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My step parent section..
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My step parent section..

So this is what I have, this space, my ideas, opinions,responses and questions aren't always perfect, but I just want to have this space to say THANK YOU to all of the "step parents". Being a child of divorce and a mother of divorce, I have had "step parents", my kids have had "step parents" and I have been a "step parent"..Its like a world that revolves around "step parents". I noticed awhile back on these boards there are easy ways to upset people. Being a "step parent" with any problem is one way. It can be any problem and the boards blow up and usually "turn" againest the "step parent". It can be from the smallest "how to get my step child to kiss me, to how do I disipline my step child", and before you know it, peoples replies become judgemental. I think it may just be a "group" of elders that had parents that were married forever that don't quite understand the whole "step parent" situation. Sometimes, being a "step parent" is not a choice, sometimes it is, whatever the "step parent" reason is, I think it is just wonderful that there is another person to love our children!!! Our society should be more approving of it because it is the REALITY, not badger the "step parent" for trying to do what a normally responsible/irresponsible biological parent should be doing. Which brings me to why I am leaving this post, if you find that you are a "step parent" frustrated by 'badgers" and you can not find a helpful answer, post your question here, for now, and I with what ever powers I have, will be an easy listener and hoping helpful answer. Yes, I know this is quite a strestch, but I guess Im tired of reading posts where "step parents" dont ever get an answer, and by the time they do, they usually are frustrated and dont post anymore replies. This forum is supposed to be helpful to everyone, and I feel I can be a helper, and I know there are others on here who are very helpful, so give it a try. I want to see what kind of things I can accomplish that are positive. Thank you so much for reading this! Have a nice day!!
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I am so pleased to see someone come to a forum with this kind of attitude.  I am a step-parent and a biological parent.  There is no difference in love for either of my children, however, whenever I have in the past (I stopped trying about 9 years ago) asked a question on a "Parent" forum re: an issue with my son (stepson) I got a great big ration of nastiness of how I should just stay out of it all.  I am a believer of being a parent, period.  I am also an Marriage and family therapist, and would love to be of any help on this forum as well.  Thanks again!
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Awesome, thank you very much. Hey if this takes off like Im hoping it will, maybe I can find out where they actually create the forums, and see if they will add "Step Parents" as its own forum..Yes, parenting  to me is like parenting all the lil munchkins in the world. I just love kids and just want the best for all of them..Ok, add this to your "watch" list and check it out occasionally. Thank you again!!
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I forgot, being a therapist will help. You probaly have some really good advice!!
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MedHelp already installed the new forum "Divorce and Breakups" which includes custody and co-parenting issues. Check it out - it may be just what you are looking for.
In the other post I supported all step parents that go the extra mile to even just accept children of a previous relationship, regardless of how much time they spend with them. I think a lot of the harsh posters automatically see a new wife as an intruder of a previous family life. In reality it is often the man who is back in the dating game and casually mentions - oh, by the way, I have a few kids... when his new future wife is already emotionally involved. I am not even a stepmom but a biological mother and appreciate what a lot of step parents do. So, good luck on your journey.
As for the full custody issues that keep popping up in any step parent post I want to add my two cents. The biological mother-turned-single mother often has to be a master in time management, providing the family income and being a good parent. Sometimes just squeezing in the simple necessities like clothes shopping or haircuts or the daily bath is a challenge and will be delayed or just not perfect. Of course one could say that mothers-turned-single should not be the ones raising their children and often people are quick on these forums to judge a biological mom as unfit. What hurts is that initially the ex-husband sailed off, often barely interested in the well-being of his kids until one fine day he settles down again with a new wife. And then suddenly there is the perfect family setting without the single-parenting madness and the biological mother always looks like a loser. And then she loses her children in a custody battle? That is just very painful. It takes a lot of maturity and communication among parents and step parents to understand each other`s challenges and to respect the child`s needs and desires. I am glad to say it worked out well for my son but it did not come easy and it certainly took a step mom with a very kind heart.
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Hi, I will check out the "divorce co-parenting" forum, but Im not sure "step parents" should post their because, as you now, problems with divorce are quite negative, and I think that their should be a positive area for "step parents" to write in. Even a "step parent single parenting" section would do. (Thanx for the idea)
I understand the frustration a step parent has, I was and am one. I was also single, I had a 6 year old and a 16 month old at the time, and yes it was hard. I lived and paid rent at a family members house, I took on jobs that I could bring my 16 month old, and I stayed on top of my sons education and had to meet all their needs. It was very hard, but I would not have changed it for the world. Being a single mom helped me learn more appreciatition for the world, and I was able to teach that to my kids. They had fathers involved who took them every other weekend, but at no time did I feel the work I was doing was a reason to have them take my kids. Then I became a step parent, boy I thought I had things nipped in the bud, nope I didnt, it is so easy to lose control of a situation where you have the problem of "out of control" kids. Then bring the mom into the equation, it was like a stirring pot ready to blow. The problem most "step parents" allready have when they decide to make a choice is, the other biological parent that is not in the picture, talking badly about them telling the kids that they dont have to listen to "step parent", the list can go on. So as you call an "intruder" as the step parent, that is really how the step parent feels, because they have "negative" forces surrounding them. However, usually it is the biological parent that is the "intruder" for introducing this negative and hateful way to their children and throwing it back on the "step parent". Exs often go into jealousy, confusion, anger, and use it on their own children which in turn is used on the "step parent". It makes an very unbalanced situation. Then you have this one step parent , doing all the work, and of course as stepparents, we feel as were doing the work alone, it brings us closer to the child and figuring out the needs. A reponsible parent will not teach the child anything, and worse yet, will raise them to think wrong.
Kind hearts and people that focus on children are all around us. This is usually how it goes say  a mom writes in and says her 9 yr old son runs around beating her up. The advice is usually this "Check if he has anger problems, add, take him to a counselor" Fair enough right? Then this my 9 yr old "step son" runs around beating me up, the answer is usually as follows "Well, if he had His Mother and His Father together, maybe he wouldnt do that, children need a stable home, maybe You are the reason he is doing it" See the difference, one little word, and all heck breaks loose.
Responsible peole are going to gripe about irresponsible people, no doubt.It should not be any different if its a parent or a step parent. ANy parent that loves a child and is responsible and takes care of their children be praised!! Even if the are single, step, bio, etc. We need these children to suceed. What is it teaching to the kids if a parent can be irresponsible? In my experience, give an irresponsible parent less responsibilities, and they either become more reponsible after awhile, or they live their life and someone else raises their kids. We need these kids to be responsible and to learn it in any way so when they get older, they dont make the same mistakes. Maybe after all this, marriages will becaome a thing of the future, a divorced family may not be able to teach it, but maybe a family with a step parent where their is love can. Maybe a single mom can be responsible enough and strong enough to teach it to her kids too. My kids have 3 step dads, yes 3!! They get the love of the world and are very lucky.We have had our ups and downs getting through the communication barriers and emotions,but above anything, my kids are happy stable and loved. It has been a rough life for all of us, but we will get through, and if I can make one person smile because they are doing good, then thats what I want to do.
PS, I saw something in your post that made a light bulb go off, you might be some good help over here. You mentioned "communication"! Dah, that is probaly the most important information, anyone could give..Im going to ask Rebecca that and see if it helps. Im happy everything worked out for you and your son, he is lucky to have so much love surrounding him. Thanx for writing in!
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Hey, I read something in Trials reply. Communication! Big word, huge possibilities. Have you been able to communicate with the mother? Can you talk to your husband and she if he can communicate with the mother. Maybe a talk to her about how you feel and her picking up her share when shes supposed to will stop the problem. Ok, let me know!!
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I forgot to add something. Are children of married "whole" families allowed to disrespect and not love their parents? The answer is no. So you are suggesting that you see a problem in "step parent " households, you are seeing that the children do not respect nor love the other "intruder".Well how about this, how about it being a balance, how about if the kids can love and respect a "whole" family they can do the same when there is a "step parent".Kids shouldnt have that choice anyways.It just creates confusion. Really how often do you see kids not receiving the emotional comfort for their sadness and emotional upsets in a "whole" family? I would say alot of times. There is no difference whether the family is whole or blended. The same problems exist, and it is the adults responsibility to take handle and control unwanted actions in a child to shape them into future adults.
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Yes I called Bri's mom and I was screamed at because she thinks I should do everything for Bri that I do for my 2 boys, that is fine because I do when it is our week but I shouldnt have to on her weeks. And my husband lets her run her mouth and he will just walk away, I cant and wont let her do that to me. I wish I could get along with her mom but she makes it very hard.
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Here4.  No family is perfect.

