PLEASE HELP!!!!!

I AM DIVORCED FROM MY 12YR. OLD SON'S DAD SINCE HE WAS 5. IT WAS A VERY NASTY DIVORCE AND CHILD CUSTODY BATTLE AND HE WON. HE ONLY WON B/C EVERYTHING WAS A LIE, HE HAD THE $$ TO PAY A GOOD ATTORNEY AND I DID NOT. THE PICTURE THAT WAS PAINTED WAS COMPLETELY WRONG. MY EX'S LAWYER ENDED UP DROPPING HIM AFTER THE DIVORCE AND ACTUALLY TOLD ME(WHEN I WAS AT MY CHIL'S PSYCHOLOGISTS OFFICE) THAT IF HE HAD KNOWN WHAT KIND OF PERSON MY EX WAS AT THE TIME, HE WOULD HAVE NEVER HELPED HIM TAKE MY SON FROM ME. THE CHILD SYCHOLOGIST SAID THE SAME AND EVEN SAID SHE WAS AFRAID OF MY EX, BUT THAT THEY WOULD DENY WHAT THEY JUST SAID IF I TOLD ANYONE. THEY TOLD ME THEY WOULD HELP ME IF I CONTINUED TO BRING MY SON TO HER BUT I COULD NOT AFFORD HER FEES. I DID EVENTUALLY GET ANOTHER ATTORNEY FOR 1 MORE HEARING, BUT I DIDNT GET A WHOLE LOT MORE TIME WITH MY SON.THERES ALOT MORE TO THIS STORY BUT THATS THE BASICS.

THE ISSUE NOW IS THAT I ONLY SEE MY SON EVERY OTHER WEEKEND AND SUMMERS, HOLIDAYS ETC.HIS DAD USED HIM TO GET BACK AT ME AND HAS SEVERLY MESSED UP MY SON, MY SON WILL NOT SHOW AFFECTION TOWARD ME, I AM THE BAD GUY(MOM) AND HAS PRETTY MUCH BEEN TAUGHT TO HATE HIS MOTHER. I REALIZE HE HAS TO LIVE WITH HIS DAD MOST OF THE TIME SO HES GOING TO TRY TO PLEASE HIS DAD BUT I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO HANDLE CERTAIN SITUATIONS. LIKE RIGHT NOW, HES HERE FOR 1 WEEK THEN GOES BACK FOR A WEEK, THEN COMES BACK FOR 3MORE WEEKS. WHEN HE DOESNT GET SOMETHING HE WANTS, OR GETS BORED, HE CRIES AND SAYS HE WANTS TO GO BACK TO HIS DAD'S. I TOLD HIM HE HAS TO LEARN TO BE WITH HIS FAMILY (ME, HIS 5YR OLD HALF SIS, HIS GRANDMA AND GRANPA) AND WHE I SAID YOUR FAMILY, HE SAID,"YA, MY DAD" TRYING TO HURT ME AS IF ONLY HIS DAD IS HIS FAMILY. MY MOM SAYS NOT TO ALLOW HIM TO ABUSE ME AND WALK ALL OVER ME, AND TO TELL HIM HE CAN GO BACK TO HIS DAD BUT SINCE HE DOESNT FEEL WERE HIS FAMILY, HE CAN STAY THERE AND NOT COME BACK. HE ALWAYS DISRESPECTS ME AND EVEN WHEN ON PHONE WITH ME, IF HIS DADS THERE, HE'LL SAY, CAN I GO NOW? BUT IF HES ON PHONE WITH HIS DAD WHILE HES HERE AND I SAY SOMETHING, LIKE C'MON YA WANA DO THIS OR THAT, HE'LL SAY, NO, IDONT WANT TO , I WANA TALK TO MY DAD.HIS DAD IS ONLY SUPPOSE TO CALL TWICE IN A WEEK FOR 10MINN. AT A TIME WHILE HES HERE.SO MY ? RIGHT NOW IS, DO I TELL HIM WHAT MY MOM SAID OR DO I TELL HIM NO HE MUST STAY AND JUST IGNORE THE BEHAVIOR? WE HAD A DAY PLANNED TOGETHER TODAY SINCE ITS THE WEEKEND. THIS HAPPENED LAST NIGHT, AND TODAY HE SEEMS BETTER AND WE HAVENT SAID ANYTHING ELSE.THANKS FOR THE ADVICE IN ADVANCE.

