My step parent section..

[here4theinfo]

So this is what I have, this space, my ideas, opinions,responses and questions aren't always perfect, but I just want to have this space to say THANK YOU to all of the "step parents". Being a child of divorce and a mother of divorce, I have had "step parents", my kids have had "step parents" and I have been a "step parent"..Its like a world that revolves around "step parents". I noticed awhile back on these boards there are easy ways to upset people. Being a "step parent" with any problem is one way. It can be any problem and the boards blow up and usually "turn" againest the "step parent". It can be from the smallest "how to get my step child to kiss me, to how do I disipline my step child", and before you know it, peoples replies become judgemental. I think it may just be a "group" of elders that had parents that were married forever that don't quite understand the whole "step parent" situation. Sometimes, being a "step parent" is not a choice, sometimes it is, whatever the "step parent" reason is, I think it is just wonderful that there is another person to love our children!!! Our society should be more approving of it because it is the REALITY, not badger the "step parent" for trying to do what a normally responsible/irresponsible biological parent should be doing. Which brings me to why I am leaving this post, if you find that you are a "step parent" frustrated by 'badgers" and you can not find a helpful answer, post your question here, for now, and I with what ever powers I have, will be an easy listener and hoping helpful answer. Yes, I know this is quite a strestch, but I guess Im tired of reading posts where "step parents" dont ever get an answer, and by the time they do, they usually are frustrated and dont post anymore replies. This forum is supposed to be helpful to everyone, and I feel I can be a helper, and I know there are others on here who are very helpful, so give it a try. I want to see what kind of things I can accomplish that are positive. Thank you so much for reading this! Have a nice day!!

[clk1999]

I am so upset!! First thank you for the post. My blended family is awesome!! We are truly blessed. This is not why i am upset. Me stepsons mom and i are great friends and supporters of "our" son. His father and his ex get along. It really is wonderful. My stepsons stepfather is apart of his life. Sounds ideal right? Well tonight my 10 yr old daughter came to me and told me thatmher 16 year old stepbrother layed on top of her and began to thrust and put his hands down inside her underwear!!! I am shaking! I believe her 100 percent. I am sitting in her room. I need advice before i get in my car and go to  my parents. Told husband but he got quiet and nothing.

[here4theinfo]

Look we got a forum now, check it out, pass it on to your friends, and help to answer some of the questions that might be posted. Thank you for all the support!!
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/show/171

[here4theinfo]

Gosh thats terrible. I dislike when doctors dont actually help, then the er takes forever..But Im glad you were able to take care of it..and get him better medicines.hopefully everything will start to work out..

[rebbecca]

Tristan was being very violent to the other children in the home. He hit my 1 year old very hard in the face, ect. And at the time his ped doctor, and therpist would not help me with his meds. The adderall turned him into a monster and you wouldnt take the risperdal at all. So I toke him to the emergancy room and after sitting their for 10 hour they put him in impatient. He was there from the 4th until the 11th. He has been doing alot better  since his meds were changed and I am so so glad that he is home.
And they treated him for agreesion, adhd, odd, and mood disorder.
take care

[here4theinfo]

Im sorry, I didnt realize how long that was..hehe..I guess I got carried away!!

[here4theinfo]

