Need help with 8 year old step son's behavior

[atmywit]

My 8 year old step son is a WONDERFUL boy when he wants to be, but has issues making correct choices in his life! I have been with his father since he was just turning 4 and there have been some ongoing issues we've been dealing with. My step son's biological mother left my husband and their son when he was only 1 year old for another man. Since then, my husband has had physical placement of him and has been doing a wonderful job as a single dad. I've seen that Casey has ongoign issues with stealing, lying, back talk, dirty looks, etc.  We have been living together for 3 years now (married for 7 months) and have been working hand in hand with his teachers (he's now in 2nd grade) trying to find effective ways to keep him on a positive path. His mother has been involved also, but not always in a positive way. They have basically 51/49% custody so she gets him for a good chunk of time. We are both affraid this hasn't always been a positive thing-we've witnessed (and documented) her lying to not only my husband and I, but also to their son MANY times (and he recognizes that "mom lies"). We also heard that she was fired several years ago from her job for stealing money out of the cash register. I'm sure he sees these bad examples on a regular basis and we believe this could be why he doesn't see the importance of what we're trying to get him to understand. He's made comments that he wishes I was his mom and we always let him voice his frustration with whatever is on his mind and just not comment when it's about his mom. On good days, we are a very loving family unit, but my husband and I do stand strong and support each other when we need to. We have been taking him to see a therapist on a semi-regular basis and it does seem to help--for a while. His mother took him for the 1st visit but has never taken him since, even when the therapist has asked her to--so she can be up to speed with us.  When Casey gets upset, it just snowballs until he is basically out of control--i.e. this morning he was caught lying and it snowballed to a HUGE temper tantrum, mouthing back and making comments that "I'm just a bad stepson, I know".  We have NEVER said this to him, and always correct it to say we love him no matter what, but he does make some bad decisions. I physically walked him into school today and he actually started banging his head on his desk until I got him calmed down. I wanted to give his teacher a heads up about the morning so she was aware of his chosen behavior. His teacher has been wonderful this year, but we are all at a loss for what to do now.  We've tried SO many different types of rewards and punishments, but it just doesn't seem to get thru to him! He just doesn't show people respect! We are still contemplating going for full custody, but we're not sure that would even help or just make it worse. We love this little boy dearly, but just can't seem to get thru to him.  Please let me know if you have any opinions or ideas! HELP US PLEASE!!!

[banchee88]

I myself have had troubles with my 9yr old daughter stealing. And have been through transitions problems when I was a child, but mine was due to being in the system as an adoptee. I can tell you that it is very hard if there isn't any consistancy like the doc was saying. It turned out that my daughter has ADHA the predominantly inatentive and impulsive side. It is an up and down struggle. I too agree that the biological mother is compounding the problems and you MUST do what is in the CHILD's
best interest. If he is expressing that he wishes you were his mother I would say that he is letting you know that he wants to
get away from his mother and You should listen to him. He is asking you for help. They just can't get it out the way we do. He will love you both all the more for it. It lets him know that he means that much to you in the long run. It won't be easy but it is worth it for both you and him.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

If he does proceed, the court may well appoint a guardian ad litem, whose job it will be to investigate what might be in Casey's best interest and to report back to the court with some recommendation.

[atmywit]

Thank you very much for your input.  I'm not certain about mood disorders for certain, but I do believe his biological mother has "issues".  I know she has tried to commit suicide atleast once (she took a bunch of Tylenol I believe) when my husband was with her (before Casey was born) and I know she's seen a therapist in the past.  Unfortunatly she hasn't seen one lately that we've known of--I believe this could be benefitial to her.  I know there is no history of any of these types of problems on dad's side.  Our therapist has mentioned the transition issues, and we agree completely--my husband is just apprehensive to move forward with custody adjustments because we both know how she will react to the news--we don't believe it's about Casey necessarily, but more about control and manipulation of the situation.  Thank you again!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Is there any family history of mood disorder? What is hard to know with your son is how much his symptoms are due to (a) the difficult family situation/history or (b) biologically-based emotional disorder (such as depression). In general, particularly if one or both of the parents does a less-than-adequate job as a parent, the 50/50 shared custody arrangements do not work well. They create a less-than-stable situation for the child, with too many transitions. Children need a principle residence, where they spend by far the bulk of their time. They particularly need to go to bed and wake up in the same bed on every school day. My sesne is that it would make sense to seek an alteration in the custody arrangement. This in itself would likely help your son be more stable and his mood more even.