Please help! My step daughter won't stop lying on me!

[momof00012]

I need some advise, I have 12 children total, 4 are biological,1 from a previous  marriage that I rasied untill she was 20, and my current husband has 7 . Three of his 7 we have joint custody of.

  The issues that are the biggest for our  family is that my two step daughters keep going to there mom and telling lies on me of things that are of no truth or they are totaly off base.
Over the past two weeks she has told her mother that two weeks ago that I pulled her shirt so hard I choked her then told her that I said that her mother needs to buy her cloths that fit her ....I'm sure to get her mom mad at me some more to gain her approval for whatever reason I'm always the one she lashes out at...
.What really happend was we were at a wedding reharsal which my husband was in and I asked the children to please, help clean up in the kitchen of the hall so that when everything was done the bride and groom would not have to clean up the mess on such a special day.
When I asked the kids to help I got the oh do we have to and I told them that we were helping them more by cleaning all I asked them to do was wipe tables down... The oldest of my husbands got a very bad attitutude and said that she didn't want to help, I informed her it was not an option and that if we all pitched in we could go and watch the rest of the rehursal she gave me the I HATE YOU look! I did grap her by the arm and told her Kassie, I love you but, you are no different then any  of the other kids you are going to help and she stomped out of the room and wipped off some tables .
She went home to her moms today and told her that I said that she was stealing games from our home. all of which is no true which resulted in her and my husband having yet another argument on the phone which got nowhere!
What was said was that I wanted all of the kids to bring the games to me that one of them were missing and they all needed to find it which included ALL of the kids not just a few...
I suggested having the girls, mom ,dad and I sit down in the room together and confronting the girls about it but, my husband seems to think that won't work either as his ex beleives the girls and doesn't listen to anything he says and does this thing where she tells him that she doesn't know why she even tells him anything that he won't do anything about it!

Of couse he will but, it will lead to yet another confersation to the girls about lying and what kind of havic it causes when they lie. And mom tells my husband today that if things don't change the kids don't want to come over anymore....
This is like saying well we are the kids and we are gonna lie and get away with it and if you don't let us do what we want then we just wont come anymore.

I love all the kids, and I don't want them to be unhappy but, they also need to have rules and boundries it doesn't make me mad that they tell there mom these thing about me as much as it really hurts my feelings that they put me down in this way makes me feel like all the fun loving times are just wasted time. but, then I have to remember that all step kids do this at one time or another but this has been going on for 5 years. and now the things they are saying are not only hurtful to me but, could be turned into a abuse or neglect situation if there mom goes that route and decides to call authorities... I know haven't done anything wrong but, if they keep lying to win there mom affection in this way it scares me of what they might say next.
Any sugestions??

[margypops]

I think it would be a good idea to let their Father do the disciplining and telling them what to do ,that lets you out , and you wont be in trouble. Take a step back, learn to stay out of it at least for a while.ask him to tell them to clean up and any other things they should do to help, does the rest of the Family help aswell?

[momof00012]

Yes, all the kids were helping, and if  you are asking if only his was asked to do anything this is not the way it is at all. And the only issues is that I can't take a step back for the fact that we have joint custody of them and I am there alot of the times when he is not so you see I raise them too. And as far as punishment goes, I never spank them or ground them .  I do talk to there dad about this first and he tells them whatever he is going to do but, when I am there and they are out of line I do them no different then the other children in the home. And if that means time out or they  need to be talked to then I do .We are a family we don't single anyone child out!  mine or his they are both our responsibility and walking away doesn't solve the fact that there is some sort of underlined issues as to why they are doing this.

[91004]

Have you tried all sitting down you, the mother, and the father with the children. The girls are obviously playing the mother, they don't like what you are making them do, such as rules, chores so they are putting a stop to it by telling their mother lies you cant stop it until the mother stops believing them. Until that happens then I don't think there is alot you can do but to just let the dad do all the punishing for awhile just to prove a point to the mother. Which I understand your point to treat the kids equal but I think its come down to do it or the kids arent going to come over.

