Our son having problems listening in Kindergarten

[LaryJ]

Our son is 5 yrs. old and has just started Kindergarten 2 weeks ago.  He is having problems listening to the teacher, getting a "yellow" card almost every day.  Today he got his first "red" card and the teacher has asked us to make an appt. for a conference.  We also have a 10 yr. old daughter and she never had behavioral problems at school.  We have tried various behavior modifying efforts such as time outs for bad behavior, and making a list with our son of special things that he likes to do so that he can do an activity after school w/ mom if he behaves.  He has a tendency to be loud in the house and also sometines doesn't listen well at home.  I have just started reading a few books on behavior improvement and discipline techniques, but I can't read fast enough, and now he has earned himself a "red".  His school is a CA Distinguished School, and they are very intolerant of behavioral problems.  We want to help him change his behavior to prevent him getting kicked out of school.  He does not have any rage issues or ADHD symptoms, he's just rambunctious and is pushing the envelope.  Can you reccommend any counselors in the San Jose, CA area, or do you have other suggestions ?  <zoo_keeper_dude***@****>   Thank you .......

[MarkMcC]

A related discussion, Worried and confused by my son's behavior. was started.

[sunbaby01]

I am a mother of three children, my oldest being four. I thought with him starting jk this year, i would have been able to coordinate my time and focus on each child to there needs a bit more. But it seems it turned out completly opposit. My son, is like most of your struggling children out there. I get more stressed out at the end of the day when i know hes coming home from school. Sometimes me and my husband even pick at eachother whos turn it is to get him off the bus. Knowing that his busdriver almost allways has to have a word with us about his behavior. The notes in his folder are pretty much an everyday thing. Our son is only 3 monthes into his school year, and we have allready had to pick him up twice half way through the day, because of his disruptiveness. I am sad that his teachers says he "cant" sit still, not he "wont" sit still. I dont understand what that means. I am a young mother and timeouts, taking away his favorite toys, telling him he cant watch tv, or no snackes after dinner just arent helping. We have had talk after talk with him but he is only four and i dont know if im going about this the right way or not. Its now 2 weeks till christmas and yes i have explained how naughty children dont get presents, but besides my guilt of telling him these things, they just dont work. "i want to be good" is all he says when we question him about his daily behavior at school. I need some help now! Please any ideas would be better then none.

[favi]

A related discussion, HELP I FEEL DISCRIMINATED was started.

[Jdjohns]

A related discussion, Kinder issues as well was started.

[jerseymom]

My son is doing the same things- hitting kicking pushing at preschool and doesn't do it at home or with kids outside of school. I dread pickup time also.

I don't see why having a child evaluated is offensive to you. Personally, I think if he's having problems, NOT bringing him to be evaluated is more damaging in the long run. They are there to HELP you with your child. If you can't fix this yourself, then why not bring your child to an expert in children and have him/her help you also? If you do this through your insurance, the school won't know, and he won't be labeled in any way there.

I did take him to get evaluated because I have tried absolutely everything, have read tons of books, and am working closely with the school- NOTHING is working. He had FUN with the dr- they played games on the computer (which were the tests) and my son told him some things about what's going on at school.

The dr is also going to teach him a few things he can do to help with his frustrations at school (which should in theory help with the hitting issue). He has also told me that I may have to consider changing schools. I'm not opposed to it- I just don't want to do so if I don't have to.

So for me, having an expert work with my child is a good thing, it's giving both of us the tools that he needs in order to be successful in school and in life.

[kcdf]

it's nice to see that there are other parents in the world with similar issues. myself i'm at a stand still in finding the correct approach to dealing with my 6 year old. i didn't push him into kindergarten last year to allow him to mature, but it doesn't seem it's made much of a difference. while he is more or less well behaved at home school is very different story. hitting and disruptive classroom behavior seem to be the daily. i so don't want him to be kicked out of school, i fear it will only diminish his self-worth. i've gotten to a point where i almost dread the end of the school day in anticipation of the notes in the folder. i want him to do as well at school as he does at home, i know he can, i just don't know how to help him realize he can.