No set of parents are perfect.  

What is MOST close to perfect is a loving mother and father who are married and focused on the needs of the children.

What is LEAST likely to be perfect is a man and a woman who aren't married and have separate children all living under the same roof,  although sometimes the kids are passed around so they don't have a 100% home.

Let me tell you what I typically see on a board like this,  and maybe you'll agree this is what you see too.

Bio moms say things like:  my son is small for his age,  and actually probably hyperactive.  He's as sweet as he can be,  though,  and I love him dearly.  I am really worried about how he'll be treated in school when he goes to kindergarten because I guess he has a tendency to have a hard time making friends because he's so bouncy,  and also it's hard to get him to brush his teeth.  I lay awake nights worrying.  HELP.  

step moms say things like:  my stepson is hyper.  He doesn't wash,  and he doesn't have any friends.  He is here every other weekend and the house is in total chaos when he's here.  He's loud,  and bouncy,  and messy.  I'm at the end of my rope,  I want to leave when he's here.  HELP.


Do you ever hear a biomom  write a post like this:

Me and my boyfriend live together and he's the most perfect man I've ever met.  I love him forever,  he's absolutely perfect and we get along great,  he's the man of my dreams.  But when my children visit,  the whole house comes apart.  My children are loud,  and messy,  and have bad table manners and play Nintendo.  They also want to stay up late playing and interrupt our conversations.  They're hard to get to go to bed at night.    My perfect relationship  with my boyfriend is wrecked for me during this time and I'm miserable during their visits.  HELP.  (Do you ever see biomoms saying that,  ever?  Is every other post from a stepmom just like that?)


So do you see what I see?  When a stepmom writes a post describing specific symptoms and asking for help,  or expresses love, and asks for guidance,  I think they get treated very well here.  It's the moms who are irritated and just wish the kids would vanish and stop taking up her time that make my head fly off.  I know some stepmoms are really trying,  and really loving,  and kudos to them.   The complaints I see,  and the outrageous expectations I see,  are more typical.

Best wishes.
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rebbecca - how would you like to change places with Brianna for a year?

You be her,  and she can be you.

Really imagine it.  Does it sound like a comfortable swap for you - would you like to be in her shoes?

(Please don't answer by saying how much you hate her lazy mother).
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I lived Bri's life as a child, so what the hell do you really want to know now.  And I turned out pretty damn good and I had a stepmom from hell and I would never do that to Brianna.
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RockRose wrote:
"...Bio moms say things like:  my son is small for his age,  and actually probably hyperactive.  He's as sweet as he can be,  though,  and I love him dearly.  I am really worried about how he'll be treated in school when he goes to kindergarten because I guess he has a tendency to have a hard time making friends because he's so bouncy,  and also it's hard to get him to brush his teeth.  I lay awake nights worrying.  HELP.  

step moms say things like:  my stepson is hyper.  He doesn't wash,  and he doesn't have any friends.  He is here every other weekend and the house is in total chaos when he's here.  He's loud,  and bouncy,  and messy.  I'm at the end of my rope,  I want to leave when he's here.  HELP.


Do you ever hear a biomom  write a post like this:

Me and my boyfriend live together and he's the most perfect man I've ever met.  I love him forever,  he's absolutely perfect and we get along great,  he's the man of my dreams.  But when my children visit,  the whole house comes apart.  My children are loud,  and messy,  and have bad table manners and play Nintendo.  They also want to stay up late playing and interrupt our conversations.  They're hard to get to go to bed at night.    My perfect relationship  with my boyfriend is wrecked for me during this time and I'm miserable during their visits.  HELP.  (Do you ever see biomoms saying that,  ever?  Is every other post from a stepmom just like that?) ..."

That is so true!  I have seen the odd stepmother post a loving request to help a little one struggling, but it's way, way, way too often the way you described.  It's incredibly sad.
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rebbecca - I know you reject everything I say,  but I'm not the least surprised you had a stepmom from hell.  Not the least.

