PLEASE help console my daughter......

[jrwath]

My daughter 11 year old Lydia  was giving our 4 year old yorkie Molly, a bath and Molly was standing up in the back with her paws on the side while she was adjusting the temp. she was also messing with the shampoo bottle under the faucet. We are not sure but she must have slid down and possibly swallowed water. Lydia has never given her a bath in the tub before so I,m not sure she knew how much water. When Lydia turned back around she said she was floating! My husband did mouth to mouth for 10 Min. but could not revive her. I have never been so sick in my whole life! She was like one of my children. I have no idea how to console Lydia!  I recieved the phone call while I was about 2 hours away. She just kept screaming I killed her! I killed Her! I want her back! Take me out of dance, Mom take me out of dance! It doesn't help that out of anger my husband was screaming at her that she killed Molly, and how irresponsible she is.... * He has since talked to her, and we are trying to tell her it was an accident but it is very hard for all of us to deal with. I guess she thinks she needs punished. I hate to think she has to live with this the rest of her life =(
She slept in our room last night because she was scared to sleep in hers. Today I call the school counsler who is a friend and she is going to talk to her. Please guide me on how to console Lydia. I don't want her to feel like this but I don't know how to help her. She also has a older sister that blames her. Last night we each recieved a letter from Lydia. Mine said: Dear Mom,I am sorry that I killed Mollyand I know that you are sad I am sad too, so you can do any kind of stuff to me but I will always love you and Molly. From: Lydia
My husbands said: Dear Dad, I am very very very sorry that i killed Molly and I am sad just like you. I am very very mad that I killed her. Sorry Dad I didn't mean to sorry. Love Lydia
The one she wrote to her sister was similar but said I know you won't like me anymore........
Please tell me she will be OK in time.........                      Thanks, Jeana

[jrwath]

Thank you for all of the encouraging words. I think you all have great advice and we have and will continue, to make sure that my daughter knows we love her and do not blame her. It is tough but we are are making it. We are still letting her sleep in our room for now. I want to hold her and never let go. I just want her to be alright emotionally. I aches for her every minute of the day. Today was my first day back to work, her second day back to school. I think getting back into a normal routine will help. We will get another dog at some point, we do not know life without an inside dog. She meant the world to our family. Dad is dealing with it better, they have talked and he has apologized and continues to reassure her that he loves her and that accidents happen. He really is an awesome father and has been since day one.  
                                                  Thanks again,  

[blessedmomof3]

When my niece was just 4 her cat had kittens. My sis was in the house and she was outside playing w/ the kittens. She put them all in a basket and swung it around. When she looked in she realised they were all not moving. My sis walked out to find her trying to give one of the kittens mouth to mouth if you can believe it. She was devistated!!! They burried all the kittens in a nice spot my niece picked out and she still goes there to talk to them and opoligise to them. This happened last summer and it still effects her. She kept telling her mom to take all her toys away. But she does know it was an accident now. You need to remind your daughter that she had no intention of harming the dog and remind her of the good times she had w/ the dog. Remind her how much she loved that dog and how much the dog loved her. Let her do nice things for her, like what was mentioned before, wright a poem. Let her know she now has a gaurdian angel that will watch over her and keep her safe, and never wants to see her upset or blame herself. Also, I think your husband should take her on a special day w/ daddy to show he still loves her and does not blame her. Maybe they can go to dinner and see a movie she wants to see. AS for the older daughter, maybe there is something they can do together. Find them a project to do, like crafts or something to get them talking. I hope time will ease this pain, but I know it will be hard.

[margypops]

In all this perhaps Dad should not have allowed his daughter to bathe the dog, the post said she had never done it before in the Bath, and with a tap of hot water, ,why let a dog be subjected to something it didnt know in the first place. Dad should take the Blame .Poor little dog what ever happened hes the one Dead.