Hi, that story makes me remember what a good family we had for awhile when we had all of our step kids together. For the most part they did get along, and it was kinda fun to plan out holidays and birthdays cause there will so many kids..They all had there own rooms, there own stuff, even there own bathrooms for a while. It was truly hectic, but it wasnt to bad. It only changed when the kids manipulative mom came back in the picture. The kids really had so much faith in her, they listend to everything she said. Not much has changed though, we still have my kids and 1 well 2 (1 in memory) together, they still have there own stuff and I love them so much. My hubbys really good with them, although Im the serious one and he is the fun one, it works out really well. It was neat though, to get the kids all together and go for a drive, or go eat, etc. Kinda like we were extra special cause we had so many, people used to ask "Are these all yours?" and Id tell them "yeah", they would look at me like I was nuts, haha..Having step kids really isnt that much different than having your own, and it really depends on who else is involved. For example, my 2 kids have been mine through their lil lives, I of course as mother felt it was important for them to be with me, and after some getting used to and acceptance on all parts, my exs and I get along rather well. We started off "doing it for the kids", and it has turned into a mutual understanding, they know that I have my best interests in the kids, and they do there part as well, often coming to our state to visit the kids, and race my sons races. I think it has been a very importanat thing for my kids to see as well, someday they migh be in the same situation, and I want them to be strong enough to be close to their kids no matter what happens. As for my hubbys kids, I did the same thing with their mom, actually, its allmost my fault. When I moved here, his kids didnt see their mother, she would lie to them or promise to come and never come. My hubby didnt "push" her to be around them.But it broke my heart that they felt un loved by their own mother, so I started to make her responsible and do what she said she would do. I talked to her often "explaining" the kids to her because she said "she didnt know them".I wasnt just raising them, I felt as if I was teaching her how to be a mom as well, she would even call when they were with her and ask us to talk to them cause they were misbehaving. What I didnt expect was for her to take every single word I had told her, and everything I had taught the kids, to turn it around on us. She claimed she recorded everything I said, she made the kids lie about certain things, she refused for us to see them and scared them into thinking we were going to steal them away from her. She completly did everything in her power to get the kids not to love us, all because she was jealous and unhappy with herself. So bad that we went to a drs visit and she called the police, and the kids wouldnt even hug us or talk to their lil sister. Basically while I felt I was trying to "help" her be responsible, she was planning to wipe us out of the kids lives forever. My husband is a fighter, but he had allready been fighting her for 5 years with all her bs. He finally said enough is enough, the kids will grow up and know he difference between her malicious ways and our loving home, and thats how it has been. Of course, I dont wake up with anxiety about what she is going to do next, and its less stressful, but I never met a person as evil as her, and I feel terrible, but then reason sets in that this was Gods plan, maybe it was for a good reason, somehow..

[here4theinfo]

Hi, with your son Tristan, it is very important to find out why he is having his emotions, when he can talk openly about how he feels, then it will only benefit everyone, including himself because he will be able to eventually know himself full circle, especially when he gets older. I dont think your husbands thing is to much of a "step" thing, and this is why. Men in general and from my experience, dont like to dip into their "emotions", so when there child does, they react with the man tude, of "close up and get over it". I am not saying every man does that, nor am I saying that is precisly what is happening, but it has been my experience. Not many men will sit down and have a one on one trying to figure out the true reason for behavior, they kinda want to just nip it in the bud. So, as far as your son goes, everyone knows moms will listen, so try to listen to what he says, and then talk to your husband about it, ironically, your husband might discuss it with you away from the child. See, if he has any better ideas, or if there are "man /boy" things they could do together to allow your son to release some of his tension.
I think your doing a great job..Why was he in the hospital? I know it was for aggression, but what did they treat him for? Im just wondering, ok, have a good day..

[littlesare]

I have 3 children to my ex-husband.My new partner has a child and we have a child together. We have his daughter every weekend(fri-sun) and its fantastic! My children love their step-dad to bits and my stepdaughter keeps asking when she can move in with us!! We get no nasty or bad behaviour but we do get a lot of silliness and sometimes we get arguing from the girls (2 9 yr old & 1 10 yr old) but it dosent last long and they are soon the best of friends again. Maybe im just lucky that all the children are quite responsible and also my boyf's ex is very understanding when it comes to money if she asks for something for their daughter and we cant afford it we sit and *** to an arrangement sometimes she buys it and we pay her back the following week or she pays half and we pay half. The children understand that if one gets a treat they all get a treat we have 5 children b'tween us and they all get treated the same. When my children visit their father for the day  he always buy's them a present so my stepdaughter and my son get a present of their father(my boy'f) and they understand . There was a bit of jealousy when my boy'f and i first got together mainly from my step daughter,because she had her dad to herself for 4 years, and from my son because he didnt want his mum to have a friend he was only 4!.It didnt last long about 3 months or so i think if step parents just persevere and treat all children the same then eventually things will come good.Also remember that the step child has to leave their home and stay in some one elses. Try to make it their home aswell my step daughter has her own bed, chest of drawers and 2 full toy boxes in the bedroom she leaves her things here because she chooses to at xmas and b'days she decides what she wants to take to" home with mum" and what she wants to keep at "home with dad and sarah"

[rebbecca]

My son recently got out of the hospital because of his aggressive behavior. My husband {stepdad} doesnt have much to do with him, but it did seem to get better thursday-----sunday. Well his daughter arrived for the week on sunday.And stepdad attitude towards tristan changed. Well yesterday Tristan didnt have a good afternoon in school and he came home in a hateful mood. Stepdad jumped him saying, do you want to go back there, because you acting like this is why you went in , in the first place. Also telling him your going in time out because he was trying to tell me what was wrong. Yes tristan was getting loud about it but he also has a hard time with his feelings.

