Possessiveness

My child is 4 years old. He his possessive over his care takers including myself (mother), father, and grandparents. He does not allow us to hug, communicate and laugh with one another or even with our friends and extended family members. He is loveable and very affectionate to most of us. Even when he is occupied with his cousin and friends, the moment he sees any one of us having a fun time or hugging one another, he leaves everything behind, screams, shouts, cries and beats us up. He even instructs us not to laugh or be happy. He sometimes insists that we should be sad. He always creates a scene at functions when the parents or grandparents are socializing.

He enjoys us being affectionate towards him and giving  him all the attention but he does not allow us to experience the same. He is a preschooler and miggles well in class. The teacher once has also indicated his similar behaviour when all other preschoolers looked for her.

I have constantly confronted him about his behaviour but he clings and basically thinks that he owns us.

He has portrayed this behaviour since a couple years.  

Need proper guideline on how to change his bahaviour.

[AnnieBrooke]

Your child is pretty young, and 'constantly confronting' a toddler about the logic of his or her behavior is asking a lot.  At that age, emotions are still pretty primitive, and the kind of logic you would expect from an adult is simply not there.  I would go talk to a therapist that specializes in children about better ways to try to address the behavior.

[renusukhani]

HI Annie,

Thanks. I am weighing his responses among all other kids at home. He is the only one with such emotions. We all adore him but i am starting to get worried that it will continue to go on. He also mentioned to me last couple days that he will shoot me with his toy gun because he loves me.

I do understand that he is very young but need to know if this behaviour is normal?

[AnnieBrooke]

I'd talk to a children's therapist about the whole thing.  If you find out that it is normal, you can still get good suggestions for modifying the behavior.

[margypops]

It could also be that you have allowed him by 'spoiling' him to take control and grant his wishes , maybe try ignoring the requests.When he demands take no notice dont get into a long diatribe just dont let him have all of his own way at your expence.Good Luck

[RockRose]

The concern here is that he very clearly verbalizes that he doesn't want his caregivers to be happy,  and he equates loving you with shooting you.

A lot of kids try to take over all the attention of their caregivers,  especially with caregivers who are almost always positive and flattering to them and if the child is the first grandchild.  Kids will try to get in between a couple who is hugging,  will sing loudly over any conversation that isn't centered on them,  will get in front of the camera and block another child who is the subject of the photo,  and will take a parent's face in their hands to physically force a parent to look at them and not another person who was getting attention.  All these are pretty common behaviors of children who are attention seekers.

What your son is doing is different from that,  in my opinion.  He sounds very bright,  and to be so clear that he doesn't want his caregivers to be happy except when interacting with him - is something that needs to be resolved if possible.

[RockRose]

oops,  sorry,  didn't finish.

I think you need to get a child psychologist/psychiatrist involved.  This isn't a case where you just want to stop the behavior of these attention seeking behaviors,  you need to try to resolve the thought pattern that is causing this.

With some behaviors,  you just seek to try to stop the behavior.  For example,  whining,  screaming,  biting,  etc.,  are behaviors where you fully understand the motivation behind them,  and want to channel those feelings into a more acceptable outlet for those normal feelings.  

His desire that you be unhappy (or shot,  actually) is not a normal feeling that you would hope to channel into acceptable behavioral outlets.

Best wishes.

[renusukhani]

Thanks for your understanding. Seems like i need to see a child psychologist/psychiatrist.

In the meantime, i have started expressing my feelings and have started doing things that he would not let me do otherwise which results in diversion of attention from him, like dancing to a song, exercising and even hugging my husband. I want to see if he gets immuned to it and learns to accept it eventually. I will keep posted on the results.

[Sandman2]

      Rockrose's comments are very good.  Essentially, you have allowed him to control you.  To take that control back will not be easy - but it will be a lot easier now then when he is older.  I suggest you buy the book -  "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.  She has a system using "timeouts" that will help you with changing his behavior.
    There is also a wonderful series of books that are meant to be read to children of his age (he will love that time).  A good starting book might be "Hands are not for hitting" which can be found here - http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Ages-Best-Behavior/dp/1575420775
   and if you scroll down that site, you will find other suggestions for books.  These are meant to be read and talked about several times over.  This also gives you a vocabulary to use with him when he breaks a rule and has a consequence.