[bbxx]

Sorry to hear things are so difficult. Honestly, the best thing you can do, is love him.
Dont put your ex down or talk about him or ask questions about him. Your ex is OFF limits.
Dont tell your son you are his family .Simply tell him you love him.
Dont expect your son to give anything, because this makes him feel stuck in the middle.
Your job will be to just love him and give normally as you do all your children.
If he does not want to call you or talk to you, tell him you understand and he does not have to, but that you will always love him, and if he ever changes his mind, you will always be there.

[itsnuckuponme]

That's certainly logical, good advice bbxx but at the same time, I want to have a relationship again wiht my now 12yr old son. I was the sole caretaker, teacher, soccer mom, everything to my son up until he was 5 1/2. His dad was a workaholic and still is, so he barely even had any interaction with him his entire life and even during the divorce, my (oh ya, best friend), lol, (thats a whole other story) moved in with them and her son whos same age as my son(they were best friends too and forced to be brothers) so she took over my role. Now shes gone, and my son is home alone most of the time at his dads.The 2 of them came up with these elaborate lies to take my son from me. When i had told my ex that I wanted to leave him(b/c he began to get violent) and wouldnt go to counseling for over 1 yr, he told me you leave me and youll get nothing and i will take your son! and he did! None of my side ever came out at the divorce hearings, not about his violence, not about what he said, not about the fact that he wouldnt help out with raising our son, none of it, his lawyer, my sons pshycologist, even another lawyer told me that the lawyer i had was a complete joke, and he was! When the judge asked him if i was seeking spousal maintenance, he said no she has a 6 figure real estate business. When we got out of court, I said why did you say I made 6 figures and im a realtor? He said, b/c you are right? I said no, I dont even have a job! what are you talkng about? He said well thats what ONLY $1000 gets ya and laughed. If anyone that knew me heard this divorce hearing, they wouldve been like who are they talking about? this isnt her, they have her confused with someone else. It was outrageous, I even wrote the judge a letter, and had the court put it in his mailbox, but i never got a response. A few yrs. later, I got another lawyer, we went to court, and I did get more time, like in the summer, and some other things were tweeked but they made me out to be this monster who was on drugs, a floozy, and more, even tho I did a hair folicle test to disprove the accusations, altho now, i do have an addiction to my prescribed pain meds, but never had taken any drugs at the time, and b/c I had already met someone else, they just flat out lied and lied to the point that anyone who read the transcripts, figured ,(when I told them its all lies) alot of it was probably true but maybe they exaggerated a little and told me that I would have to have a good, stable job, do everything as ordered, etc. in order to even attempt to get my son back.The judge really gave it to me good b/c of all he heard and i got nothing! The house, the cars, the $$, my SON, no spousal maintenance, which the 2nd lawyer asked for, and i was ordered to pay child support. I havent paid him a dime, and thats 1 of the things Im worried about if I am able to go back to court, the judge will think I dont follow judges orders either, but EVERYTHING WAS A LIE!! My ex hid our business, I mean, I cant even believe what he got away with. I know his family helped him with paying for all of it, they had just inherited alot of $$ and my family didnt have it to give to me. His lawyer had a reputation in our town, come to find out. Like I said in my last post tho, I had gone to my childs pshychologist, b/c she testified in court a bunch of things that she said my son said which wasnt true. It seemed as tho he paid her off to say these things, and all she said was, I wish you wouldve come to me sooner, if id have known who your ex really was at the time, and had met you, I wouldnt have helped him take your son away. She said, my ex's lawyer dropped my ex as a client b/c he hated him and realized what kind of person he was and even said he wished hed never helped him take his son from his mother. She also said, she was afraid of my ex and was the kind of person who would come into her office shooting(thats how she felt about him), and called my ex's lawyer in my presence, and said, I have so and so here, didnt you drop her ex and didnt you say you wished you wouldnt have helped him, he said yes I did and they both said, but you cannot tell anyone we said this or we will deny it. She said, I will help you get your son back and I will testify for you in court when you go back, if you keep bringing your son here. My ex didnt bring my son there to help him, he brought him there to help take him away from me. He really messed my son up, and now my son is so brainwashed that he has put up a wall to me and he will not let me in. I am the bad guy, he use to say things like, why did you do this and that, things that didnt really happen, but were said in court and the only way he couldve heard that is from his dad and my ex best friend either telling him directly, or talking in front of him so that he would hear to turn my son against me and thats exactly where it stands now so being with me is just something he has to do. My ex has no friends, all his family live out of state, so its just he and my son, and my ex works day and night, so my son is home alone all the time. My ex even told me, now that we are civil and he thinks Im ok with everything, that my ex bestfriend moved out, and he said, its not like i was gona marry her, I just needed her for .....(my son) but now that hes older, I dont need her anymore. He actually admitted that to me back when she left.

