Our 4 year old granddaughter was sexually abused and won't potty train...

[Carol1962]

Please help me...we have asked counselors and what you would consider professionals and no one has any ideas...our granddaughter was never potty trained when she lived with her mother and father. Last July we found out the kids(her and her brother) were sexually abused by their father and he also raped a six year old neighbor girl. Our granddaughter was constantly told she was a baby and needed to stay in diapers...She didn't want to be big and she wanted to listen to her daddy. She is still having problems not being completely petrified of the potty because of the abuse...but it has been six months and she still won't try. We have decided to try and show her that the potty isn't the bad thing and it won't hurt her in anyway...help....any ideas...we just try and keep telling her that we love her and won't let anything hurt her and all kids use the potty.

[Amphitrite]

Ohh, that web page is based off of christian beliefs. I hope that's okay with you. I had no idea as I didn't read the whole thing but just the beginning about what it would contain. There is some good information so if your not Christian just ignore the rest. But if you are, even better:)

[RockRose]

Carol,  great that you're seeking help for her,  and great that you're being patient and understanding.  Toilet training can be so frustrating even in the usual circumstances,  and you sound like you have a great deal of patience and understanding.

Have you allowed her to pick out a small training potty,  and put it wherever she wants?  Although her fears are many dimensional,  fears of the toilet itself are pretty common in small children and often can be overcome by having the power to choose the toilet and use it in a place other than the bathroom - a corner of her bedroom,  or even her closet,  for example,  until she gets used to it.  A great DVD/book is "Once Upon a Potty for her" and it might help alleviate some of her fears.  Cute songs,  cute pictures,  not intimidating at all.    Maybe you've already tried those usual things.

God bless you for being such a caring grandma.

[Amphitrite]

here's a web page..it may or may not be helpfil ot may have some helpful buts in it for you

http://net-burst.net/sex_abuse/toilet.htm

I hope that works and you kind find something in the article that will help in some way.

[Amphitrite]

Oh my heart goes out to you and those children. It must be heartbreaking for you to know that their fsther hsd hurt them.

Here's what I'm getting out of your post. For onr your grandaughter was never potty trained and told by her father (hr abuser) that she was to stay a baby and stay in diapers. Am I understanding that?

Sexual abuse can have deep reaching and devestating effeccts. And at your grandaughters age knwing that this happened I'm guessing not to long ago, those immeduate effects have taken place. Because it was ger father whom she was suooised to love and trust she may be have some very confused feeling and because if her fathers instructons to her to stay a baby and in a diaper she is afraif not to apease even though he isn't there. Four year olds understand alot more than er think, but they still aren't cognativly developed to understand that he may not come back and hurt her.

I myself had BM issues when I was young after I was poyyt trained after I was sexually abused. So my advice to you would be to get those children into a child psychologist who specializes in abuse ASAP. The professionals may not understand because they aren't trained to treat child abuse or don't know the whole situation?
But speaking as an adult survivor of CA, the earlier you get those kids to a child psych who knows about abuse the better. And they do exist. Even psychologists who may not specialize in abuse but do know how to help treat the effects in children.

The potty for many resons can be associated with sexual abuse. But your grandaughter was taught she was to stay in diapers and not use the toilet and paired with sexual abuse,,,she must be very frightened. And for chids after sexual abuse there doesn't have to be a real immediate danger. Because the danger is in their memory

Does your grandaughter have any other concerning behaviors? Night terrors, nightamreas, isolation, not wanting to be touched?

I hate to say this, but I'm not really sure you are going to be able to tackle this on your own without a professionals help. Sexual abuse is so damaging. And although she's young, she's old enough to understand daddy hurt her and probably threatened her also if she told. And she wasn't allowed to use the toilet.

I wish I could give you a more helpful answer of things you can do right now to help her potty train. But my thoughts are (and I could be really off base) that she needs to learn that she's in no danger using the potty, which will take time and also work with a child psychologist who understands the effects of abuse.

There is an experts child behavior forum here where you can ask a question to an expert. They may be able to give you some more information.

But your not alone. I know it can feel frustrating and hurtfull knowing why she refuses..but were always here if you have any questions or need anything. I don't know many in this forum, but I'm sure they're all great. And you can always feel free to PM myself and mommyagain anytime. Unfortunitly the abuse forum is closed temp while they work on it..but us survivors are still around and always here for you.

Huggs

Amph

[momagain59]

Do these children attend therapy? If not, I would start with that. I was a foster parent for 10 years and I encountered many children that had been sexually abused. It will not be a quick thing to potty train this child. He diaper is her protection from being abused again. She will hold onto that for as long as she can. I really would not make it an issue at this time. She needs to be in control of what she takes off and puts on her body for a while. I feel so bad for this little girl that has already been through more than a lot of adults have. I am so glad that you are there to help her make it through this tragedy. It is too bad that she has to have any contact with her Mother. She will not feel safe until she can be safe from her. This type of Mom can even do damage in a supervised visit. I pray that you win custody. If she were to see a good therapist, this could help your custody battle. It is hard for a Judge to ignore what comes out of the mouth of children. Some preschools accept children before they are potty trained but Preschool is not an important as healing from this abuse. Unless, you need her to go to Preschool or a babysitter, I would not send her. This will also cause her anxiety because she will not feel safe, away from you. How old is her brother? Is he adjusting o.k.? This post really needs to be posted on the abuse forum but it is shut down for a short time, hopefully. I am here, hopefully I can help you.l

[Angelinthemorning]

At 4, I'm assuming she knows what the potty's for??  If so, when you let her know she can "pee-pee" in there let her be in the bathroom by herself.  Just stand outside the door with it barely cracked so you can hear her.  I can only imagine she's scared to death so, maybe having that privacy will make her more comfortable???

[Carol1962]

SHe has contact with her mother some but she just got out of jail after 2 months for selling drugs with a new boyfriend and had the kids their at the time and he also may have molested them while they were there in the house with them for just 7 weeks - mind you, there father was only gone for 2 months when she put them with another man that is a drug dealer...their father is in prison for 10 years for the rape of this man's step daughter and he may have been trying to get back at him for this but he was accused of it before (the boyfriend) and now we have had them back for 3 months and are fighting for custody with supervised visitation for their mother but she has only seen them twice in 3 months. our grandchild is very well adjusted and happy and shows she is safe except when potty training is brought up but we have only really talked about it because of her terror, really, towards the potty. We are very patient with her but it has to come to a point of getting this  done as we can't even put her in preschool or anything until then and everyone says that will help to get her doing things but potty training isn't even close and we are trying to work on counteracting what was said to her but don't know the extent of it...and she was checked for damage but nothing that showed.

[momagain59]

Does she still have contact with her parents? Does she have visits with them?