And I'm not saying you're the stepmom from hell.  I'm saying you could be the stepmom from heaven,  and as it is,  you're putting in your 1/2 time and refusing to do one little bit more.  I swear,  maternal patterning is everything,  and what you learned about how to be a stepmom as a child,  although you state you reject it, has influenced the way you treat that child.

When you were on the phone screaming at Brianna's mother,  do you think your husband smiled to himself and thought "thank GOD I married that woman!"    No,  he didn't.  Do you think it' doesn't hurt him that you are locked horns with Bri's mother,  and that despite your protests to the contrary,  you don't treat her the way you treat your boys.  Treating her that way by the calendar,  one week on and one week off,  isn't the same at all.    

Mothers who had a cold uncaring mother have SUCH a struggle being warm and loving.  I would go out on a limb and say the same thing for stepmoms.  You repeat the pattern,  even though you try not to and don't think you are.


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What is wrong with you?????????  MY husband was laughing when as you typed locking horns. Yes my husband thanks GOD EVERYDAY that he married a women with a back bone that wont take no **** off of anyone.
No one has stood up to her and told her how they feel about parenting Brianna and Im not ashamed of doing it and yes until that night me and her mom got along very good.  Dont try to type what you think my life was and how I turn out to be a parent step or not . So no I dont have a problem being warm and loving toward my family.
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by the way, are you a stepmom?
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rebecca wrote:
"...No one has stood up to her and told her how they feel about parenting Brianna and Im not ashamed of doing it... "

Why do you think it's so wonderful to stand up and tell her what you think?  Do you REALLY think she cares?  Is she suddenly going to change her whole outlook on life because you did that?   Confronting her is totally ridiculous and pointless and a complete waste of energy.  Your energy would be much better spent focusing positively and UNCONDITIONALLY on Brianna without using a score card with her mother.  Like RockRose said, don't think for a minute she doesn't realize that you are loving, wonderful, and supportive only when it's your "turn" to be such.
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No,   I'm not a stepmom.    I've been married 22 years,  and my parents have been married 50 years this February,  and my parents in law have been married 56 years last month.     All my three boys are both my husbands and mine.

I do see a lot of hideous blended families,  though,  and a few really good caring ones.  Right now I'm trying to put together a birthday party for my youngest,  and it's an overnighter and I"m dealing with two sets of parents who are just ridiculous.

No he can't go,  this is my week and you're friends with the mom's side of the family.     The other stepmother always never relays messages to the biomom,  like don't forget we're actually leaving an hour earlier.    I do know a couple stepmoms who are Mother Teresa's,  truly caring and they treat their steps the way they treat their own.

But by and large,  the kids get screwed.  Different sets of rules at different houses,  and the opposing moms are sabotaging each other.  Chaos,  and sad.



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I want to add something to my last post.  It sounds like I'm saying because of all these lifelong marriages,  and no step kids,  that I think my family is better than anyone else's,  who have blended families.

That's not what I'm saying.  I was trying to point out and back up my point from before,  that if you grow up watching a style of parenting it's much easier to do.  Because my husband and  I come from families whose parents put all their effort into getting along and staying strong and staying together,  it's second nature to us to do that too.

When you see it patterened,  it's easy to do it - almost hard NOT to follow the pattern.

Best wishes.
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We are getting the full band width in this thread, it is like a glimpse of the multitude of life scenarios that we find today. I understand where each of you is coming from. There are always masters and losers on both sides of the spectrum of parenting, bio or step, married or not. The real art after divorce is to maintain continuity, predictability and a sense of home in a child`s life, with love obviously. That is all that counts, regardless whether it is provided by step parents or bio parents. However, chances are that these values are harder to live if there are new partners, step parents and changes in the home environment. A child`s trust needs to be earned and that is hard. It can easily happen that a child feels homeless at home. Just by watching my son, I realized how much truly undivided attention he needs and deserves on a daily basis so first of all I decided not to have any new partner in my life, period. Second, I made sure his bio dad would remain in his life, even if initially reluctantly. He has a really great new wife. Third, I set up "business meetings" with his dad on a regular basis on neutral ground so we could both voice each other`s concerns if there were any -and that includes that his new wife lets him be the messenger for whatever upsets or delights her. Even though we did have bad arguments and distrust about each other`s motives at some point, the path has been cleared. We found compromises in parenting styles but most of all we respect our son`s well-being. He is not always in the mood to leave our "home base" or his neighborhood friends, so we let him decide where he likes to be each week. That way he does not feel transplanted against his will and is quite happy to do the "other-home" trip on his own terms. I am writing this to point out it takes a lot of good team players to accomplish all this but despite things having gone pretty well so far, I can tell that my son is a bit more restless and questioning than his pals who live in regular mom-and-dad families. I will write back in 10 years and let you know how he turns out.
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Hi, hehe, look at this mess. Well I can stay focused through all of this bickering. You know what, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ANYTHING!!  Thats right, who cares what you are really, you are taking care of someones elses child and that is wonderful. If the mother wants to rant and rave, she can, but no matter what, your married to her husband. Not her!! So she cant control one thing that you do. If you make the decision that you do  not want to be responsible doing her work, then you tell her. You have every right to tell her  that if she does not want that responsibility, then things will have to change. Then you and your husband go to court and file paper work to get full custody of Bri with visitations every other weekend, that way she will have a better home with parents that want to take care of her, and her mommy can play "Magic Mountain Mommy" on the weekend.It will be less stressful for your husband and you, and Bri wont get stuck in the middle by her mom anymore. When her mom can grow up and be more responsible, then slowly she can have more time. Her mother shouldnt have had children if she was going to be so irresponsible. See, its a damn good thing that you are around to be a responsible loving person!!
PS dont let the "badgers" get to you, they have nothing better to do and there kids are all grown..