[itsnuckuponme]

My ex best friend and I and our sons did everything together everyday, and just after I told her I was leaving my ex, she started telling me things he would say when she saw him at my sons school, eventually(not long) after, she saw an opportunity to prey on a man who needed a rebound and a shoulder and help with our son b/c he didnt have a clue how to handle a child, he was never there when we were together, and she hated the man she was married to, but had told me that she was afraid to be on her own and wouldnt be able to afford it, so instead of supporting her best friend, she preyed on him andhe fell right into it.She actuall lied on the stand in court, right in front of me, and said, I cheated on my ex before, and I was abusive to my son. I yelled out, but almost got arrested for contempt, I had to sit there and listen to my bestfriend lying to help my ex take my son from me, I never knew she was capable of something like this and it was hurtful and now I know I cant trust anyone. We had a few shouting matches after that, and she would smirk, she was pure evil.

We've been divorced now for 6 yrs. and its been 4 yrs. since I went back to court(and had the same judge), even if I could afford an attorney now, my son is going ot be 13yrs old in december, so hes old enough for the court to ask him where he wants to live, or even ask if hed like to be with his mom more, and my son is so brainwashed and hateful to me b/c of all his dad has said and has turned him against me, that I dont think my son would say he wanted to spend more time with me, he wouldnt want to go against his dad. It's so sad to see how he is being raised. I taught him at an early age, his manners, how to pick up after himself, many things, I even had to teach him how to stand at the potty b/c his dad had told me no, im not going to use the bathroom in front of him. He was never involved at all in his life, my son had never even been in my ex's truck up until I left him. He would say no, Im not taking him to the store with me, he had never gone anywhere alone with my som, ever! My ex always refused social gatherings, birthday parties, etc. He would say, I dont like those people. So me and my son would go without him, and all of the other husbands would always ask where he was, they met him once or twice, and all he did was whisper to me, lets go, lets go. He even said he didnt like my ex best friend and her husband, and we went to their home for dinner once, and my ex told me, dont ever ask me to go there again. My son and I had a group of friends with kids his age, and we all became very close and did activities together daily. My best friend was not part of that group of friends, but when she and I met, we became very close and seemed alot alike and our sons became best friends, so I didnt spend as much time with the group anymore but I still took my son to their b-day parties and such, just didnt do the daily outings as I use to b/c I was spending alot of time with my ex friend, who became my very best friend. My friends said that my ex husband was an anti-social, which he was. Anyway, lost my trainof thought there for a minute, my son no longer has manners, no please and thank you, none of it, he throws his clothes around the house, leaves his food, plates, cups, garbage sititng around, he doesnt make his bed,etc. He was making his own bed at the age of 5. He was even putting his clothes in the hamper at that age, I taught him well, and i was an exceptional mother, all my friends would even say so. They called me superwoman, b/c I would do all the activities during the day, be home at 5pm to make dinner every night, and had it on the table for when my ex would get home from work(when he worked late, I would have it made and just reheat it), he didnt allow us to eat fast food, frozen food or canned food, I made everthing fresh and pretty much had 3 course dinners every night, my house was spottless, and my son was bathed and in bed by 7pm every single night, so alot of the time, my ex wouldnt even see my son until the weekend b/c he would leave for work by 6am.My friends all knew I would have to leave wherever we were by a certain time to go home to start dinner. We had animals such as dogs, birds, gineau pig, and my ex hated animals, so there were times when hed be mean to them and even kicked the dog when he peed on the floor, so I kept the cages very clean and kept up the house on a daily basis.Every morning I would clean and mop. I was a fantastic mother, and housewife and none of that was ever heard in court.