[kcdf]

i feel like you just described my son...and the thought of having him "EVALUATED" is almost offensive to me. i can't imagine the kind of damage it would do to him. thank you for you candor and honesty, it helps to hear it from other moms.

[JamilaF]

HVMA-Ph.D.-KDK please respond to my situation as well when you can. Is it possible that some kids will not respond well to some teacher's personality or teaching style?  

LaryJ, the part of feeling like a not so great parent is the part that really stinks for me too.  He had his best day at school today though.  

I am seriously considering a Montessori program now, thanks for that advice.

[LaryJ]

Wow ..... thank you Dr. Kennedy for the reponse.  And thanks to JamilaF and walkersd for your input as well.  I have spent a couple of hours since yesterday reading other people's posts.  Some of them are really heartbreaking, and I begin to think that our problems pale in comparison ... until my son decided to fuss for at least 90 minutes before going to sleep last night.  Pestering mom, couldn't (wouldn't) relax and get comfortable, wants to try every blanket in the house and none of them make him settle down.  I finally realized he was just playing us for attention, he was tired, and was winding down from his worst day ever at school (his worst at home day was just yesterday).  We are at the end of our rope but with the books and experienced parents and professionsals available, I'm sure we'll make it.  We must get him on the right track now ... I can't imagine dealing with this when he's a teenager. It is really nice to have this forum where we can give ideas and encourage each other. After not having these problems with our daughter, I figured we were pretty good parents.  The fact is that she never gave us much of a challenge.  My wife and I are both kind of shocked to finally realize that we need advice on how to handle our own son ... after all, he's only 5 !

Thanks again .... and good luck to all of you !

[WalkersD]

These posts make me sad. As a mother of four, 2 girls and 2 boys, I can relate to both of your fears, yet I also know that boys ARE more immature and act in very different ways than girls. If the school is having a rough time with such young childen, maybe you might consider a school that lets children learn at their own pace, such as a Montessori school. I have one of 'those boys' at school and I'll be honest with you, I refuse to get myself crazy over nonsensical behavior at school. Once, when my son was just 5, his teacher called me to tell me she had "very sad news" for me. The sad news was that my son spooned applesauce onto another boys chair and squirted his juice box at him. I didn't know whether to laugh out loud or be angry at such a stupid phone call! I asked the teacher what she would like me to do at home to remedy the situation, and she didn't have a response for me. I guess my point is that boys will be boys and they won't all fit into a school 'mold' of what they think a student should be. My son is now 10 and thriving in a school that doesn't stifle individuality. He's a well behaved, honest, loving young man. Think carefully about such stuffy environments for such young, sweet children. Just my 2 cents. Good luck!

[JamilaF]

My son has a similiar problem.  He is in Prekindergarten at a school intolerant of behavior problems.  He has been to daycare before and I never heard of him having behavior problems.  He received a "I didn't have the day I intended to have" note the second day of school.  Two weeks into school and the teacher basically told me yesterday that he is a disruptive force in the class and she describes him as a very "young" four (04/11/01).  What does "young" four mean?  He has problems following directions, as he does at home sometimes.  He talks to other kids in line and when told to go to time out he cries.  I did not think this was such odd behavior for a young one getting adapted to a more structured environment, but I get the picture he is a troublemaker and all the other kids are perfect angels.  He can write his name, count to 30, knows phonics and his alphabet.  She says he may not be developmentally ready for Pre-K though.  What is your professional opinion as to what I may do or questions I need to ask at our conference next week.  The other thing is that only the morning teacher says he has the horrible problems, the afternoon teacher says he is just fine for her.  The morning teacher said to this,"Maybe he has GREAT afternoons, but he is having ROUGH mornings."  She is not describing the child I know.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Two resources whom you might find helpful ni San Jose:

Cynthia Thomas (408-277-0514)

Charlene Canger (408-241-8140)

Hopefully a systematic plan for managing the behavior, both at school and at home, will be effective. The sort of plan I am suggesting can be found in Lynn Clark's book titled SOS: Help
for Parents.