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thanks, I finally have some light at the end of this dark tunnel
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I will not be responsible for making you anymore angry at your life and the world, I have my own wonderful life and mission right now.  Im sorry all your kids are grown and you didnt learn how to be nice to others, I have had mine for 12 years, and they are wonderful! If only you would shared your good knowledge would you be worthy for this board.  Im sorry it didnt work out for you, happiness, honesty and  positive thoughts will overcome any situation, maybe you have something you need to talk about? Are you sad right now? I wonder, why do you spend so much time writing on this forum? I was introduced to it when I was pregnant with my last baby, I found alot of interesting topics on here concerning my medical problems. I have started to get sick again so Im back heating pad and strong mind in hand. Plus I have other things going on that I need information on, oh its like therapy. Is this like therapy to you? Or do you just find yourself bullying everyone? You know, maybe it is, you give advice on ADD and ADHD alot. Do you have kids with those conditions? Im not real familar with those things, but I could learn simply by reading up on it if you need an ear yourself?? I dont see why you want to spread negative vibes everywhere. Do you? Let me know, now I am real interested in your story..
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I can see an awful lot of validity in what you are saying.  I counsel families everyday who once a divorce is upon them, noone matters but the adults.  It is true that the court systems look more at parent rights than children's rights.  I do believe in most cases it is best for biological parents to be together.  I also see exceptions to this rule.  In my own family, I am both a bio and step mother.  However, I only use the "step" term for the purposes of the forum because we do not use it in our home.  My son knows I am his "step" mom, but I have been with him since he was 1 1/2 years old (he's 11 now).  His bio mom used to tell him how horrible I was because I was a "stepmom", he told a kid at school one day that it was sad that he didn't have a "stepmom" because they are way better than "real moms".  He decided that I was just his mom, plain and simple.  For years there was a battle with his bio mom, she would take him out to men's houses, parties, you name it, and have him sleeping in a back room.  We spent years of anguish, trying to reason with her on her weekends, we would switch days with her, whatever we could do to make sure that our son was safe, and she could have him when she had time.  She never would take us up on this and thank
God it was only every other weekend because we would've probably fell apart.  The reason I'm saying all of this is my husband was young and stupid and got this girl pregnant within 2 weeks of knowing her.  I'm certainly not sorry, because our son is one of the three most precious things to me.   But once my husband got to know this person, he realized that a relationship with her, which he tried, would only be detrimental to T (our son).  This woman was physically and verbally abusive to my husband as well as verbally so to T.  He was afraid of T going through life experiencing this.  We are married, and have been for 9 1/2 years.  We have another child of our own, who I was afriad when I was pregnant with her that I might not be able to love her as much as I love T, of course I do, but it was one of those weird mom fears.  We used to argue with bio mom, now we try everything we can to make peace, for T.  He knows that we do this because we love him.  
All of this is just to say that yes, biological families are typically better for a child, sometimes they're not.  It would be great if young people were raised with the mind set that marriage is forever, not until they change their mind.  Children suffer tremendously because of this mind set.  Enter step-parents and bonds are made and broken without anyone giving a thought to the child's feelings.  This said, there are many great step-parents, and many extremely horrible ones.  My belief is that when you marry someone with a child, you are accepting that child as your own.  When I thought about marrying my husband I sat down with my closest confidant and had a serious discussion about whether or not I would be able to love this step-child as much as my own biological children when I had them.  If my answer would have been no, I couldn't, I never would have married him.  It would not be right for a child to feel unwelcome in their own home.  They should have a safe place to be, or two safe places, but wherever they are they should feel as if they are loved unconditionally and the time that they spend there is precious.
Sorry for the long post
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Before I get in trouble for siding with RockRose.lol.  I just want to point out that she does make some valid points...RockRose I think that giving some of the step-parents the benefit of the doubt though is a good thing.  I agree their's some that don't seem to deserve it, but think of how much help you could give by giving positive advice of how they can make positive changes, rather than letting them know all they're doing wrong.  Just a thought
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Here4,  actually,  my kids aren't grown.  Only one is.  My youngest is 13.

I'm not angry at the world,  and I acknowledge that often I come across that way in print.  And yes,  I do have a son that was diagnosed ADD and was on Ritalin from kindergarten through 5th grade,  when we  decided to get him off it because it snuffed out his personality.    If I were a child in this generation,  I would most surely be diagnosed ADD myself.  

I recognize that often I'm off-putting in print on the internet.  The truth is,  I really do care, and that sometimes make me speak more sharply than I realize.

Best wishes.
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Woo, thank you so much. Im am allmost positive that your story will help the other people that read this topic. Your not siding, your staying nuetral, and staying nuetral is good cause we need to get this turned back around to the "step parenting" section.Hehe, not the bickering about so and so section. That is cool that you had the fear that you might not love your baby more than your son, see there are GREAT STEP MOMS out there. I dont know where you live, but is their a website for where you do therapy? I dont know if we can put up emails, Ill find out, but if we can, I would like to add a link to my babys site, and maybe give you my email for some information on your services. Allright, have a good night. Thanx!!
PS RockRose does sometimes have good advice, but the negative vibes that flow through her writing, often outway the good shes trying to do.It creates a negative impact that sometimes others follow, setting people up for disappointment, badgering, and lack of good judgement. But then again, they say opinions are like ********, and everyones got one! :)
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here4,  if you just register on this site you can put your email address in your profile.  
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Thank you, Im pleased you were able to write alittle bit about yourself and your family.Im sure their are a few people that find your answers alittle rough. Anyways, thats good you allowed your son to be himself. Does he have an active personality? Play sports and stuff? My 11 year old is crazy active..This generation has its ups and downs, but like every generation, the people that live in it have to make choices that are best for them. I have met alot of people were I live that take families seriously, even though they live a balanced adult life. Woman work, men stay home, there are all kinds of things going on that is different. I really think that the people that write in here, are people that care if they take the time to write a post. So everyone should have a chance at getting positive and good information. There are so many different things in this world that are taken for granted. I am struggling right now with my life because my baby passed away a couple months ago, at three weeks old and I cant seem to find myself. I feel like I can help myself by helping others right now, but I have been surrounded by so much bad and negative things, all I want is to offer positive ideas to help me find myself.

Ok, I want to start this off again because it is more bickering than I can handle. No more statics, just good ol plain advice. I dont know how long I will be on this forum before I get busy with my physical life again, and I would rather have a positive experience than a negative one. So do you think you can try to be alittle more thoughtful in your answers, especially on this section? I would really like step parents to be comfortable when they have a problem that maybe I or others could offer a solution without it turning into frustration?? Its probaly asking alot, and I dont know you, but wouldnt you want to be known for the woman with great info, then one who judges?? All right. Thank you Good night!
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Ok, so far its off to an interesting start, but can we keep the positive flow going??? No more bickering, apoligies to those who deserve, no more judgmental thoughts,and lets have some good ol fashion advice...Please?? Allright, good night, may everyone sleep well...
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here4,  I'm sorry about your baby.  What a horrible,  horrible story.   I can't imagine the pain,  really.

