Please help us!

I have been put into a 4 year olds mother spot for about 2 months. I have never been in this before and I have mo idea what to do! My boyfriend and I fight because we have different ways to raise the baby! The child has been throught alot and he does not know how to talk to us. His real mother is in jail and has been in and out for the past 2 months and he has no idea. The child has moved homes more than 20 times before he was 4. The baby throws fits like something I have never seen before and when he does this he hits himself and he bits himself nad punches himself and has told me oncethat he was going to bit himself and die! How do I deal with this? I love my boyfriend very much and I love the baby and I want to be a part of there lives but i dont know what else to do. The baby never sleeps he always wakes up and cries for hours. He calls us names and is rude and mean. We teach the baby about respect and manners but no matter how many times we tell him it goes in one ear and out the other! I am not a mother and I have no idea what to do or even how to talk to either one of them!  Please help me!

[April2]

Why do you keep calling him a baby? He's four years old. It doesn't surprise me at all that he's acting out after all the trauma he's had in his short life. He needs some intervention and soon before things get worse. You need to get him into therapy with a trained therapists who work with children. This child is crying out for help in the only way he knows how. Please get him help. The only thing you can do is to love him and reassure him. He probably doesn't trust you because you're just one more thing that's come in and out of his life as far as he's thinking. He probably thinks you'll just leave like others have or that he'll be sent away, so why mind or listen to you? This poor child has had no stability whatsoever in his life. Children need and crave stability and boundaries. When they don't have that, they will act out. He's scared to death! His whole world is upside down. He doesn't know what's up or down or what to expect. Please, please talk to your boyfriend and get this child into counseling fast. In the meantime, give him lot's of love and cuddles and try and be patient. Hang in there! It won't be easy. It may take a long time for him to learn to trust and feel secure. He can get better though with some work on you and your boyfriends part. Love him, just love him.

[laura1977]

I really feel sorry for this little guy, can you even imagine what it would feel like to be in his shoes?  At that age a child wants his mommy, and when that is security is taken from him it can turn even a 16 year olds life upside down.  You may need to take him to some counseling, and just be patient with him and be the kind-of mother that child DISERVES!!!!!  God put him in your home for a reason.  Just love him and hug him and hold him.  

[Issabee]

I don't mean to be pessimistic, but I think you should be very careful what you promise this child. It is possible you and his father could break up and you'll never see either of them again. I agree he needs love and stability. But, it would be a shame if the one person he'd come to rely on for this - you - was suddenly gone. When his mother gets out of jail, she will want to see him. She'll feel she's finally gotten things in her life straightened out and she'll want her son. I agree that he does need counseling, in fact, I think his father should seek a court order for that counseling, so that no matter who has him, they are required to take him to see that same counselor. Unless that counselor quits, he'll have that constant in his life. Since you don't know what circumstances are ahead, I feel its important to prepare yourself and the child for what could happen. This is not to say you should be distant or unsympathetic to his needs, but I don't think you should promise what you may not be able to deliver.

[proudmomof2g]

Children don't responed to dicipline somtimes even with a month of consestence. Consistance, love, pradictability-or a constent schedule.Reward even the smalest good behaviors serch for them so that the is more reson for them to have positive behavior instead of nagitive. It's sounds like he is craving all these but espeshaly attention even if it's bad attention. He may be acustom to showing bad behavior in order to get attention. Reword charts are a great help and the best advise I ever got was to read a book called 1-2-3 magic. I think this would help greatly. Let me know if it helps.

[karinav3]

Hello, I've had anger issues with my son aswell, but he as not had a life like the you lil boy.  I Can honestly tell you that maybe you should take him to a Physiatrist, trust me a theorapist will just try to give you ideas on how to work with him.. maybe it might help or maybe it may not... I know medication is an easy way out, but sometimes it's better for the child to have a normal childhood.  My son showed a lot of violent behavior when he was 2 yrs old and I just didn't know what else to do. So I took him to the Physiatrist and put him on 0.5 mg of Risperdol and it did help.  He lasted on that medication for 6M then he was taken off. His behavior did improve he was not hurting himself physically anymore... I have a few behavior issues but not like before.  Everyone always says that they need a lot of attention and love, trust me my son gets all of that and it's not enough.  It's something more than that.  

Good luck