Possible seperation anxiety?

[mommydaycare]

Hi, I am a daycare provider and recently started taking care of infants. I enjoy this a lot....I have a 5 1/2 month old little girl that has been coming to me for about 2 months now. My problem is she will not let me put her down. She screams at the top of her lungs and will not stop until I pick her up. She'll play on the floor for about 5 minutes and she's done! She starts crying for me to pick her up, she immediatly stops crying as soon as I pick her up. I even let her cry a little, but she doesn't stop. She also will not go to ANYBODY but me and her parents. This makes it difficult considering I have other children to tend to. This little girl is not your normal 5 month old. At 4 months she was sitting up on her own, she like to know whats going on and is very aware of things. She doesn't nap much unless I'm holding her but if I put her down in the crib she only sleeps about 20 minutes. I'm with her from about 7:30am to 5:30pm M-F. My friend thinks its seperation anxiety and that maybe she thinks I'm going to leave her?? Is that even possible when its not your child?? Please help! My arm hurts from holding her so much! She dont' like the swing much or the bouncy seat, she gets bored easily!

[mommydaycare]

Hi, I don't think she will have any developmental issues! This little girl is extremely smart!! She is now 7 months, she's been siiting up by herself since at almost 4 months, she is almost walking right now before she is crawling! She has 5 teeth, she's a normal healthy baby, just that she is clingy to me! I'm okay with it now, because I'm used to her. I let her cry sometimes and I think she knows, and when I can I hold her. I really treat her like she's mine!! I was sad to hear that her mother didn't come home last night from work because of her job. I keep hearing her talk about trying to get her raise that is why she is working so hard. I don't think she gets home until after 7pm everynight if that. Sad that some people would put their job rather than their child first, but that is why I do what I do for the kids who are not getting what they need at home. Sad huh!!!

[srt12780]

Looks like 888mom and I are thinking with the same brain. (experience)

[srt12780]

I agree with you Doc.  Not that she couldn't keep the baby, but that some babies require extra attention and that it would be best for that baby to receive one on one care.  I'm thankful my needy child came first.  I'm not sure what I would have done if he hadn't.  Although, you just do what you have to do with all of them.  If she has to scream for a min. then she'll have to scream, but I would mention it to the parents that maybe the baby would benifit from one on one babysitting.  I wonder if this child has any developmental issues?  or will have developmental issues later?  such as a sensory dysfunction?? curious.

[srt12780]

This sound so much like my son and it was all a sensory issue we found out later.  He just craved the closeness, the sensory input from being touched, held, etc.  

[mommydaycare]

Well, yes I do care for three infants and 3 toddlers, I am a licensed daycare provider and have been doing this for a long time, I am also a mother to a 16 year old and a 10 year old. Maybe you would not be able to care for that many children but some of us have the patience and love to do so. I believe that children should be home with there parents as well and I also believe in attatched parenting, I see nothing wrong with that. But this is also a business that I have and can't always tell the parents that they should stay home with their child. Then I would be out of a job! I've told her how her baby is clingy, how she doesn't want anyone but me. SHe has seen first hand when she picks up her child, she doesn't want to go to her mommy. I feel bad, but at the same time I feel confident that I am giving this baby the love that she needs and it does not bother me that I do, because that's what I do. She has gotten a little better, sometimes I have to let her cry for a bit, but I have learned now, there is nothing wrong with that. I still hold her more than the other children. Sigh..... but I rather her be with me than having the family suffer through finding another daycare provider that may not give what I give.

[Agiesmom]

Not an expert either, but I have to say that I am amazed that you care for three infants (and other kids, too?).  I don't know how one person can care for that many young children.  If I were you, I'd talk to the mother and suggest that she either find a way to be with her baby more (or all the time) or find a grandmother-type nanny who can give her baby one-on-one, undivided attention.  Talk to her honestly about your feelings and your frustration.  The fact that you think something is wrong with the baby tells me that you should probably let the mother know where you stand so she has the information she needs to make the right decision for her child.

My daughter will be one year old in a couple of days and she still likes to be held a lot and I don't see anything wrong with that and I'm not trying to break her of it.  I think it's sad that in our society we promote detachment and encourage children to be less dependent before they are ready.  I know that doing this makes it more convenient for adults, but I just think that it makes sense that when a child needs you, he/she needs you and reassurance and consistently being there will promote confidence and a healthy independence when the child is ready (and unfortunately, that doesn't work for many adults' schedules).  I also have an 11-year-old who was clingy as a baby and always wanted to be held and he's well-adjusted, independent, and happy to go off to camp, sleepovers, or wherever (and he has been independent and confident for a very long time).