Yes,  my son has a very active personality.  He's a Rugby player,  and  I pray every weekend that he doesn't suffer a broken neck.  Literally.  But it's his own life,  he can make his own decisions,   prayers he doesn't end up dead or in a wheelchair.

I know I sound strong-minded and mean.  Sometimes that's better than just agreeing with people who I believe are totally on the wrong track.  I'm not into bickering either,  honestly,  although that may be  a surprise.  

Good night to you,  too, here4 and God bless you too.  ;D

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So sorry to hear about your baby. You are doing a great thing pulling yourself out of the despair it must be and getting people together to exchange precious thoughts, whether they are controversial or not. Threads like these have helped me to re-think some of my own patterns and read how other humans master their hardships. I do have a "set of values" but I never stop re-evaluating.
Hope you feel better soon.
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Hi, Im sorry too, my baby was to complete our "perfect" family. He was perfect, which we all know nothing is perfect. But he was, he was beautiful, quiet, aware. God blessed me with an angel, and then he had to go back to Heaven. Through all the tears and the confusion, I cant really be mad at anyhing, I should have seen the signs, we allmost lost him 3 times before my placenta ripped and he cam emerg c secton. We looked into his eyes and saw his soul. He smiled at all of us before he left us, we captured so many pics and videos of him. It had made me realize tha life is to short, love what you have, and be patient.Even though I have alot of bad days,crying,sadness,thoughts of guilt, I have to continue to move on because of my kids, I have to help them overcome though emotional issues, I found that I really love kids, not just my own, all of them. To top all of that off, my husbands kids, that we loved and raised for 3 years, moved in with their mom, and she made them turn their backs on us. Alot of the stress I had when I was pregnant was because of her "evil" ways, and I really mean "evil", not Gods plan. I had seen it in the kids before they left, the negative,evil,mean ways, it really allmost tore our blended family apart. Their mother took them and immediatley had them lying, telling them we were going to kidnap them, that i was a bad step mom and they didnt have to listen to me. My hubby and I allmost had their bad ways turned around before she came in and messed it all up. She went as far as to say that she was going to get a restraining order on me and call cps and tell them that I beat her kids, she told me she was going to go to court and tell the judge and then I would go to jail and my own kids would get taken away. This is all while I was pregnant and you can imagine he stress right? All the while I was preparing paperwork aginest her so when we went to court, we could fight for the kids, about 2 mons before I delivered my son, my hubby got a call from her, she had gone her furthest, she accused my 10 yr old of innapriopritly teaching her, she told my hubby that his own daughter had told a therapist. We finally decided that we couldnt deal with it anymore, she had allready cut us off from talking to the kids, and my hubby didnt want to go through a huge fight, and i was so stressed out, i couldnt think straight. We will let the kids be there for now, when they get older, we will tell them the truth, if the come back. Hopefully God will step in their lifes and get them back on the right path.Its not in my control anymore and all I can do is pray. Same thing with my baby, I can only pray that we can be on the right path so we can be with him one day. I have had to choose to surround myself with positive things, and people. I cant keephaving negative things around me because I am suffereing.
Anyways, on my profile info, there is a link to my sons page. Check it out. I really dont think anyones likes bickering, but I think Rebecca has taken your info as harsh, maybe you could let her know the same thing you told me. Ok thanks
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I forgot to add your name on the above..All I really can do is try, its hard, but I have too.Please read above.
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Please check my info and see if you can copy and paste the link I provided. Let me know if it works, it is a link that will take you to my sons page...Allright folks, off to school!!:)
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Here4,  prayers for you.  Your story is so painful to read,  I was crying but I really wanted to read all the way to the end.