I guess my question is what to do now?? I am doing everything I can to help tristan with the problems he is having but it feels one sided. Oh, by the way, tristan is adhd, odd, and has a mood disorder. He takes risperdal and concerta daily.

[here4theinfo]

I was just checking on everyone, how is everyones week? Any one have anything going on? I got an answer from MedHelp about the Step Parent forum, this is what they said: Hi,

This is one we hadn't thought of before, so we'll add it to the coming list and see what we can do. This could easily be a sub-forum within the Child Health family of forums we have. Thanks for the suggestion.
Kinda hoping for it to go up..Allright, well have a good one

[here4theinfo]

I completly understand, when I as pregnant I read a couple stories that just through me into a panic and crying out of control. I couldnt handle it back then. I am so sorry about your friend, is she doing ok? Really, if she needs someone to talk to, please have her email me. I dont know how much help I can be, but maybe I can be alittle. Anxiety is terrible, I deal with it allmost everyday. That and panic attacks, thats why I like the computer, no one can see me having them..haha.You are very blessed with what you have, problems or not, God gave us gifts, it is our job to keep them on Gods path. Have a relaxing weekend, everything will be ok, the thing with control, I found no one really has it, its in Gods hands, he has the control I thought I did, so I pray for him to give me strength and answers. It was really hard to realize that, for me, I liked to be in control, and slowly over the last 3 years or so I have been losing control, of my body, my step kids, and now my baby. So I have given God the control to help me just get through all of this.Its really hard.

[here4theinfo]

Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to read Jaidens story. He was so special! His story is going to be in a newspaper and a magazine, Im waiting to find out when, maybe Monday. I prayed so much for him, but their were so many signs, I just cant beleive it happend to us, this is something I would wish no one had to live through, its truly heartbraking.We take things for such granted until something like this happens,, and then everything seems important. Thank you for loving your kids more, it is so important. No one ever knows when something like this is going to happen. Thank you again.

[mom2-2ts]

I went to your website and tried, several times to read through it, but I do not have it in me right now.  A very good friend of mine lost her 3 month old son and we had the funeral the day before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter.  This is one of those things that I fear with every bit of my being.  Right now my son is at his bio mom's for the weekend, so I always have a huge sense of anxiety and worry while he is gone.  I will try again to read it at another time, but now is just not it.  My heart and prayers go out to your family.  I have a daughter with autism and when people tell me, God it must be so hard, I think, man could it be worse, I am blessed for all I have.  And I know that you are blessed in so many ways with what you do have, but that is a loss that no one should ever have to deal with.  What a beautiful tribute you have given him...I am sure that he is still with you and loving knowing that he is still so completely loved.

[momma-of-3g1b]

~ I saw the pictures and read about your families loss........ I am so very sorry for you all.

Your tribute to Jaiden is beautiful. Jaiden could'nt have had a more loving family, how blessed you  were to have each other.

Thank you for sharing and touching all of us, I cried and hugged my littlest one  but, when the rest of them come home there getting a BIG  LONG squeeze too.

[momma-of-3g1b]

I happen to think your DH is not supportive to you at all...does he believe you about the threats?

I understand being there for your children and not giving up on them no matter what the age however,  if SS has that much additude , is that violent and that violents is directed towards you ,he SHOULD NOT be in that house with you.....How very reckless of your husband to risk your safety. Your Dh could help him in other ways. ( IMO)  your Dh ( if he knows the threats are true) is only allowing and giving SS the message that its ok to treat a human like this and that its not important to show you (his wife) respect.

Why does SS have so much hatred towards you? Are you just a convenient outlet?

I guess it also sounds like you and DH have other issues..."Im not asking you,im telling you". thats a very aggressive thing to say.

Also you need to think of your safety first, that is YOUR home where you are supposed to feel safe and if you dont, then I say leave. Staying just doesnt seem worth it but, at this point it sounds like your DH has made up both your minds.

sorry this is happening.....good luck , stay safe and go with your intuition on this.