[tiredmum1969]

Hi jr Sorry to hear about your loss and your daughter. When i was a little younger than Lydia i took home the school budgie for the weekend and it died i had to return to school the following monday with an empty cage, it felt like my world was going to end and the guilt i felt was out of this world, i had a really hard time from some of the other kids at school who taunted me for along time and called me a murderer (kids can be so cruel) It took me some time to come to terms with what had happened but with alot of tlc from both my parents i eventually started to forget, you really need to keep letting her know that nobody blames her and the only way she wll believe that is if you all mean it, you really need to try and speak to her sister and explain to her that it could've been anyone of you bathing the dog that day and none of you would have wanted molly to drown but it could happen to anyone at any time when your older daughter can forgive lydia then lydia may start to forgive herself, you also need to keep your emotions as far as grieving as far from lydia as possible because if she sees that you are all still upset about this she will keep on feeling guilty. You will all come through this and so will lydia but you need to move on from this as quickly as possible its amazing how quickly a child can move on and forget, another dog or pet of some sort would definately help the healing process and  help Lydia feel that you can stll trust her with a pet, i wish you all the best and hope that you can all try to put this behind you and move on for all your sakes.

[RockRose]

Thanks,  April,  I think I stated that in my last post.

[April2]

RockRose, I think you may have jumped the gun here and assumed something was amiss. This poor woman and her family are obviously grieving and are asking for help. Please be a bit more sensitive to that.
Jr, I'm so sorry you're family is going through such a terrible tragedy. How awful for all of you. It's important that you keep reassuring your daughter that you don't blame her, that you know it was an accident and that you love her no matter what. Unfortunately, things happen. Even babies have drowned in bathtubs because the mother turned their back for a minute.
It's going to take time for your daughter to get over this. It's a big shock. You might even want to get her some counseling for awhile to help her get through this. Just keep the communications open. Talk to her, and each other.
And maybe, somewhere down the line, you all can consider getting another dog. I wouldn't do it just yet. But you do have to show her that you can trust her again. She needs to know that.
I'm so sorry about all of this. I will keep your family in my prayers. I pray you all will be able to get through this and find peace. God bless.
April

[RockRose]

I think somehow,  the answer here is for him to help heal her.    Honestly,  yes,  we've all made mistakes but I've not done what your husband did,  and I don't think you probably ever have either.   It sounds like he's grieving from his behavior.

Your story is so painful to read.  I think your husband and she should maybe sit down and write a letter to Molly,  and bury it with her or if you don't have a burial site,  then have some kind of an area in the garden for her.  Lydia could say I'm sorry I wasn't watching when I made your bath but I really wanted to give you a nice bubble bath that you would like,  and your husband could say I'm sorry I wasn't watching but I'm really sorry that I blamed Lydia.  And we'll see you in Heaven.  And then seal it,  and bury it.

And then,  the two of them could do some kind of project together - volunteer at the shelter,  build a dog house together and donate it to the shelter,  something to benefit dogs in the name of Molly.  

She needs to be forgiven by him,  and she needs to feel like she's given back.  And then print off the "Rainbow Bridge" story for her,  and tell her Molly will be waiting with a wagging tail for her when she is an old lady in heaven.

[jrwath]

My husband was scared and upset, he did mouth to mouth on the dog for 10 minutes and feels like he failed Molly he isn't sleeping and feels terrible. He has since apologized to Lydia and told her that accidents happen every day. We both work in healthcare so we are very aware of that.  We love her and he said those things in the heat of the moment without thinking first. He blames himself also for not monitoring how much water or letting her give her a bath in the tub when she had never done it before. Have you ever said or done anything without thinking. We all have!

[RockRose]

Jr,  I'm sorry that  I assumed that your husband had some reason to scream at her that she killed the dog.

You never said in your prior posts that you had given her the chance to admit responsibility - it sounded like you immediately assumed and stated it was an accident.

I'm out of this thread,  I'm not here to cause a lot of pain,  just open questions.  I'm concerned about your husband's reaction - truly,  how cruel.  

[jrwath]

Thank you,
   We are Christians, and we prayed together about it last night. Please pray that our family can overcome this tragedy.  Thanks again Suzi-q, people like you are the reason we turned somewhere for help. I hope you continue to be present on this board to balance the cruelness of others.
                                                         Thanks, Jeana

[suzi-q]

I am so sorry what you are going through and your daughter.  I know how a pet is one of the family.  I do not know your religious affiliation, but possibly explaining that it was God's will and that Molly is in heaven now.  It will take a very long time for her to get over this.  First of all, your husband and other daughter must tell her that they forgive her and let her know that they know she would never do anything to hurt Molly.  The hard part is for your daughter to forgive herself.  Just explain that accidents happen and that is just what it was, an accident.  Nothing was intentional.  I think it was great of your to call the school counselor and depending on your daughter's ability to forgive herself, more psychological counseling may be necessary...Please hang in there and keep us posted.