Prayers for comfort for you and your family.
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Thank you..
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I'm not really a step parent per-say, however I do look after a 13 yr. old girl who is a daughter of an ex of mine now and then. Does that count? She spends the night on weekends here and there. Her mom is in and out of prison and her father never has time for her. It makes me sad for her, so I do as much as I can. I'm having a rough time of it though knowing exactly the right way to deal with a teenager, as I have never had one before. Sometimes she lies to her grandmother with a straight face even though her grandmother KNOWS she's lying...and once she knows she busted, she keeps trying to lie. This isn't her, as much as I know it's something she's learned from her mother. Can you give me any advice on how to deal with this issue? Thank you so much.
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My heart truely goes out to you and your family. You are by far one of the strongest.  After I reading your story it really made me sit back and think about my own  life. I dont know what broke my heart more the pics or your words. But I give you so much credit to still be kicking.
God Bless You and Your Family !!!!!!!!!!!
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Thank you Rebecca, I really feel that it has been important to write Jaidens story, he was truly a blessing from God. I have to survive now because I have the other kids, for awhile I really thought all I wanted to do was give up and join Jaiden. So bad that I stopped eating, slept all the time, didnt want to talk to anyone, I was giving up!  Even normal daily things started to bug me, bills, messy house, I was confused and lost.I hurt so bad, that I couldnt think of I had dreams everynight, I wanted to live in them, not reality, there was no pain, tears, or sadness. I still dream like that, But something happend, I woke up one morning and looked at my messy house, I looked at my kids and husband, and thought to myself that this wasnt fair. I wasnt being fair to my family or even myself, so I mustered up the energy to try and start thinking positive and accomplishing things slowly. One by One. God didnt want me now, he has dfferent plans for me, I had to be strong for myself and my family. So that is how it has been one day at a time, baby steps. It has made me look at the world differentlyappreciate what I have and loving so much more.  Thank you guys for reading my story, it really means alot to me. So when I say, I would like positive things to happen with this section, I really mean it because its the only way I can find healing!!
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HaHa, neat name. On the lying issue, shes old enough to sit down and talk to. Just sit with her and explain that lying is wrong and if she has something that is going on, that she needs to say so. It sounds like she is going through a tough stage with her parents going through all of their troubles, try a school counselor or therapy. She will be able to work through her issues and hopefully the lying can stop. Why do the parents let you take her? Teenagers need someone to just talk to sometimes, and the poor girl seems like she has been through alot. Does she do good in school? Listen to her grandmother? You might be the only person that can help her to grow up and be different than her parents, good luck and let me know thanx
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Her dad lets me have her whenever on weekends. I have more say about what goes on in her life than even her mother. On mothers day I was having a hard time of it. My youngest daughter didn't accept my calls, and the 13 yr olds mother didn't call her...So her idea for the day was, "Since you don't have a kid today, and I don't have a mom...can I be your kid so I can have a mom?" It made me cry sad and happy tears, and we went shopping together. She's not much of a talker to outside people. I'm not sure she'd even talk to a school counselor, and therapy is expensive. She does talk to me more than anyone else...so I let her when she's ready. Her parents are both still into drugs. I only come to visit her and her grandmother who is like a second mom to me. She can do well in school...when she applies herself. A lot of the time she doesn't do or turn in her homework. I'd love to have her come live with me, but that'd never happen. Her grandmother would get her before I would. She listens to her grandmother, but always has something to complain about before doing what she's told. I think that's just part of the age though. I try my best to instill things in her that are good and nurturing that I think might have been missed being taught to her by her parents. It's pretty rough. I am moving in a block away from her in a few weeks, so I'll be closer. Maybe we can spend more time together. I'll be able to help her more with her homework. Thanks for taking the time to listen. You're a great woman. I hope your journey of healing is treating you well. Take care of yourself. :)
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I just went to Jaiden`s page. It is heartbreaking. Only who has come to know unbearable pain will find happiness in all the small and large things in life. Wishing you and your family to be blessed with miracles and magic to come.
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Hi, Im sorry, your last writing did not go on noticed. I am very happy that you guys have worked out your issues, even allowing your son to have an option to where he goes each week. That is very important and I am seeing that same thing in my 11 year old. His dad likes to fight me, at least once a year about our son moving to California, Finally this year, I told my ex, just ask Joe, and he did and Joe wanted to stay here and visit there. Thank God cause he was threatening court and everything, and I would hate to go to court and have all that stress. So joe stays here, and his dad is supposed to see him once a month, but he doesnt usually do that, joes over it know, he really doesnt care cause when he is with his dad, his dad stays very busy with work and joe doesnt have many friends, so he doesnt really ever want to go. Because I have two exs, I remind my kids that someday, they might have a new step mom, I want them to understand that it could happen. I tell them that all I want, is someone that will be good to them, and that its ok for them to love a woman that is good to them and treats them right. I have mentioned this to my exs too cause they get kinda "wierd" when they say they have a girlfriend, like they want me to have an opinion or something, so i Just tell them, "Hey do what you want, as long as the woman loves my kids like I do, then Im happy, besides that, good for you" Thats really all I would want, see its not my decision, its theirs, but they know by now that there special someone needs to love the kids too..I have fought very hard for my kids to stay with me, but when they make the decision to go live with their dads, and its there honest opinion, then I want to be able to give them that choice.
Anyways, thank you for reading my story, I really appreciate that you guys have read it really. A nice lady from Washington is putting his story in a magazine and a newspaper, Im excited because when Jaiden passed, all I wished for was that people could know him like we did. Now he will be famous, hehe..But I wish I was writing about my baby that was alive somedays, I just miss him so much!!
I started counseling yesterday, I go back on the 31st, then I have a ton of dr appts coming up, hopefully they can fix me, I wannna be normal..allright guys thank you so much!!ill be back later to respond to anymore ???S
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Hi, it is a sad and terrible thing that this girl has to go through.Im happy that you are allowed to help her, it seems like she needs someone to fill in for now. Has the parents tried to get off dugs? or do they even care? Does the grandmother have legal custody? Maybe she should get it, and it will or can force the parents into rehab. Keep up the good work, you are doing a great job with her.Im sure she appreciates everything that you and the grandma do. Have you had a chance to talk to her about her lying? Why she does it? all right let us know, thanks
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Here is the situation now.

DH came to me Thursday evening and said his son (age 19) was moving back in with us. I explained very calmly that I was uncomfortable with that due to the fact that his son has threatened to kill me, threatened to push me down the stairs and has threatened to hit me with his fist.  Even to the point that SS has flinched at me while in an argument about his disrespectful behavior of calling me foul names, (to graphic to post). I also explained very calmly that this isn't the first time this has
happended and after seeing his picture with guns on the internet, and knowing he now has access to them I am afraid of him. I also stated that his drug dealing out of the house, which is why he got kicked out before, was drugs in the house made me uncomfortable. DH stated "I'm not asking your permission, I am telling you". I calmly asked if he could guarantee my saftey, and DH reponse was yes. I got up to walk away and DH said, Is that all you are going to say? I told him that that was it. What else is there to say. Well since then, on Friday morning he got up to go to work and left me alone with his son for an hour while I had to get dressed for work. Then SS wasn't there until Sunday morning and sat down in the living room and started to watch the game and it made me uncomfortable to be around him, I am scared and don't trust him. I told DH I was leaving going to the store or wherever because I didn't want to be around him. I left for about two hours to calm down and do my own thing.  Then DH and OSD decided to leave and DH passed right by me and didn't
tell me he was leaving and that SS was there with me alone, while he was going to be gone. I grabbed my car keys and left to the lake while he was gone. I tried to call him to find out when he would be back and he wouldn't answer the phone, so I left a VM that said to call when he got back. He didn't so I had to wait until he drove up to go int he house. Yesterday he wouldn't talk to me, and I called to find out when he would be home or if SS was going to work due to me not wanting to be home alone with this SS who by the way is 19, he blew up and said he wasn't going to choose me over his kids and wants a divorce, he isn't happy etc..... PS DH's  truck was stolen and been
linked to SS and possible drug involvement, but right now police can't prove it. Just there are some issues that have led police in his direction ie SS friend was the one who called in the stolen truck on fire.Well, wtf do I do now? Walk away or what? Is it me, am I being a ***** and making him make that choice? I am so confused I really hate this ****. Help me please!!!

At a loss as a step-parent.
Sahuarita, AZ
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I think getting a divorce is a really good idea.  He does sound dangerous,  but he's your husband's son and your husband feels compelled to help him out.

