Need help with 16 months old niece

[Me2mommy2b]

My 16 months old niece has gotten into the habit of hitting and biting when she doesn't get what she wants. She seems to not understand that this kind of a behavior is not acceptable b/c she smiles when she does it. My sister gets very firm with her when she behaves that way but that doesn't seem to help her. What would be the correct way of handling this situation? She's the only child my sister has right now. Thanks.

[RockRose]

Typically,  biters are the underdog.  Usually children who have no recourse,  and aren't strong enough to hit or push other kids who are hurting/bullying them,   bite as a last recourse to defend themselves or their property.

A child who is biting a loving, normal parent is a completely different story,  and not the typical "biter",  so they have to be treated differently than a typical biter.

What do you think when you watch this?  The child honestly doesn't seem to care,  or perhaps doesn't notice,   that your sister is mad - does it look to you like your sister is conveying anger?  You do see this sometimes - the mother is kind of begging for good behavior,  kind of cajoling,  when the typical mother can make it clear that they are ANGRY,  and that behavior is NOT ACCEPTABLE and won't stand.  I see mothers saying in kind of this plastic voice,  that wasn't a good choice to make,  we don't bite,  I won't let you hurt me,  you sit here now.  Bla bla bla.  Where they should convey fury and outrage,  they go into plastic mode.

Is that what is happening?  

Best wishes.

[RockRose]

I just re-read your post,  and it's not clear that the child is biting her mother.  

Is it possible she's a really small child,  and doesn't know other ways to assert herself with children?

[Trialanderror]

Don`t think too much of it yet. When biting becomes a bad choice of showing aggression, it is usually after age 2 1/2 or so when children are somewhat able to use their words.
My son had a short phase around 15 or 16 monhts when biting or hitting of parents and grandmother flared up as a new discovery. I learned from other parents that this is very common at that age for whatever reason. I found it was too early and complicated to pull that whole time-out thing on him. I simply held the hand that hit and moved it to another spot saying "Ouch, that hurts mommy" without any smile on my face and when he tried to bite, I put an object between his teeth and said "You can bite books or carrots but not mommy. It is ouch". The phase lasted 2 weeks with me but about 3 months with his grandma who usually ran away and he thought it was a really fun game.

[Trialanderror]

I like your expression "plastic voice" - it seems that the modern mother has nicely read all their parenting chapters and repeats them like a mantra. It is too much talk. I reserve my words for the good times and use silence and a brief look of disapproval for the serious moments, followed by a quick explanation later on when the child is unemotional. It works pretty well until they enter large daycare settings and go through teacher mantra...

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I also have the mean mother look....My oldest is 15 and it still works on her and all her friends who routinely hang in my basement.

Regarding the biter, perfectly normal, will probably pass.  The best approach is a loud "no bite" and put the baby over to one side of the room, away from whomever they were biting.  Then fuss over the bitee.

[Trialanderror]

It really works, right? To get your child to listen to you and watch your facial expressions for approval however only works with mutual respect. And that you can only build up from birth by listening to your baby`s cues. If they feel understood they try to understand you later.

[Kalio1]

mutual respect from a 1 1/2 year old? that is not possible. sounds to me like the child has learned they dont have to respect anyone except themselves if they bite and hit like that. The behavior is BAD and deserves a proper response from Mom, disapproval, removal and stern voice and expression. This singsongy "no no dear" time out junk does nothing to teach the child limits and consequences at all. You cant time out a toddler and have it work. Children want and need boundaries of behavior and they get mixed messages from all this ridiculous nicey nice or plastic ( great word for it Rose) face behavior from parents who are afraid to atually parent and care more about trying to remain calm which the child interprets to mean the parent doesnt care, so they escalate the behavior to try to get a response. The kids who's parents can't provide discipline and boundaries get older and more out of control and obnoxious. Biting needs to be nipped in the bud and requires a fast and effective reaction. Hitting is equally as bad, biting can be dangerous and cause nasty infections.
You can be a respectful,loving and attentive Mom and at the same time teach the child through your actions, tone and words when they will not be allowed to behave that way with direct consequences for the bad behavior.

[here4theinfo]

Hi, a very firm and loud "No biting" should be said. My 16 month old has done it once or twice and it has caught me off guard, so I end up yelling "No biting" to her. She looks at me and cries, and I tell her (even though she is a baby still)that it hurts mommy and I give her a hug. When I tell her "No Biting" I've tapped her mouth and teeth to let her understand what she used to make the ouch. She hasn't done it again and I know she will do it when she gets older cause all kids do. If it is a huge problem when they get older, you can always "nibble" back and say "No biting, that hurts doesn't it". Now to make myself clear, you don't technically "nibble" with your teeth, your use your lips hard enough to kind of pinch them so they can feel it, they will be old enough to understand when you tell them why it hurts and they shouldn't do it again. I have done it with all my kids, and other friends have tried it to and it works.