Out of Control ALMOST 5 year old

My daughter will be 5 in two months and ever since she turned about four, or within the last 6 to 8 months she has taken a behavior turn for the worst! We can not control her at home, and her teachers at pre-school are having the same problems. At the begining of the school year ( 4 days after her first day) I started a journey of numerous surgeries and hospital stays. At that point we related her bahavior problems to the lack of schedule and me not being home hardly. and when I was I couldn't really do anything but lay in bed. A number of family members were taking care of both of my girls, becasue my husband had to work. I have been done with surgeries and back to my "mom" job since Janurary. I have also been back to work, and our daily/weekly routine has fallen back into place. No matter what we tell her and how we tell it to her she is difiant. She lies, thows fits, and just plain does not listen. We tell her to sit in one chair at the dinner table she whines becasue she wants to sit in another. We tell her to go get ready for bed, she whines because its not dark outside yet. She fights me every morning on what she is going to wear to school, so we have started picking out clothes the night before, and even doing that she still changes her mind on what she wants to wear. He lies are driving me crazy. If she does something at school she blames it on the teacher or another child. When I ask her if I need to call her teacher to ask what happend she freaks out and finally tells me thr truth. At home she blames everything on her little sister.  We have tried various way of discipline and boundaries, but she reacts to none of them. There is a long line of ADD and ADHD in my family, and I am wondering if this could be a possibility on the reasons she is acting like this, and what alternatives are there to medicine. My husband and I both are loosing our patience and feel like horrible parents becasue we can not control our child. PLEASE HELP!!

[jdtm]

There is a long line of ADD and ADHD in my family, and I am wondering if this could be a possibility --  your words

Your first step is to find out if the above is true.  Contact the school - someone there should be able to help you with "testing".  All the best ....

[RockRose]

I agree that it might be a good idea to have her tested,  but she's a bit young for that really,  and this coincided with some major upheaval in her life.

I'm really not seeing ADD or ADHD from your description.  That would look like inability to focus even for brief periods of time,  inability to sit still,  inability to follow any directions (not defiance,  forgetfulness).  I'm seeing anxiety and need to assert control.

Her schedule and home life are now back to normal,  but it can take children awhile to overcome anxiety.  

It seems there are some things that you can let go of,  and see if it helps.  For example,  if she comes to the table first and wants to pick a chair to sit in,  let her.  (normally I go for routine in that area,  but maybe she needs more choices).  I don't know when her bedtime is,  but if she's truly being asked to get ready for bed before it's dark outside,  maybe it's too early.  

Picking out clothing and then needing to re-pick in the morning because she's unhappy with it,  sounds clearly like anxiety to me.  

Best wishes.

[specialmom]

Hm.  I have a five year old.  He does some of this same stuff.  What is it with wanting to rotate chairs at the dinner table with that age?  My son is on his way to six now and he said to me last night "why do you always have to sit in THAT chair because I want to sit there sometimes at dinner . . ."  I told him I sat in that same chair because I am the one who gets up to get drinks, the ketchup, the second helping etc. for everyone at the table and it is the easiest chair to sit in for that--------- closest to the kitchen area.  He looked at me and just said "oh."  My point is, some of what you discuss here is pretty normal.  Perhaps during your illness (and I am so glad you are doing better)--------- she got into some bad habits of how to express herself and getting attention, etc. and is holding onto them.  I just tend to think more of that is going on here than add/adhd.  What happens in school would be more of an issue but you don't give us any details on that.  

So, what can you do?  Well, when a child is being stubborn and difficult-----------  first, you must always keep your cool.  Next, start using choices to help the process along.  If you want everyone to sit in a particular chair at dinner, well---------- at breakfast, ask her which chair she wants to sit in.  (not that big of a deal, right?).  But overall, give her choices often and about anything you can.  At bed time, "which jammies do you want to wear, these or these?"  " do you want to put your jammies on in your room or in my room?"  "do you want to me to help or do you want to do it yourself?"  Choices give a child the 'feeling' of control (but YOU are giving the choices, so YOU actually have the control) so they are more apt to comply.  Same goes for school----------  have her teachers give her choices. If it is circle time and they want her to sit-------- ask "do you want to sit on the floor next to Mary or do you want to pull up a chair alongside the group?"  Okay, back to bedtime--------  I also think things like this are effective with kids---------  "we'll get our jammies on and once they are on, I will read a story".  Things like this are often enticing to a child (or watch their 1/2 of tv they get a night or whatever is enticing to your daughter)-------  and as she HAS to be in her jammies to do it, she will then be more motivated to do it.  Keep night time routines as similar as possible each night. But honestly, this is a universal problem when it is still light out to not feel like going to bed . . .  

I agree with Rockrose about picking your battles.

Also, what I'd do for clothing if she changes her mind in the morning is have a back up ready and just give her those two choices.  Say------- this shirt or this shirt.  Leave plenty of time to do all of this as well . . . and one thing you can say as she turns five and is getting older is---------  if it takes too long in the morning, you'll have to get up earlier.  If you have to get up earlier, you'll have to go to bed earlier.  

I think too if she is having a lot of meltdowns, you need to help her properly express herself.  Using her words is key.  Read books on emotions to give her kid language and encourage her to just talk rather than show (crying, carrying on) her emotions.  And we have a rule here------------  my boys are allowed to have a "fit" but it has to be in their bedroom.  I walk them to their room calmly and tell them to "get it all out" and they can come out when they've calmed down.  Kind of takes the "attention" aspect of it away.

If next year in kindergarten they ask for an evaluation of your daughter, I'd go ahead and agree to it.  It never hurts to get some professional feed back on things.  good luck