I would take him up on it.  
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The mom has been in and out of rehab so many times that i think its useless for her by now. The father has not even tried. He thinks he is a functional tweeker. Whatever. We all know better. The girl has even expressed to me personally that she wishes her dad would stop using Meth. That's right, not just "drugs"...She KNOWS! She isn't a little kid anymore. I told her gramma what she told me, and she agrees that it's time for him to get his poop in a group, but I think as his mom she's kind of scared to but in. I can't do anything about what's between them you know? I agree, Gramma SHOULD get legal custody, and she'd like to, she just doesn't know how to go about doing it without making her son feel betrayed. Although I think that wouldn't matter so much if it were me, since he betrayed his own daughter as a father. I'll be seeing her this weekend and plan to bring up her lying. Not sure how it will go. I need to do it in a way that doesn't make her feel threatened so she will still feel like she can trust me. I don't want to corner her or make her feel embarrassed or shameful. I just want the old her back. Thanx for listening. I'm great full there are people out there like you who really care.
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That is a very scary situation. I would feel uncomfortable too. How long have you been married? Why is DH freaking about divorce, do you have other problems going on? Well, Ill say this, If you love him and think it is worth it to try and keep the relationship, then suggest counseling. However it sounds like hes the one fed up. The SS is 19, so if he threatens you in any way fashion or manor, you can call the cops and they might arrest him because hes an adult. That will cause problems with the DH but if hes not protecting you, you need to be able to protect yourself. He problaly thinks its funny that your scared, 19 year olds that are messed up like to mmake people feel that way when they have lost there own control. I know your scared, but try not to show it, walk around with your head high and tell him you donnt like his attitude when he gives you some.Wash his white clothes in hot water with a red shirt, and itll color his boxers pink, I dont know..lol.Hes being a bully, and you cant let him bully you, its not right. Is this weird behavior for DH? Could he be very stressed from the problems his son has? Maybe  u could suggest that you want to help him get help for SS,hey, if SS has to go to rehab, he wont be living with ou anymore. thats terrible to live in fear, if DH wont protect you and really wants to get out. Then maybe its your time for freedom!! good luck and let us know
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I happen to think your DH is not supportive to you at all...does he believe you about the threats?

I understand being there for your children and not giving up on them no matter what the age however,  if SS has that much additude , is that violent and that violents is directed towards you ,he SHOULD NOT be in that house with you.....How very reckless of your husband to risk your safety. Your Dh could help him in other ways. ( IMO)  your Dh ( if he knows the threats are true) is only allowing and giving SS the message that its ok to treat a human like this and that its not important to show you (his wife) respect.

Why does SS have so much hatred towards you? Are you just a convenient outlet?

I guess it also sounds like you and DH have other issues..."Im not asking you,im telling you". thats a very aggressive thing to say.

Also you need to think of your safety first, that is YOUR home where you are supposed to feel safe and if you dont, then I say leave. Staying just doesnt seem worth it but, at this point it sounds like your DH has made up both your minds.

sorry this is happening.....good luck , stay safe and go with your intuition on this.
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~ I saw the pictures and read about your families loss........ I am so very sorry for you all.

Your tribute to Jaiden is beautiful. Jaiden could'nt have had a more loving family, how blessed you  were to have each other.

Thank you for sharing and touching all of us, I cried and hugged my littlest one  but, when the rest of them come home there getting a BIG  LONG squeeze too.
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I went to your website and tried, several times to read through it, but I do not have it in me right now.  A very good friend of mine lost her 3 month old son and we had the funeral the day before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter.  This is one of those things that I fear with every bit of my being.  Right now my son is at his bio mom's for the weekend, so I always have a huge sense of anxiety and worry while he is gone.  I will try again to read it at another time, but now is just not it.  My heart and prayers go out to your family.  I have a daughter with autism and when people tell me, God it must be so hard, I think, man could it be worse, I am blessed for all I have.  And I know that you are blessed in so many ways with what you do have, but that is a loss that no one should ever have to deal with.  What a beautiful tribute you have given him...I am sure that he is still with you and loving knowing that he is still so completely loved.
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Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to read Jaidens story. He was so special! His story is going to be in a newspaper and a magazine, Im waiting to find out when, maybe Monday. I prayed so much for him, but their were so many signs, I just cant beleive it happend to us, this is something I would wish no one had to live through, its truly heartbraking.We take things for such granted until something like this happens,, and then everything seems important. Thank you for loving your kids more, it is so important. No one ever knows when something like this is going to happen. Thank you again.
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I completly understand, when I as pregnant I read a couple stories that just through me into a panic and crying out of control. I couldnt handle it back then. I am so sorry about your friend, is she doing ok? Really, if she needs someone to talk to, please have her email me. I dont know how much help I can be, but maybe I can be alittle. Anxiety is terrible, I deal with it allmost everyday. That and panic attacks, thats why I like the computer, no one can see me having them..haha.You are very blessed with what you have, problems or not, God gave us gifts, it is our job to keep them on Gods path. Have a relaxing weekend, everything will be ok, the thing with control, I found no one really has it, its in Gods hands, he has the control I thought I did, so I pray for him to give me strength and answers. It was really hard to realize that, for me, I liked to be in control, and slowly over the last 3 years or so I have been losing control, of my body, my step kids, and now my baby. So I have given God the control to help me just get through all of this.Its really hard.
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I was just checking on everyone, how is everyones week? Any one have anything going on? I got an answer from MedHelp about the Step Parent forum, this is what they said: Hi,

This is one we hadn't thought of before, so we'll add it to the coming list and see what we can do. This could easily be a sub-forum within the Child Health family of forums we have. Thanks for the suggestion.
Kinda hoping for it to go up..Allright, well have a good one
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My son recently got out of the hospital because of his aggressive behavior. My husband {stepdad} doesnt have much to do with him, but it did seem to get better thursday-----sunday. Well his daughter arrived for the week on sunday.And stepdad attitude towards tristan changed. Well yesterday Tristan didnt have a good afternoon in school and he came home in a hateful mood. Stepdad jumped him saying, do you want to go back there, because you acting like this is why you went in , in the first place. Also telling him your going in time out because he was trying to tell me what was wrong. Yes tristan was getting loud about it but he also has a hard time with his feelings.

