I have a 7 year old boy who's been diagnosed ODD, ADHD, Psychotic NOS, Epileptic, with a possibility of the autistic spectrum. He's on Aderall, Abilify, Melatonin, and Tegretol. His biggest problem was living with his father and the violence he witnessed along with the movies he was allowed to watch, the sexual advances and activity his father allowed him to watch, and his bigger step brother beating him up when the "lights went out". We also found out that he was sexually abused by his father on more than one occasion. I now have full and sole custody of him and he hasn't seen or heard from his father in a year. His grades are awesome, but his behavior goes through spurts. He was doing spectacular.. then he went back downhill.. he's once again hit a girl three times in a week and without fail it was the air friends telling him to do it. The mean air friends tell him to do things that include razors, knives, swords, and so forth. He has a good air friend that tries to protect him and keep the mean air friend from whispering things to him to do to himself and others. He has a big problem with any unforwarned change. He can't even take a substitute teacher without getting majorly upset. He has to have the same routines happen or he will get overly angry and frustrated. He can't take not being the "best, first, and winner". He is more feminine than most boys his age to say the least. I've had comments by both boys and girls and parents. His step mother had four girls and they used to all dress him up in a dress and makeup and do his hair and laugh at him. They took pictures and everything. So this part doesn't surprise. me. I used to have him do "feelings papers" and he took out of lot of his anger there, but now he "doesn't have the patience". I'm really worried about him and I've looked up his symptoms and he's ended up in the schizophrenia category to a "T". He's isolative, he's confused in his thoughts, can't complete sentences right, he hears voices telling him to do things. His therapist says he may just need time to adjust to his surroundings and activities. So I put him in baseball, scouts, and Taekwondo. I was told this would help and straighten him out. Not one day after that I put in in Taekwondo he hit this girl.
So I'm lost and confused and scared for my son and now need to know if anyone has a clue what I'm going through and what to do. He's been diagnosed and through several sets of tests and now he's going to be getting a sexual examination for what his father did to him. Help please any suggestions...?
I am so sorry for your boy and yourself this is a hard thing for you all to go through. Perhaps it would be a good idea to ask his doctor if the Meds he is on could be having an adverse affect ,should the doseage be changed .He has been through a lot, his therapist must see some positive behavior as she has said that he would need to adjust ,it would be good if you focused on his positive side and praised him when you see him doing something right.,he has had a lot of trauma now he needs love and extra compassionate care.I agree that sports and outside activitiesare great. Get family being extra attentive.
Yes it is a hard time... it's real hard to even find a good thing often cause it doesn't happen. However we love him either way and yes he's been through quite a bit to say the least. I just pulled him out of the karate from his violence. He has to earn it back. I was just told by his scout leader that she doesn't want him pulled from that since he loves it so much and it's non violent or evasive. I am hoping we can find more positives in our near future. I had some weird feelings about him and so far I've been right. Anyway his therapist ... well his first one retired supposedly.. then he was still there and come to find out .. he just didn't want to be his therapist... the second one has only known him a couple of months. Now he's all about helping him but being a medicaid doctor.. what can they really do???
Perhaps the violence wasnt too extreme as the Karate Teacher doesnt want him pulled from the class,it may be good thing to allow him to do it,it is such a positive thing in his life he will be better for going.What are the weird feelings you have about him?
No actually it was his scout leader that doesn't want him pulled out. She says it gives him something to definitely hold on to and he's one of her best students. The Karate teacher doesn't want him in there if he's hitting girls. So in any case... I was hoping he'd be good for karate, but he wasn't and I can't reward bad behavior. I have these feelings that he has so much bottled inside him he's going to really hurt someone real bad one day and he's not going to realize it. The sad part is I am doing everything I can to avoid that and I feel like I'm running in circles.
He needs to find a way to let go of what happened in the past. Find a good counselor to help get him through this. Sounds like he is haunted by the past and it is interfering with his future. This can be discussed with him that we cannot change the past, but we can have a better future if we let go of the past. He is trying to find comfort in the best way he knows how, by having air friends. He needs to find comfort in his life and not so much in the make believe friends. He will take a lot of time and patience for him to feel comfortable in his surroundings and comfortable within himself. He needs to find some peace in his life. Sometimes things are also done for attention. Make sure that he gets plenty of attention. He needs all that he can get now. He needs securing, a feeling of safety, attention and to be loved the way he should be in a healthy way. He needs to feel that people care about him. Also, take a look at his meds to make sure that they do not cause aggression. Lots of medication cause aggressive behavior that people cannot help. Lots of patience and understanding with communication should get him and you through this.