[momof00012]

Yes, I asked my husband to confront the children with their mother in the room as well as he and I but, he says that it won't work because the kids mother won't do it or that she will still side with the children which will end up in a fight in front of the kids which I do not want that is not healthy for the kids.  My husband and I are  very involved in the kids lives and we do have joint custody so telling them they can't come home is not an option. And you are right they are playing there mom but, how do I get her to see that?

[momof00012]

Just a note to let you know tmy husband called to talk to his daughters to let them know that he was taking there phones away until they could respect us and not lie to us or about us. He also confronted his daughter about the issues and she says she didn't tell her mother about the incident about the stealling issues and he told her that he knew she was lying and would not tollerate it and then called her mother and tried to tell her what was going on and she got very irate and wanted to know why his daughter was upset crying, he tried to tell her that he told her that he took the phone she got mad at him and told him that he needed to not do that and that all he was doing by punishing them was pushing them away and she proceeded to yelling at him when he tried to tell of another situation that had been about her and to explain that the kids were going back and forth and it got so bad that my husband took his phone and tossed it across the room.... I picked up the phone as she was still yelling and very calmly said that he had tossed the phone and was not there anymore that he went outside to cool down. I tried very hard to be calm she hung up on me before I got the first word out.  Which did **** me off but, I tried to see her side of it and realized that if I was her I guess I would not be happy if my ex tossed his phone while talking to me either. So I called her back and she answed the phone with a very rude WHAT DO YOU WANT!!  we talked for several min. and she then started to yell at me and I kept telling her that I was not talking with her to yell so please try and work this out since the issues were about me I felt that I needed to be involved also and she and I tried to work it out but, she was not at all interested in talking to me in the least but, atleast appeared  to listen the most I got out of the confersation was that she blamed my husband for there lack of communication even tho I tried to tell her that when she talks to him that if she would not start judging or yelling at him right off the bat that he would agree to talk to her but, it had to be a two way street. I asked her to write down the things that upset her in there so called lack of communication and have him to do the same and to list boundries so that they both knew where the stood and to try and follow them as to not upset either of them and maybe that would work and she didn't like that either it was more of she was not to blame that it was all my husband and his lack of communication and the conversation seemed to turn into how awful my husband was and she even went so far as to say that I needed to get my f husband in to check more or less and that he had the problems not her and she didn't need to change anything and that it was all him. So I derailed this issues by saying this conferstaion is not about you and Nathan this about the kids lets figure out a way to help them thats what is important not the issues with you and there dad. So we ended the confersation by her telling me that the kids no longer wanted to come to our home because they were in trouble and I informed her that she had an obligaion under a court order to provide the kids dad with visitaion as he has joint custody
and that the kids were not the adults to make that kind of choice that was up to the parents and not just her choice either. I told her I understood if she didn't agree and that it was just my opion but, did caution her that the kids dad and I loved them and they would be comming one way or the other weither it ment going back to court and going to mediation again since that is how we got joint custody in the first place and she didn't like this and I'm sure she didn't since the last time this happen the judge ordered her to give up her full custody and since she has not coutinued with the court ordered cousling that she would be in contempt as well as she was not allowed to have other men move in and she did and got married a few mts after meeting him which beleive it or not the court ordered her to not have any live in boyfriends since the girls were molested in her care and that she didn't follow the court order of not moving the kids out of town and she did that also without notifying the courts so I would say that she really doesn't want to go back to court and neither do we but, if that is whats best for the kids that is what we have decided to do to reslove the issues and start couseling sessions for the kids weither or not she comes is up to her and if she doesn't let the kids go to them then she will be in trouble not us. We only have them fri-mon am so all session will have to be while she has them but, she still is responsible to take them to all apts. maybe if we can get the girls the help they need mom will start to come also wish us luck!

[91004]

Just by reading what you have wrote I dont think you will get her to understand I think you are better off not talking to her same with the husband unless it has to do with the kids such as they are sick or in the hospital or having some type of major problem as far as listening to her say the kids said you did this and that dont acknowledge it let it go  and tell her when they are in our care that has to do with our family not you we know what happened and we dealt with it as far as what the kids tell the mother ignore it.   When you and dad stop reacting to the mom and the kids by what they tell their mom they will stop. Trust me I know that is hard to do but they are all feeding off you and dads reactions