I guess my question is what to do now?? I am doing everything I can to help tristan with the problems he is having but it feels one sided. Oh, by the way, tristan is adhd, odd, and has a mood disorder. He takes risperdal and concerta daily.
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I have 3 children to my ex-husband.My new partner has a child and we have a child together. We have his daughter every weekend(fri-sun) and its fantastic! My children love their step-dad to bits and my stepdaughter keeps asking when she can move in with us!! We get no nasty or bad behaviour but we do get a lot of silliness and sometimes we get arguing from the girls (2 9 yr old & 1 10 yr old) but it dosent last long and they are soon the best of friends again. Maybe im just lucky that all the children are quite responsible and also my boyf's ex is very understanding when it comes to money if she asks for something for their daughter and we cant afford it we sit and *** to an arrangement sometimes she buys it and we pay her back the following week or she pays half and we pay half. The children understand that if one gets a treat they all get a treat we have 5 children b'tween us and they all get treated the same. When my children visit their father for the day  he always buy's them a present so my stepdaughter and my son get a present of their father(my boy'f) and they understand . There was a bit of jealousy when my boy'f and i first got together mainly from my step daughter,because she had her dad to herself for 4 years, and from my son because he didnt want his mum to have a friend he was only 4!.It didnt last long about 3 months or so i think if step parents just persevere and treat all children the same then eventually things will come good.Also remember that the step child has to leave their home and stay in some one elses. Try to make it their home aswell my step daughter has her own bed, chest of drawers and 2 full toy boxes in the bedroom she leaves her things here because she chooses to at xmas and b'days she decides what she wants to take to" home with mum" and what she wants to keep at "home with dad and sarah"
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Hi, with your son Tristan, it is very important to find out why he is having his emotions, when he can talk openly about how he feels, then it will only benefit everyone, including himself because he will be able to eventually know himself full circle, especially when he gets older. I dont think your husbands thing is to much of a "step" thing, and this is why. Men in general and from my experience, dont like to dip into their "emotions", so when there child does, they react with the man tude, of "close up and get over it". I am not saying every man does that, nor am I saying that is precisly what is happening, but it has been my experience. Not many men will sit down and have a one on one trying to figure out the true reason for behavior, they kinda want to just nip it in the bud. So, as far as your son goes, everyone knows moms will listen, so try to listen to what he says, and then talk to your husband about it, ironically, your husband might discuss it with you away from the child. See, if he has any better ideas, or if there are "man /boy" things they could do together to allow your son to release some of his tension.
I think your doing a great job..Why was he in the hospital? I know it was for aggression, but what did they treat him for? Im just wondering, ok, have a good day..
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Hi, that story makes me remember what a good family we had for awhile when we had all of our step kids together. For the most part they did get along, and it was kinda fun to plan out holidays and birthdays cause there will so many kids..They all had there own rooms, there own stuff, even there own bathrooms for a while. It was truly hectic, but it wasnt to bad. It only changed when the kids manipulative mom came back in the picture. The kids really had so much faith in her, they listend to everything she said. Not much has changed though, we still have my kids and 1 well 2 (1 in memory) together, they still have there own stuff and I love them so much. My hubbys really good with them, although Im the serious one and he is the fun one, it works out really well. It was neat though, to get the kids all together and go for a drive, or go eat, etc. Kinda like we were extra special cause we had so many, people used to ask "Are these all yours?" and Id tell them "yeah", they would look at me like I was nuts, haha..Having step kids really isnt that much different than having your own, and it really depends on who else is involved. For example, my 2 kids have been mine through their lil lives, I of course as mother felt it was important for them to be with me, and after some getting used to and acceptance on all parts, my exs and I get along rather well. We started off "doing it for the kids", and it has turned into a mutual understanding, they know that I have my best interests in the kids, and they do there part as well, often coming to our state to visit the kids, and race my sons races. I think it has been a very importanat thing for my kids to see as well, someday they migh be in the same situation, and I want them to be strong enough to be close to their kids no matter what happens. As for my hubbys kids, I did the same thing with their mom, actually, its allmost my fault. When I moved here, his kids didnt see their mother, she would lie to them or promise to come and never come. My hubby didnt "push" her to be around them.But it broke my heart that they felt un loved by their own mother, so I started to make her responsible and do what she said she would do. I talked to her often "explaining" the kids to her because she said "she didnt know them".I wasnt just raising them, I felt as if I was teaching her how to be a mom as well, she would even call when they were with her and ask us to talk to them cause they were misbehaving. What I didnt expect was for her to take every single word I had told her, and everything I had taught the kids, to turn it around on us. She claimed she recorded everything I said, she made the kids lie about certain things, she refused for us to see them and scared them into thinking we were going to steal them away from her. She completly did everything in her power to get the kids not to love us, all because she was jealous and unhappy with herself. So bad that we went to a drs visit and she called the police, and the kids wouldnt even hug us or talk to their lil sister. Basically while I felt I was trying to "help" her be responsible, she was planning to wipe us out of the kids lives forever. My husband is a fighter, but he had allready been fighting her for 5 years with all her bs. He finally said enough is enough, the kids will grow up and know he difference between her malicious ways and our loving home, and thats how it has been. Of course, I dont wake up with anxiety about what she is going to do next, and its less stressful, but I never met a person as evil as her, and I feel terrible, but then reason sets in that this was Gods plan, maybe it was for a good reason, somehow..
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Im sorry, I didnt realize how long that was..hehe..I guess I got carried away!!
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Tristan was being very violent to the other children in the home. He hit my 1 year old very hard in the face, ect. And at the time his ped doctor, and therpist would not help me with his meds. The adderall (adderrall) turned him into a monster and you wouldnt take the risperdal at all. So I toke him to the emergancy room and after sitting their for 10 hour they put him in impatient. He was there from the 4th until the 11th. He has been doing alot better  since his meds were changed and I am so so glad that he is home.
And they treated him for agreesion, adhd, odd, and mood disorder.
take care
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Gosh thats terrible. I dislike when doctors dont actually help, then the er takes forever..But Im glad you were able to take care of it..and get him better medicines.hopefully everything will start to work out..
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282524_tn?1348492612
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Look we got a forum now, check it out, pass it on to your friends, and help to answer some of the questions that might be posted. Thank you for all the support!!
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/show/171
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I am so upset!! First thank you for the post. My blended family is awesome!! We are truly blessed. This is not why i am upset. Me stepsons mom and i are great friends and supporters of "our" son. His father and his ex get along. It really is wonderful. My stepsons stepfather is apart of his life. Sounds ideal right? Well tonight my 10 yr old daughter came to me and told me thatmher 16 year old stepbrother layed on top of her and began to thrust and put his hands down inside her underwear!!! I am shaking! I believe her 100 percent. I am sitting in her room. I need advice before i get in my car and go to  my parents. Told husband but he got quiet and nothing.
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