The medication will only mask and calm treatable symptoms, they aren't the core to the solution. I'm extremely skeptical towards doctors who just prescribe medicine. Their paycheck gets bigger when they give that stuff out, and it's no surprise they'll want to help you "fix" those problems quickly. Unfortunately, all they do is "mask" symptoms.
You need to find a counselor who is concerned and willing to dig to the deep roots and cut them out.
You also need to help him with his identity and confusion. DON'T let him dress up like a girl, and DON'T try to identify him as more "feminine" than most others. This will isolate him and bring him down when he gets older. His violent tendencies will build up. Trust me, because I know. I came very, very close to landing another boy in the hospital in the 5th grade because I couldn't take teasing from everybody since 1st grade.
Boys will be boys. Teachers and parents don't want to identify or face that fact. It is imperative that you understand that.
Behavioral problems defined today are total myths. Parents bring their children to doctors and tell them about normal, every-day childhood and the doctors assume parents are explaining something on an extreme level (because doctors understand parents won't bring their children to them just because they threw a fit). And doctors make a great deal of money by giving "tests" to these kids. To tell the truth, you cannot test for psychological problems like ADHD. Those tests are designed to rule out other factors or problems, and ADHD is easy to lay on the table because if the child has not this or that, then it's ADHD, it's the only problem left (which can't be tested for).
Side note: ADHD is something you're born with, and it can be noticed from an extremely early age, and you die with it. If it comes up every now and then or goes away, the doctor has lied to you, and it is not ADHD. It has recently shown up in the 21st Century because parents are in a decline in parenting skills and willingness to tough it out.
The idea that this is a biological sickness that can be treated like the flu is also a myth. Some things just pass with time, and part of that time can be when medicine is handed out.
It sounds to me that he's been cooping up all that anger and is not allowed to let it out. Part of being a man is able to express yourself and release energy, and enjoying it. Women don't have that and never will; men were just built for some jobs that women are allowed to do. Boys will be boys. By letting him do feminine things, even dressing up with girls, anything feminine, will hamper down that anger and suppress it. He will snap eventually.
His comfort bubble sounds like its pretty small. When it's under invasion, he fights back for it (or wants to). What he has learned from these movies and his traumatized life is that force will take over, and will win. In a situation he feels like he can defend for his sensitive comfort bubble, he will. That's probably why feminine ideals are so appealing to him, in which invitation to the comfort bubble is made, and a demand for softness comes into play. This not only makes him violent when the right buttons are pushed, but also possibly seductive.
He needs a program or activity that allows him to learn to responsibly take and use control as well as strength. A martial art with discipline (not so much self defense) like Boxing or Judo, will teach the importance of preserving strength, and using it only when necessary, otherwise it does have its natural consequences. IOW, not something that's going to take patience or a great deal of form like some types of Karate or Tae Kwon Do. Arts like Ju-Jitsu or Wrestling (ground-fighting) rewards the use of strength, power, and fighting dirty sometimes. The types of martial arts I suggested will also bring to his attention the fact that girls can defend themselves, and do it well.
I just read that he takes Karate. THAT'S A GOOD THING. Kids who learn good martial arts tend to have a better future, more discipline, and become defenders more than attackers.
