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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
OLDER SIBLING TEACHES A TODDLER AN OBSCENE GESTURE
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
OLDER SIBLING TEACHES A TODDLER AN OBSCENE GESTURE
by DGF, Apr 05, 2005 12:00AM
I am a father of a blended family. I have two daughters from a 13 year marriage 11 and 8 years of age. I have a 3 year old with my present wife. The 11 year old and the 3 year old are in the gifted IQ range the 8 year old is above average.
The 3 year old got angry in day care and "flippe the bird" to her teacher. When quizzed as to where she learned to do that, she replied that the 8 year old instructed her.
My wife and I plan to gently reinforce with the 3 year old that such gestures are not an acceptable way to express anger and leave it at that.
I do not know whether or not the 11 year old put the 8 year old up to the training or whether she took it upon herself to do it. It would not be out of character for the 11 year old, but I am surprised at the 8 year old. She has been manipulated by the 11 year old before, but is in general a happy thoughtful girl. She does demonstrate some frusration over losing her role as the youngest child.
She and her sister did attend a siblings birth class and were allowed to participate in the pregnancy. The 8 year old was been the 3 year old's "favorite" since birth up until about 18 months. They still frequently play together, but the 8 year old has shown some resentment over having to share with her younger sister and frustration over the amount of time that has been devoted to her younger sister by both my wife and I.
I plan on talking to both older daughters to determine whose idea to teach their sister an obscene gesture. However, I am interested in preventing other surreptitious training events and modeling better behaviors as role models. All three are generally closely supervised when together, but I did not supervise closely enough last PM while performing household chores.
What would be an appropriate punishment for the eight year old and/or eleven year old?
What is the best way to encourage self-restraint and a desire to be a better role model for each child whether I am watching or not?
Thanks
DGF
The 3 year old got angry in day care and "flippe the bird" to her teacher. When quizzed as to where she learned to do that, she replied that the 8 year old instructed her.
My wife and I plan to gently reinforce with the 3 year old that such gestures are not an acceptable way to express anger and leave it at that.
I do not know whether or not the 11 year old put the 8 year old up to the training or whether she took it upon herself to do it. It would not be out of character for the 11 year old, but I am surprised at the 8 year old. She has been manipulated by the 11 year old before, but is in general a happy thoughtful girl. She does demonstrate some frusration over losing her role as the youngest child.
She and her sister did attend a siblings birth class and were allowed to participate in the pregnancy. The 8 year old was been the 3 year old's "favorite" since birth up until about 18 months. They still frequently play together, but the 8 year old has shown some resentment over having to share with her younger sister and frustration over the amount of time that has been devoted to her younger sister by both my wife and I.
I plan on talking to both older daughters to determine whose idea to teach their sister an obscene gesture. However, I am interested in preventing other surreptitious training events and modeling better behaviors as role models. All three are generally closely supervised when together, but I did not supervise closely enough last PM while performing household chores.
What would be an appropriate punishment for the eight year old and/or eleven year old?
What is the best way to encourage self-restraint and a desire to be a better role model for each child whether I am watching or not?
Thanks
DGF
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Apr 06, 2005 12:00AM
, Apr 06, 2005 12:00AM
While in many instances I wold be inclined to suggest some form of discipline, it may not be necessary here. If you discover that some encouragement took place, it may be enough to just set a very firm limit on such inappropriate guidance, with the understanding that any further instances of coaching inappropriate behavior will be met with consequences. It would be useful, if one or both of the girls was (were) involved, to have them address some words of regret to their sister. Without doubt the most salient interventiuons we make as parents are embodied in the values and standards of behavior we endorse in the family, and it does not sound like you are wanting in that regard.