[itsnuckuponme]

In court, it was made to appear as though I was a bad mother and wife who abused my son and went out cheating on my husband, and did drugs(which I did disprove), the hair folicle test supposedly shows up to 6mos. of drug use I believe. It was my ex who began to take pills for his back and was running out early and becoming violent. At that time, I didnt put 2 and 2 together, that it was drugs that was becoming an issue with him, and never had taken meds. myself, I was very nieve about it. Ironically, I ended up taking a pain med. for my back a year or so later, and now have become dependant on them(which is another issue) but my ex had had a drug problem in his early 20's before we met, and had lived at a 2yr program center, he was told by the counselors that he was a very rigid person, and had an addictive personality and that he could never drink alcohol or do any drugs for the rest of his life, so he was hiding the drugs he was taking from his family(which was easy to do b/c they live out of state) b/c he knew they would be disappointed in him after all he put them thru. The fact that he had a drug problem and was this kind of person was never mentioned in court, nor anything bad about him ever came out, he was made to seem like a perfect person, dad and husband, and when i asked my lawyer to please tell the court this and that, he had said, no that would make it look like youre playing *** for tat kind of thing, so only bad was said about me, never sayin what a good mother and wife I was, and he was made to be the perfect person.It was completely backwards.

Im sure there is a lot of lying in other nasty divorces, but alot of their lies werent even half truths, and I had an attorney who seemed as tho he was mad b/c I only paid him $1000 and he wanted more before trial began, so he winged it, and didnt even know my occupation or anything, and never countered and asked me about the things my ex was sayin so I could have a chance to defend myself, he was a complete joke, and should have his license revoked, he didnt even come after me for the remainder of the $$ b/c he knew what he did to me, and even the child pyschologist and my ex's lawyer on the phone said so. My ex used my son to get back at me for leaving him, he doesnt really care what hes done to our child, hes a very selfish person and sees my son as just another posession. Attorneys are so expensive, but i so wish I could get someone to tell my story to a judge, I can prove so many of their lies. None of what my ex did ever came out, none of who he really is ever came out, it was a complete injustice and I and my son suffer for it.

If there are any professionals here, I would appreciate any suggestions that you may have to help me and my son. We are broken b/c of my ex's hatred and being vendictive. It feels goos to type all of this and tell someone what happened to us, I think about typing a very long letter to the judge, even now, to tell him all that he heard was wrong. I did write him a letter once as I said, but it wasnt detailed enough and I didnt tell him all that I have typed here, but I know it doesnt work that way, but I want him to know that his orders have ruined lives. My ex sticks to only the court orders, and its all in his favor, so summers, I get exactly 21 days b/c my son goes to a year round school, I have to pick my son up and drive him back every other weekend, and whenever Im suppose to have time with him, which is 45min. away, he doesnt have to do any driving or picking up. He sticks to it completely and doesnt give me any extra time, even in the court order, it says and any other time that we agree upon, but they didnt know him, he will stick to it until my son is an adult, but he does go against the orders himself, im suppose to have first pick for summer vacation, and he has to work around that for any vacation plans, thats about the only thing that I got in my favor, but my ex will tell me every summer that they are going to visit his family on so and so dates, so you have these weeks to choose from. I dont want to cause a problem and say ,no, you cant go then, I get first pick(out of spite) especially if I have no plans to go anywhere, so its no big deal what weeks he comes, but if it were him, hed tell me , no, just out of spite, and say read the order, it says I get first pick, so you better change your plans. He does this to me every summer, and then ends up not going. He said it again this summer, and is suppose to go the last 2 weeks before school starts again, so we'll see if he actually goes this time. He never goes anywhere, and we never took vacation the whole 12 yrs. that we were together. He'll disappoint my son by saying hes going to take him to sea world, etc. and then not go. He can care less how my son feels and my son is use to it. Ive lost my child physically and emotionally and its so unfair, and being raised by a person like my ex is such a shame.

Thanks to anyone listening.

[margypops]

I have read through your posts and I am sorry ,it is hard there is no doubt for all concerned when parents divorce ..and usually the child suffers worst .My feeling and opinion is that when you have your boy you make sure that you are doing 'stuff' with him treats, having a good time .as bb said lessen any talk about his other life , he is with you so concentrate on that, make his time with you count ,having fun..has he a step dad  maybe he could play games , soccer, baseball , board games are fun and 5 year old's can play .It is summer time are you near a beach ,have you a pool or a community one ,make an effort to make him feel good and happy when he comes to you, then trust me he will look forward to visiting ..good luck