[here4theinfo]

That is a very scary situation. I would feel uncomfortable too. How long have you been married? Why is DH freaking about divorce, do you have other problems going on? Well, Ill say this, If you love him and think it is worth it to try and keep the relationship, then suggest counseling. However it sounds like hes the one fed up. The SS is 19, so if he threatens you in any way fashion or manor, you can call the cops and they might arrest him because hes an adult. That will cause problems with the DH but if hes not protecting you, you need to be able to protect yourself. He problaly thinks its funny that your scared, 19 year olds that are messed up like to mmake people feel that way when they have lost there own control. I know your scared, but try not to show it, walk around with your head high and tell him you donnt like his attitude when he gives you some.Wash his white clothes in hot water with a red shirt, and itll color his boxers pink, I dont know..lol.Hes being a bully, and you cant let him bully you, its not right. Is this weird behavior for DH? Could he be very stressed from the problems his son has? Maybe  u could suggest that you want to help him get help for SS,hey, if SS has to go to rehab, he wont be living with ou anymore. thats terrible to live in fear, if DH wont protect you and really wants to get out. Then maybe its your time for freedom!! good luck and let us know

[Furnace]

The mom has been in and out of rehab so many times that i think its useless for her by now. The father has not even tried. He thinks he is a functional tweeker. Whatever. We all know better. The girl has even expressed to me personally that she wishes her dad would stop using Meth. That's right, not just "drugs"...She KNOWS! She isn't a little kid anymore. I told her gramma what she told me, and she agrees that it's time for him to get his poop in a group, but I think as his mom she's kind of scared to but in. I can't do anything about what's between them you know? I agree, Gramma SHOULD get legal custody, and she'd like to, she just doesn't know how to go about doing it without making her son feel betrayed. Although I think that wouldn't matter so much if it were me, since he betrayed his own daughter as a father. I'll be seeing her this weekend and plan to bring up her lying. Not sure how it will go. I need to do it in a way that doesn't make her feel threatened so she will still feel like she can trust me. I don't want to corner her or make her feel embarrassed or shameful. I just want the old her back. Thanx for listening. I'm great full there are people out there like you who really care.

[RockRose]

I think getting a divorce is a really good idea.  He does sound dangerous,  but he's your husband's son and your husband feels compelled to help him out.

I would take him up on it.  

[Sahuarita Step-mom]

Here is the situation now.

DH came to me Thursday evening and said his son (age 19) was moving back in with us. I explained very calmly that I was uncomfortable with that due to the fact that his son has threatened to kill me, threatened to push me down the stairs and has threatened to hit me with his fist.  Even to the point that SS has flinched at me while in an argument about his disrespectful behavior of calling me foul names, (to graphic to post). I also explained very calmly that this isn't the first time this has
happended and after seeing his picture with guns on the internet, and knowing he now has access to them I am afraid of him. I also stated that his drug dealing out of the house, which is why he got kicked out before, was drugs in the house made me uncomfortable. DH stated "I'm not asking your permission, I am telling you". I calmly asked if he could guarantee my saftey, and DH reponse was yes. I got up to walk away and DH said, Is that all you are going to say? I told him that that was it. What else is there to say. Well since then, on Friday morning he got up to go to work and left me alone with his son for an hour while I had to get dressed for work. Then SS wasn't there until Sunday morning and sat down in the living room and started to watch the game and it made me uncomfortable to be around him, I am scared and don't trust him. I told DH I was leaving going to the store or wherever because I didn't want to be around him. I left for about two hours to calm down and do my own thing.  Then DH and OSD decided to leave and DH passed right by me and didn't
tell me he was leaving and that SS was there with me alone, while he was going to be gone. I grabbed my car keys and left to the lake while he was gone. I tried to call him to find out when he would be back and he wouldn't answer the phone, so I left a VM that said to call when he got back. He didn't so I had to wait until he drove up to go int he house. Yesterday he wouldn't talk to me, and I called to find out when he would be home or if SS was going to work due to me not wanting to be home alone with this SS who by the way is 19, he blew up and said he wasn't going to choose me over his kids and wants a divorce, he isn't happy etc..... PS DH's  truck was stolen and been
linked to SS and possible drug involvement, but right now police can't prove it. Just there are some issues that have led police in his direction ie SS friend was the one who called in the stolen truck on fire.Well, wtf do I do now? Walk away or what? Is it me, am I being a ***** and making him make that choice? I am so confused I really hate this ****. Help me please!!!

