No One Wants To Play With My 7 yr Old

[rysmommie]

My 7 yr old son is having trouble keeping friends.  He plays with children in the neighborhood but always is being sent home for causing trouble.  At times he is crying because others have hit him or said mean things then I find out he is the one that has provoked the incident.  This usually happens every time he plays with more than 1 child but not always.  When he is playing at my house I often hear him taunting and provoking the other kids.  He never stops doing the annoying behavior until the other child is screaming at him to stop or has threatened to go home.  This kind of behavior happens over & over again.  My son is then punished and his friends are sent home.  I have discussed how important it is to have friends you must be a "good friend" and respect others feelings and when someone tells you to stop that behavior he needs to listens to them.  His behavior has not changed and now these children don't want to play with him.  He often cries and says that he is an "idiot and no one likes me". This breaks my heart.  He tends to want to play with older children, 2 in particular.  This triangle is not working out well because there is jealousy and constant fighting with my son and he tries to manipulate one friend against the other.  My husband & I have tried to have him develop other friendships outside the neighborhood but the same type of behavior exists.  
We have had him in counseling for behavior & anger issues.  These sessions were costly and ineffective.  He was angry at us for making him go & thought that this was his punishment.  We are very concerned about his temper, frustration & anger and just want him to be a happy boy.  When we look back over the past 7 yrs we don't think he was ever happy even as an infant.  He has always been a very serious child & it takes a lot to get him to laugh & be silly.  
I don't understand why this negative behavior continues when he knows the consequences.  Is this a form of bullying?  If so how can we change it?  We are now at a point where no other parents in the neighborhood want my son to play with their children.  Please help!!!

[Mary621]

A related discussion, How To Help My 7 Year Old When No One At School Wants To Play With Her On Recess Or Eat Lunch With Her was started.

[dmcshe]

I am having similar problems with my 7 year old daughter but it isn't all the time. She has issues with friends, but not bad enough that they don't still want to play with her from time to time. She is always serious, it does take her a lot to giggle or laugh and she has a tough time with her younger brother who is 4.  She, out of nowhere, changes her mood, such as in a classroom setting, and the teacher says it is literally impossible to change it once it goes sour. It is very difficult and she doesn't take responsibility or is not accountable for what she does.

She is in a social skills group at school but he can't seem to get her to talk. She has a hard time expressing herself. She will see a therapist, recommended by the school for some sessions with social and emotional issues, which have not started yet.

I am at my wits end and feel like crying.

[NickyIsHere123]

One thing you can try is letting him know that YOU determine when he gets to play. If he is not in a good mood or is displaying some aggressive behavior, then I would find an outlet that would allow him to get the pent up[ frustration out. You may want to try swimming, runing, jogging, bike riding, etc. I would try activities that are only you and him for awhile. On the other hand, getting along with other kids is not the easiest thing in the world. good lucken

[maryheather]

We went through an identical situation with my daughter, now 9.  I applaud you for your consistancy on the behavior charting/rewards, etc.  You did everything that we did, and it is so tough to be a parent...this way.  You can NEVER back down, or drop your guard.  You must always be consistant, and the child will eventually learn.
I was just struck by your compassion, and by the similarities of our situations.  
This too shall pass--my daughter is now a well-behaved, social, accepted 9 year old...but it took a few years of struggle before we felt like we were "coming out" on the other side.
Good luck to everyone--

[Jennifr1966]

I can't begin to tell you how incredibly closely-related this plea sounds to my own almost-8-year-old daughter.  Parents who don't homeschool claim it's because she's an "only" or because I homeschool, but that isn't it.  Regardless of how you expose your child, children are going to have similar experiences, and our (yours and my) children are both experiencing a painful form of rejection.  Trust me.  Your son *wants* friends, but also he's at an age where, if he can have you in his corner, that makes him feel safer.
I should tell you that my daughter has several diagnoses, but the most important one is bipolar. (She's adopted, and I don't know her history.  If yours is genetic, check for unusual situations in your families' pasts.)
The best thing you can do -- besides getting him evaluated by a child psychiatrist -- is to give him things to do that make a difference around the home.  Make him feel useful and productive, like his life has real, concrete meaning.  Let him know how special he is, and play-up his strengths. Yes, I know it's hard to see his strengths when he's like this, but he will have them. They're probably just off and on, depending on his mood.  If they get him on the right mood-regulating medicine, you'll slowly start seeing those strengths played up.  
Also, what you see and he sees is different.  For example, say you take him to the park, the fair, cub scouts, etc.  Even if there were conflicts, don't be surprised if he liked it!  Start it with naming a couple things that were fun, without mentioning what made it not so much fun.  For example, if at the fair, "Wow! That tilt-a-whirl seemed to be going really fast! You didn't get the LEAST bit dizzy?" ("No")  "Man!  That's something else!  So, was it fun?  Good, I'm glad you had fun.  Leave it at that.  Give him whatever FOND experiences you can.
It's possible the "fussing" parts are just par for the course, and he still enjoys experiences, just not other people.  Mine is the same way.  She honestly ruins a lot of things for me, but when asked, she had a wonderful time in her mind.  Keep it positive that way.  Wait til much later - the next day even - to bring up any ONE thing that you would like to work with.
Don't expect major changes.  Let it be one thing at a time.
A couple other important issues:
Caffeine / sugar : Take him off. Now.  Esp. Mountain Dew or Mellow Yellow.  It makes a bad situation worse.
Behavior Chart:  Nothing is going to work long for kids like this, but if there's something he REALLY LIKES you MIGHT stand a chance.
Ahead of time I took her shopping for three -- $1, $2, and $3 -- gifts, and put them up.
What I did was take ONE behavior I wanted to concretely see changed.  I put it on a sheet and tacked it to the board.  If every single day for a week she did this behavior, she got a check.  At the end of the week, she got her $1 prize.  The next week, if it continued, she got the $2 prize, etc.  Now, she had to literally earn 7 checks to get it, so if it took her 4 weeks to get 7 checks, that's how long she had to wait. I also found that giving her a single sticker as a daily instant reward helped her, too.
I hope this helps.  Please feel free to contact me, if there's a way. This is my first day, so I don't really know the ins and outs yet.
Sincerely,
Jen

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is likely that your son displays a mood disorder and that this is the reason for his negativity and anger. Is there a family history of mood disorder? Did the possibility of this get raised when he was in touch with the counselors/therapists? At his age, the most effective type of therapy to address this problem is social skills group. See if there is such a resource in your area. Asking at the school might yield some ideas. If he does display a mood disorder, medication would be an important part of the treatment, even at his young age, because such disorders are biologically-based emotional conditions. On a practical level, for now, have him play chiefly at home with one same-age peer. It also is sensible to enroll him in organized, structured activities in the community so that he can learn, in a structured format, how to engage successfully with peers.