Best of luck to you!

[888mom]

Okay, I realize this is the expert forum, I'm not an expert, but this child sounds like my daughter!  My daughter is now 2, but I've been a stay at home mom the whole time.  I wore my daughter in a sling most of the time until she was 1 and then occasionally after she turned one so she wouldn't be collicky or cry all the time.  I also had to buy a cosleeper so she'd be closer to me at night and she wasn't able to sleep on her own until she was 15 months old.  She just needed that extra proximity.  I realize you don't have the luxury to wait it out until she gets older and outgrows some of this behavior.  My daughter at age 2 is still demanding for my attention even if it isn't holding her I have to pay attention to her.  She has some developmental issues and sensory issues and is now going through therapy.  The occupational therapist on our team thinks she must have needed the extra proximity as an infant and even needs it now because of something about how her senses regulate her proximity in space, and she needs to hang on to a familiar person (a stranger doesn't do the trick, it has to be a familiar caregiver/relative). Well, I guess that isn't to say that any kid who wants to get picked up and held all the time has that.  Some kids don't want to be held or touched at all who have sensory issues.  It's also not to say she has any sensory issues either.  Some kids just need that extra love and attention.  I had thought about going back to work when my daughter turned 2 back when she was born, but I know I can not do that now.  I don't know what the mom's situation is, if she needs to work for the money.  My husband and I have cut back on everything so I can stay home with my daughter for awhile longer.  We dont' get cable TV, you can get by with only one car, you don't need high speed internet, don't go out to eat as often.  It's amazing how well you can live without these what we now consider luxuries.  I guess the mom might shoot your head off if you suggested her quitting her job to be with her kid, but it sounds like her kid needs some one on one attention she can't get from a day care.  

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Yes, this response will change over time, but there is no way of knowing when her reaction will be subdues enough that it will not be so demanding for you. It is definitely a wait-and-see situation if you decide to persist.

[mommydaycare]

Thank you, I have really been trying to be close to her and giving her what she needs. Is this something that she will grow out of soon? I have been thinking that maybe she is not good for my setting, but I have grown attatched to her, at the same time I am a business and this may not be good for my business. I want to be loving and giving to all my children. I am willing to give her a few months to see what happens. It really has made me soooo tired at the end of the day though. I am hoping she will grow out of it by the time she starts crawling which is real soon, she's moving a lot. What is your opinion on her growing out of this?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Children vary a lot in their need to be held or comforted. Instead of thinking that there is something wrong, simply think of her as having a need for closeness, physical contact. If responding to her is beyond what you can do, it's best to discuss this with her parents. Not every child is a match for any particular setting, and this child may not be the best match for your setting. What do you think?

[mommydaycare]

the baby is now 6 1/2 months old, sometimes she's ok, but this week for some reason she started screaming and throwing fits if I put her down, sometimes I have to let her cry.  I can't even eat lunch or take the other children to the potty without her kicking and screaming for me.  She doesn't seem to care for the swing much. She sits by herself, even with toys all around her and me sitting next to her isn't enough for her! What is wrong with her? Her parents say she doesn't do that at home? I am holding this little girl ALL the time so its not like she's being neglected! I really do take extra care of her. But having a daycare and other infants really makes it hard! I have a 3 month old to care for as well as a 9 month old. The 9 month old is very content, he plays all the time and is just a happy boy. I like holding the 3 month old as well, she sleeps a lot but she still needs to be held. So a snuggly would not help me, I want her to play and have fun without me having to hold her!

[MLWTR]

Just wondering whether she might be content if you carried her around in a snuggly or a backpack. Then she has proximity to you, but it's a lot easier on your arms.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

While it is not unreasonable to say that separation anxiety prompts this little girl's crying, we really can't know because we can't know what is occurring in her 'mind'. If her behavior is to be associated with separation anxiety, it's important to note that the phenomenon in such a case is a normal form of separation anxiety (vs the sort of emotional disorder that occurs with older children). Suffice it to say that she is indicating her need for physical contact. You needn't stop everything you are doing to pick her up; it will not be damaging to her to cry for a bit. On the other hand, of course you should hold her as best you can do this. An option that works well with some young children is to place them in a child swing. Do you have one of those? If so, try it some of the time and hold her some of the time.