back. I like that he follows direction, but clearly that does not go for other children. He needs to learn to stand up for himself. He is also very passive if he is playing with another child and they snatch a toy from him, he'll either just go on and play with another toy or get upset and tell me. Also his lack of confidence shows in his school work. He can trace his letters and word fine but will not confidently write them.

[babygirl6152]

Is he hurt? I mean bleeding or anything?
Is this your first child or eldest?

[Alex1414]

We have almost the same situation.  My child is an older PK student.  He is not a pushover, but he is getting hit and adapting to the younger, less mature behaviors of his counterparts.  

We told our child to tell the offender to stop hitting or he would tell.  Then, he was told to tell the teacher.  When the techer failed to handle the situation appropriately, but dealing with the offensive behavior, we explained to the teacher that she is teaching the children, our child namely, that a teacher(authority figure) can't be trusted to take care of problems.  The children learnig that at this age will affect their wilingness to learn and their ability to trust.

Having your son hit back, although very tempting :), is only teaching him poor coping skills.  As he is older, he has the ability to modulate his emotions better than the younger kids.  The teacher sounds ill equipped and immature herself.   Who teaches kids to hit back?  This is not a life or death situation, it is preschool.  If the teacher doesn't handle the situation, talk directly to the offender's parents.

Also, self-esteem comes from a variety of areas.  If you are not already, let him pick out his clothes, breakfast(within reason..lol)  Once he sees that he makes good decisions, he will feel stronger than the little bullies, anyway !  Hang in there!!!