Parenting a 9 year old?

My boyfriend has a nine year old son, divorced his ex when the son was about four. Mom lives in a different state and basically has him during the school year. We get Austin when there are breaks. Over this last summer I babysat him a majority of the time and learned that my boyfriend provided him with little structure, wasn't much of a parent, more like a friend who bought him everything that was desired. I was raised by a very militant father who expected things to be done the first time we were asked, not the fifth. Respect was demanded of us. I never really realized how much I took from my upbringing until Austin was reluctant to do what I asked even by the fourth or fifth time. He cannot entertain himself and has way too many toys-more than what he knows to do with them. He knows he will get whatever he wants from his dad and plays it to the max. I told my boyfriend our relationship would not survive unless things dramatically changed and luckily he agreed that things need to be modified. But now he wants me to call the shots, because he "doesn't catch" the disrespect. I feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I need help! Also, Austin is on medication for ADD. People around him have allowed him to use his "condition" as an excuse for his misbehavior, so much that when I asked him why he wasn't listening to me he blamed his ADD. Not acceptable in book. Please lend me some advice!

[RockRose]

I think you should follow up on your relationship not "surviving" as you threatened.

You benefitted from being raised by a dedicated two parent family that was dedicated to providing a stable home life.  As I did also,  I was raised in a military family with a very very solid,  stable lifestyle.  

This child has not had that.  He's getting second best,  parents who are trying to express their love for him while he is struggling terribly from coming from a broken family.  

It might be time for you to move on,  if you can't be supportive of him and stop demanding that he behave as you did,  with your stable family.  

[margypops]

What does your BF have to say regarding how you feel ?It may be time to call it quits I doubt this child is going to meet your requirements ,maybe a good thing to find someone with out any prior children ..

[allmymarbles]

The boy was apparently brought up permissively and is rather spoiled. As a potential stepmother there is not much you can do, although I point out that a military atmosphere is not the ideal you picture and I for one would have gone hog wild.

It might be wise to separate from your boyfriend. Down the road he would be forced to choose between you and his son. You know the answer to that one.

[Krlong6]

My boyfriend has agreed that changes need to be made, and I ended up discussing how I was ready to let go of this relationship if it meant he was making changes that he didn't whole-heartedly agree with. The last thing I want is for either one of them to resent me or one another.
Surprisingly that night he went out and bought a whiteboard and other various things that we can use to set up structure for his son while he's with us. (Whiteboard for chores and daily responsibilities.) I'm proud, we just got his son back this week for Thanksgiving and the first thing my boyfriend did was take us out to lunch to have a discussion about how things were going to change now that his son is older and capable of small responsibilities. I actually think his son was excited, he was cool with everything and actually seemed kind of excited to have a "spot" to with together with us in the household. At home with mom, they just found out that she's expecting with her new husband, not to mention her new husband has brought three kids from a previous marriage... I think my boyfriend's son is feeling overwhelmed in that household... So getting one on one time and attention with us seems to really be something that he's craving now.
I'm feeling very optimistic about this... Only time will tell. :)

[margypops]

Thats good Optimism is the way to go and I expect you will also be making a big effort...good luck to you