At a loss as a step-parent.
Sahuarita, AZ

[here4theinfo]

Hi, it is a sad and terrible thing that this girl has to go through.Im happy that you are allowed to help her, it seems like she needs someone to fill in for now. Has the parents tried to get off dugs? or do they even care? Does the grandmother have legal custody? Maybe she should get it, and it will or can force the parents into rehab. Keep up the good work, you are doing a great job with her.Im sure she appreciates everything that you and the grandma do. Have you had a chance to talk to her about her lying? Why she does it? all right let us know, thanks

[here4theinfo]

Hi, Im sorry, your last writing did not go on noticed. I am very happy that you guys have worked out your issues, even allowing your son to have an option to where he goes each week. That is very important and I am seeing that same thing in my 11 year old. His dad likes to fight me, at least once a year about our son moving to California, Finally this year, I told my ex, just ask Joe, and he did and Joe wanted to stay here and visit there. Thank God cause he was threatening court and everything, and I would hate to go to court and have all that stress. So joe stays here, and his dad is supposed to see him once a month, but he doesnt usually do that, joes over it know, he really doesnt care cause when he is with his dad, his dad stays very busy with work and joe doesnt have many friends, so he doesnt really ever want to go. Because I have two exs, I remind my kids that someday, they might have a new step mom, I want them to understand that it could happen. I tell them that all I want, is someone that will be good to them, and that its ok for them to love a woman that is good to them and treats them right. I have mentioned this to my exs too cause they get kinda "wierd" when they say they have a girlfriend, like they want me to have an opinion or something, so i Just tell them, "Hey do what you want, as long as the woman loves my kids like I do, then Im happy, besides that, good for you" Thats really all I would want, see its not my decision, its theirs, but they know by now that there special someone needs to love the kids too..I have fought very hard for my kids to stay with me, but when they make the decision to go live with their dads, and its there honest opinion, then I want to be able to give them that choice.
Anyways, thank you for reading my story, I really appreciate that you guys have read it really. A nice lady from Washington is putting his story in a magazine and a newspaper, Im excited because when Jaiden passed, all I wished for was that people could know him like we did. Now he will be famous, hehe..But I wish I was writing about my baby that was alive somedays, I just miss him so much!!
I started counseling yesterday, I go back on the 31st, then I have a ton of dr appts coming up, hopefully they can fix me, I wannna be normal..allright guys thank you so much!!ill be back later to respond to anymore ???S

[Trialanderror]

I just went to Jaiden`s page. It is heartbreaking. Only who has come to know unbearable pain will find happiness in all the small and large things in life. Wishing you and your family to be blessed with miracles and magic to come.

[Furnace]

Her dad lets me have her whenever on weekends. I have more say about what goes on in her life than even her mother. On mothers day I was having a hard time of it. My youngest daughter didn't accept my calls, and the 13 yr olds mother didn't call her...So her idea for the day was, "Since you don't have a kid today, and I don't have a mom...can I be your kid so I can have a mom?" It made me cry sad and happy tears, and we went shopping together. She's not much of a talker to outside people. I'm not sure she'd even talk to a school counselor, and therapy is expensive. She does talk to me more than anyone else...so I let her when she's ready. Her parents are both still into drugs. I only come to visit her and her grandmother who is like a second mom to me. She can do well in school...when she applies herself. A lot of the time she doesn't do or turn in her homework. I'd love to have her come live with me, but that'd never happen. Her grandmother would get her before I would. She listens to her grandmother, but always has something to complain about before doing what she's told. I think that's just part of the age though. I try my best to instill things in her that are good and nurturing that I think might have been missed being taught to her by her parents. It's pretty rough. I am moving in a block away from her in a few weeks, so I'll be closer. Maybe we can spend more time together. I'll be able to help her more with her homework. Thanks for taking the time to listen. You're a great woman. I hope your journey of healing is treating you well. Take care of yourself. :)

[here4theinfo]

HaHa, neat name. On the lying issue, shes old enough to sit down and talk to. Just sit with her and explain that lying is wrong and if she has something that is going on, that she needs to say so. It sounds like she is going through a tough stage with her parents going through all of their troubles, try a school counselor or therapy. She will be able to work through her issues and hopefully the lying can stop. Why do the parents let you take her? Teenagers need someone to just talk to sometimes, and the poor girl seems like she has been through alot. Does she do good in school? Listen to her grandmother? You might be the only person that can help her to grow up and be different than her parents, good luck and let me know thanx