To Rock Rose:

Once again your social graces exceed you......your harsh words are very hurtful.

Suzi.

[jrwath]

        I have given her that chance and have asked her privately and the answers have not changed. The only thing that has changed is the fact that we have tried to tell her that accidents happen, and you suggest we keep trying to ask her what really happened and I'm certain she is questioning our love for her etc.. I'm not being defensive. I posted on this site for help and I have obviously posted on the wrong board. She knows the dog is dead because she wasn't paying close attention, is that not punishment ENOUGH. I do not have to explain myself, WE are greiving, and YOU are acusing. You have definately not helped me console my child! I hope you are not giving advice on this board regularly. I pray that you never have to deal with what we or are child is going through right now.

*  Now if their is anyone out there that has suggestions on how to help my daughter and our family, please post.
                                                   Jeana

[RockRose]

No, you haven't failed as parents.  I know you're feeling very defensive about this.

I think she wants to tell you something.  

The story doesn't sound all the way clear,  even though you love your daughter and you loved your dog,  and you want to believe she couldn't have done something that caused harm.  

She keeps telling you she did it.  I'd at least give her the chance in  private to say what she did,  if anything.  

[jrwath]

     She only said she killed the dog AFTER her dad was screaming at her that she killed the dog. The damage was done after my husband spoke those words! We are trying to tell her that accidents happen. I don't know if you comprehend how small a 2lb 8oz yorkie is. The water was soapy and the water was running, which is loud. If molly slipped under she could have very easily not heard her. One swallow of water in the lungs of a dog that small can kill her. She has only bathed molly in the sink with help and never in the tub. You may as well say we purposely killed our dog, because we let her give her a bath when she had no idea how much water it takes or the temperature. We have totally failed as parents.

[RockRose]

I'm not trying to rub salt into any wounds,  JR.  Your daughter is obviously hurting terribly,  and is saying outright that she killed the dog.  In this case,  I think you need to be open to hearing that maybe she's admitting that she did something mean and now the dog is dead.  Children that age sometimes do things just to be a little mean, and it ends horribly - against the true intent of the child.  

I think you should allow her to say that,  if that's what happened.  It seems highly unlikely that the dog silently slipped under the water and died in seconds without any splashing or thrashing that attracted her attention.

If I were her mother,  I'd say in private that you know how much she  misses the dog and blames herself,  and was there something else that happened in the tub she wants to talk about.  

That's not salt in the wound.  That's reality.  She's clearly feeling guilt - which is surprising in a child who simply averted her eyes and the dog died.  

I wish you well.

[jrwath]

RockRose,
     I honestly don't think that is what happened. You are entitled to your opinion, but the reason I posted on this board was to console my hurting daughter not accuse her. Molly was only 2lbs and 8oz. full grown. She has never bitten or snapped.  Please stick to the topic, not rub salt in the wound.

                                

[RockRose]

jr,  as hard as this is,  I think you need to be open to the possibility that Lydia purposely killed the yorkie.  Or at least,  out of frustration with something the dog was doing,  held her underwater for so long that the yorkie actually died.  I think this is why she is so very upset,  and so apologetic.  

The scenario you describe is very unlikely.  And children often do mean things to pets even though they love them - they just have a moment of meanness and sometimes it ends very badly.  

[blessedmomof3]

This is so heart breaking. I can't even imagine what your family must be going through. The important thing is to keep reasuring Lydia (love the name) that you still love her and that it was not her fault. Your husband has alot of work to do, like Dr Phil says "It takes about 50 Atta Boys to erase 1 you're bad" As for the older sis, you need to do alot of talking to her and let her express her pain, but also make her understand that this was an accident and Lydia never meant to do harm. She needs to believe that she is not at fault, and that no one blames her. Good Luck, and I am so sorry for your loss.