Normal mother/son relationship?

Posted by Nancy on July 26, 1999 at 07:32:23
My son will be 14 this Friday.  He has always been a real challenge even as an infant.  He was fussy and colicky altho he did not really have colic.  If he was awake, he was either screaming or eating.  Nothing I did helped and I was very diillusioned as a 35 yr old 1st-time mom.  My husband used to laugh and say the problem was that our personalities were so much alike.  He got along great with him then.  As it turned out he has ADD (no hyperactivity, tho) and SLD in math.  
Over the last 2 or 3 years that has changed and they are at each other's throats all the time.  All my husband has to do is say "Boo" and my son blows up and vice versa.  However, our "similarities" in personality have made my son and I closer.  Yesterday, we went to a movie while my younger son, who gets along with everyone, and his dad went to a theme park (my older son and I don't like "rides" and that's all they have there).  While in the movie, he wanted to hold my hand.  He frequently laughs and says he wants to marry me someday.  Then when I say I'm "taken" and besides he needs a nice pretty girl his own age, he says he wants to work with the FBI and won't really ever marry.  He's also becoming afraid to sleep in his own room and wants to sleep in the living room which is right under our bedroom.  I sometimes feel he is too attached to me, but I feel I am the only one in the family that he can talk to when he's upset and I'm afraid to do anything to alienate him.  And honestly, I'd rather spend time with my son than my husband.  My son listens to what I say and we have similar interests and I, in turn, listen to him.  My husband has a way of making you feel that what you have to say is trivial.  My dad died in June and we drove his car from up north to our home in Fla.  My older son rode with me the whole way and it was very enjoyable.  It was like riding with a friend.
He has friends, so he says, and often says he wants to do things with them.  Sometimes he suggests I won't let him, but I tell him to feel free to set something up and I'll take them where ever they want to go, but he never follows through.  He is quite obese and cannot control his eating and that makes him feel bad, but I have yet to get any doctor interested in trying to help us with this.  I worry alot about him.  He also has irritable bowel and I know when he starts high school in August, that will start up all over again.  Any thoughts or advice?

Posted by HVMA Ph.D. - KDK on July 26, 1999 at 10:44:23
Dear Nancy,
To directly answer your question, this is not a normal parent/son relationship. Both of you are relying on the relationship to provide for needs which should really be met via other relationships. You are depending on your son for emotional closeness and confiding in him in a way that is not appropriate. He is relating to you in some ways that are more appropriate for a peer and in some ways that are more appropriate for a spouse.
The best guidance I can offer you is to seek an evaluation for your son by a child mental health clinician. Be sure to emphasize that you are concerned not only about your son as an individual, but about the the nature of the family relationships in general. It sounds like your son may be displaying both mood disorder and anxiety disorder, along with compulsive overeating, in addition to his ADHD and learning disability, and that the family system itself needs attention. This can all be clarified, and a plan for help developed, during the course of the evaluation. In all likelihood, if there is no underlying medical problem (e.g., metabolic disorder) your son's obesity is a symptom of his emotional difficulties.
The information in this forum is provided for general medical education. Always address your personal doctor with any questions about your condition.
*Keyword: Depression, Anxiety, Overeating, Adolescence, ADHD, Relationships, Parenting

Posted by Nancy on July 26, 1999 at 13:24:19
One footnore, if you'll permit....I guess I should have told you we just saw the supposed "best" child psychiatrist in town 2 weeks ago.  My son was on Bentyl for IBS, Valium for anxiety over the IBS and Wellbutrin for depression over the pain of the IBS.  The pain had been so bad, he was threatening suicide.  That was April and we could not get in to see this guy till this month.  The suicide business is over-we finally got him to realize that he did not want to die but wanted to have the pain go away and that these were two very different things.  
Luckily, I typed up some things for the doc to consider beforehand including the obsession with food.  The doc would not speak to me without my son being present which I understand and respect on the one hand but I feel there are some things we should have discussed on our own.  His first words to my son were, "So, you want to commit suicide...."  That went over real big!  And he  never touched on the eating disorder aspect altho I listed that as well.  However, I did not want to embarrass my son by bringing it up.  He talked to my son without me and I know my son did not tell him the truth on alot of things because he did not want to talk to this guy.  I feel the doc got the impression I was just an overly anxious mom.  He said to quit the Wellbutrin, wean him off the Valium and come back in 2 months (which will be after school starts again).  I don't know how much that session will cost, but it was a total waste as far as I'm concerned!!!!  
I have the name of a family counselor, but, you know, I would like "one stop shopping".  Go to someone who will counsel us and medicate us as well instead of having to go to all these different people (stress management psychologist, family counselor, adult and child psychiatrists).  No wonder I need Xanax!  Thanks for listening!

Posted by HVMA Ph.D. - KDK on July 27, 1999 at 09:02:55
Dear Nancy,
My guess, and it is only that, is that the psychiatrist wants to proceed with a 'clean slate' in regard to medication, which may not be a bad idea. Wellbutrin is an antidepressant which is useful for children who display both depression and ADHD. It is generally not recommended that children be prescribed benzodiazepines, of which Valium is one type, except to address short-term, acute situations. The newer antidepressants tend to be quite effective in ameliorating symptoms of anxiety and are a safer alternative for children than medications in the benzodiazepine class.
While your idea of locating a single clinician who can handle all the family's needs is an appealing one, it's probably not the best approach. Your son will, of course, need a child psychiatrist to manage his medications. For therapy, you should probably seek a clinical psychologist or clinical social worker with a specialty in child/family issues. With young children, the person who serves as the child's therapist often handles the family therapy as well. But with teens, the preferred arrangement is generally for the teen to have an individual therapist and for a separate person to handle the family piece. This will be particularly important in your family, where so-called boundaries do not seem to be well defined. Hope this is useful in guiding you.