Wow to that last comment.......yes women do have aggression....we like to knock the sh*% out of ignorant men like above.....as far as your son...I hope things are getting better. My step son just told us he wants to kill and get away with it.....he isnt on drugs or been to much therapy. He originally started by lying about everything including telling the police his brother held him against his will and when he got caught lying (a year later) he said he just wanted him to be in trouble. This is a boy who has lead a priviledged life...his mom is pretty nutts and eventually lost custody through a GAL but he has never been abused sexually or anything. He has had a very good life...he just has a mental issue and despite it all...he knows right from wrong....most children do usually from 6 on. Last year he hit a girl for flirting with him....he said she was annoying him....he is a high honor student he just has no moral compass...he doesnt like being caught doing wrong and lying etc...he said he just wants people to think he is "perfect" and even though he knows its not true it doesnt bother him to know he doesnt really have these traits...he will be 13 soon and Im sure one day he will beat his girlfriend or join the military just to get off on killing....our hands are tied. All he did was lie to his last therapist and despite frequent rewards and nights and nights of long talks and attention he just doesnt want to change. "conduct disorder" now because the mental health community wants the world to think there is a "magical age" of accountability (18) and it must be the parenting. This child is beyond being parented. He simply doesnt want to have a quality life and he doesnt respect life itself...has he been taught to be this way? or is it just in him? Legally...if you kill and plead insanity it means you had no clue right from wrong and lacked the ability to make a educated choice...he isnt any so at what point can we make the educated call that he just has a dark soul...does it always mean its someone elses fault. I personally think as a society we look for scapegoats and teach our children to do the same. They get in trouble at school and "Billy made me do it Mom...:( No...no one makes them do these things that are smart enough before 18 to learn this method of "escape" from judgemnt. Do true traumas exist...yes and I pray your son has found the quality life he deserves to have. That is sooo sad and I wish kids like my step son could have a glimps of life of a poor individual who was hurt from his parent...I would have more compassion if mine had ever had the hard knock life
Wow, I can see why you are concerned.
But, I must say that from spending years working with 14 year olds - he is playing you a bit.
The fact that he hit a girl at age 12 doesn't mean he will hit a future girl friend. I've seen lots of 12 year old boys who don't know how to deal with girls at that age. In fact, being a intelligent 12 year old is or could be very troublesome because they don't yet have the maturity to temper there desires. And they really have had very few years to develop right from wrong. And any thing they say must be not taken as the truth. I have had many kids say really crazy things to me in the classroom, just trying to get a reaction. I knew it was all hot air. And if I reacted at all, it was the next day in a very private setting where they could not get the reaction they expected. Basically, at this age - actions speak louder then words. Worry about what they do, not what they say. Especially if they have found out that what they say will get to you. The only weapon they have is words.
You said, "despite frequent rewards and nights and nights of long talks and attention he just doesnt want to change". I don't buy that. Mainly cause I don't think those techniques work very well.
He apparently is doing well in school? Do his teachers complain about his behavior? Reason I mention all of this is that he is obviously intelligent. Intelligent kids figure out how to get their way. Its much harder to do so in school due to the very constant structure (and peer pressure). Essentially, not counting the first several weeks or so of school while the "whose gonna win here" fight is going on - if the teachers don't complain too much, then thats a pretty good indication that the problem lies more at home. If the teacher do complain a lot - then there is a lot more to be concerned about! So its hard to give suggestions without knowing how he does in other settings. But ....
Since he is your stepson, I am guessing that the structure of his family life has been not as consistent as it should be. Nobodys fault there. It is what it is.
You say he doesn't want to change. Once again going back to school. Does he change there? If so, he can change at home.
Hopefully, I am right and he is using his intelligence to drive you nuts. If so, that game can be won by you. However, if he is having the same problem at school (even the professionals are having problems), then it is a much bigger issue and more difficult to solve.
You did say he has a "mental issue". Is that a professional opinion? Only reason I ask is that each mental issue has different ways to work with/change it. So I am curious what his mental issue might be.
You said he lies to his therapist. Big surprise. Any therapist should expect that from a 12 year old. But, I do wonder if his therapist gave you any ideas on how to change his behavior. I also wonder what kind of a therapist he was seeing and the reason for it.
Finally, the ways to change behavior are pretty well established. It takes consistent, immediate reinforcement. It takes at least 3 weeks to change an established behavior. An intelligent kid will claim that what ever punishment you are using "doesn't bother them", wishing that you will then try something else and thus get stuck into their game.
The standard ways are time outs - which even work for kids of his age. But since he is smart enough to understand cause and effect - taking away privileges also work. But you must always start small, so that you have room to escalate. It must be laid out before hand. You should only pick on one or two things to work on at a time. Even if he has "mental issues", these techniques work. What changes is that depending on the issue, your expectations must also change. Hope some of this helps. Best wishes.
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