Need Help with 4 Year Old's Behavior

I am at my wit's end and do not know what to do about my 4 year old daughter's behavior.  When she gets angry she will hit, bite, kick, call names, pinch and spit at people.  She says horrible things and calls people terrible names (stupid jerk, butt crack face, shut up, I hate you, you're stupid...).  We do not talk this way to each other and I don't know where she comes up with some of the things she says. We monitor her t.v. watching   We have tried time outs in her room or a chair away from the main action.  She does not stay and the time out itself will turn into a whole new issue of a struggle.  When she gets mad she will often throw things, and try to break things.  

When she gets really out of control I will calmly hold her on my lap and hold her arms & legs so she can't hit or kick me. She then will try to bite, head butt, spit, etc.  This eventually works but takes her a long time (15-20 minutes?) to calm down, and always escaltes her in the begining of me holding her.  There are times when no one really knows why she's mad - we could have heard her wrong or said something that wasn't quite right in what she was thinking......so it's hard to know what the cause is to her angry outbursts.  

The big issue of the past couple of weeks is that she refuses to get dressed.  She will scream and engage in all the behaviors mentioned above.  We have tried giving her 2 choices , do you want to wear this one or that one, behavior charts, forcing her to get dressed (does NOT work!! :)  ).  She has missed school because she will not get dressed - (we can't really put her in the car naked!)  So I really do not know what to do about this problem-- the same thing happens at night when its time to put on jammies.  She is a very strong willed child, and I don't think "normal" discipline procedures necessarily work with her.  

I am in dire need of some advice other than timeouts and sticker charts!!!    I know one problem is that after so long the people who are with her get very mad  (me, dad, grandma, etc)  and it's so hard to remain calm when this is going on.  It doesn't seem that bad on paper but it is AWFUL in reality!!  Thanks for any help you can give!

[margypops]

This sounds like a child/Parent interaction problem..what happens prior to a tantrum .what triggers it , I found your last part of your thread telling, "I know one problem is that after so long the people who are with her get very mad and its hard to remain calm when this is going on " hence me saying I think there is an interaction problem . Children respond better to being left alone to getting dressed and ready for bed , get up earlier in the morning to allow her time to get dressed  children do not like being rushed ,and leave her to it, no keep telling her to hurry up, same at night ...let her be incontrol more , Holding her down in my opinion is not a good idea and only inflames the situation .best to just let her yell ,get on with what you are doing and not respond.She is responding back to your anger ..Good book out there SOS Help for Parents by Lynn Clark ...Its not simply your daughter in my opinion it is an interaction problem going on good luck ...