Out of control 3 YO

[matklt]

We have  3 yr. old that we are having tremendous problems with for what seems like forever and a day. We are totally out of options, and are in dyer need of help and answers. He is EXTREMELY SENSITIVE AND EMOTIONAL over everything you can think of. However, he doesn't throw tantrums when he doesn't get his way, its something different.

He is CONSTANTLY crying or whining over something. NOTHING makes him happy whatever you try. You could simply ask him to pick up a toy, or sit down, etc.,and he starts to cry. Then, if its something like we are about to talk to him, because he did something wrong, he starts screaming, then we are distracted by that that we just send him to his room.

Whatever you want to do with him, or talk to him about he starts to cry and whine. Then, when he is told not to do something, we correct him, then does it over and over and over again. As I stated its not tantrums, its constant crying, and whining. We have tried talking to him, and showing him what he did wrong, and that does not work. He will just cry the entire time, and scream where he cant hear us.

He is extremely sensitive when anyone tries to play with him, like his sister, and his 10 mo brother. Noone can play with him, and have a good time, because whatever you do, he is not happy with it and starts to cry. He is very aggresvie to his sister, and very abusive. I or his father have to leave the house, because its so bad, that we cannot take it anymore. We love him dearly, but are out of options. We are saying to ourselves that he will grow out of it, then he just gets worse.

We just don't  understand how after 20 times of repeating of what to do or not to do, he still does it over and over. We have to walk on egg shells around him, we are actually afraid to talk to him, or be around him, because if we ask him something or to do something, he will cry and cry. We have tried everything to spanking to time outs, to corners, to hugging him, and explaining things to him, but nothing is working, it doesn't phase him at all.

He has brought me and my husband to tears because we don't know what else to do, we fear that its something that we are doing. We are afraid to take him anywhere, because of what will be next. I just don't believe that you can reason with a 3 yo, at least not this one. It took all that we had to post this question, because we thought we could handle it, but its putting a very big strain on my marriage, and my other children as well.

If you could help in any way it would be greatly appreciated. I look forward to hearing from you. What do we do?????

Thank you
Kristy

[gcplap]

Sounds so much like my son and our situation.  Just today he brought me to tears.  Does your son have speech delays?  Mine does.  My son is also very sensitive and also abusive to his 11 mos old sister.  It has gotten to wear other kids don't want to play with him b/c he is so aggressive with them and refuses to share.  The more we discipline the worst it gets.  Good luck - I hope you get some answers b/c we are also very frustrated with our almost three year old.  I'm going to buy the book.

[justme]

When my son was younger, he also had similar problems. Does your son snore or have allergies? have regular night terrors? other sleep problems?  Sleep problems (some are very hard for the layman to recognize as  a problem) cause the child to try to function in sleep deprivation.  In children, this translates into restlessness and ADHD/impulse symptoms (keeping themselves awake) and especially emotional lability and sensitivity. My son just couln't function; was responding inappropriately to the slightest comment; cried and whined; nothing we did was helping - we just couldn't get him to learn how to cope. As a result of the first few years dealing like this, he also had high anxieties. After doing some research and pushing for testing, we finally ruled out anything very serious and put him on an appropriate medication to regulate his sleep (clonazepam - also an anti-anxiety. bonus).  The change was apparent within 3 weeks. It is two years later and it is unbelievable what a difference it made for him.  He can interpret situations so much better, has MUCH better peer interaction, no whining, copes so much better.  We tried a trial wean off the meds of the summer (expecting him to grow out of the  sleep problem) and within 2 weeks he was sliding quickly back to where he was before as the sleep-hours deprived built up.  

While a consistant behaviour management program does provide a solid structure for the child, I would also consider pursuing other evaluations to identify possibly obstacles that are making it so difficult for your son.  

good luck

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

This sort of instability in such a young child deserves professional intervention. It is likely now, given all you have been through, that you have adopted some unhelpful responses to your son. But that's what happens when parents become frustrated and desperate. Now, it could be that this behavior falls into the category of an overly sensitive/reactive, but genrally normal child who is displaying serious but normal-spectrum behavior problem. If so, what is required is a sytematic program of behavior management. Even though you have attempted many things, you are not approaching your son in a consistent, systematic way. For help on this front, consult Lynn Clark's book titled SOS: Help for Parents. It will guide you in a straightforward, common-sense manner. I entirely endorse the methods you will find in this book - they are simple and effective. It would be prudent, too, to have your son evaluated by a pediatric menatl health clinician. It is possble that you are witnessing early signs of a mood disorder, and it's important to be thorough in your consideration of possibilities.

[nurse12hr]

That book sounds like it would be an ideal first step for your family; I hope you read it.

Good luck; I feel for you (having had a very difficult to raise child myself).  You have my prayers.

[matklt]

First of all, thank you doctor, I think you had some great ideas, and I will try them all. And for everyone else, thank you so much for your comments, it really feels good to hear that I am not alone. I was afraid whoever read that, would think I was just lazy, and didn't want to deal with my son, and that I was a terrible mother. Thank all of you. I will try everything you guys suggested. Thanks, and God Bless.

Kristy

[lmroswell]

Do you think he might be jealous of his little brother?  The only thing I can think of is, even though it is tough dealing with this on a daily basis, is to stick it out, be consistent with him, and reward him for his good behavior.  I wish I had more insight, but I am sure the good doctor will be of help.

[wpouey91]

I have always thought that the "terrible twos" got a bad rap.  Three year olds are much harder to handle.  I understand your grief. Have you had him checked for sensory testing?  He will most likely grow out of it...I'll be thinking about you.