Potty Training 3yr Old

Our son will turn 4 in December '00, and has shown absolutely no interest in potty training.  For several months we have tried to encourage positive behavior by using a wall chart with stickers, offering incentives, etc. with zero sucess.  All of his playmates are now potty trained, but he doesn't care.  We are still at step zero of the process.  He says that he cannot tell when he needs to urinate.  We have tried to be laid back about the situation, but it is becoming an issue because 1) he's a large child (50+ pounds) and no longer fits into regular disposable diapers (he's now in pull-up Good Nights - expensive), and 2) he couldn't start preschool this month because he's not potty trained.  Should we continue waiting for him to decide on his own to start using the potty, or should we become more proactive (ie. just stop buying diapers)?  He's a high needs (spirited?) child, if that matters.

Thanks,
/Don

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Don,

You have been doing the sensible things. If your son was showing some interest, or had been having some successes, and is dry during the night, I'd endorse the plan of disposing with the diapers and thereby pushing him along to master this developmental task.  In light of what appears to be a stance of not yet being ready, though, I think it best to continue with your patient, encouraging, supportive approach.

[dave]

Don't worry. I have a three year old daughter, and we are in the same BOAT! Our issue is that the 2 year old daughter was picking up on all the encouragement that we're giving the 3 year old to go potty on the toilet and now she is potty trained where as the 3 year old is not. The three year old expresses some jealousy but still will not even try. The only success we've had so far was in getting her on the potty bare butt. This is after about 3 months or so of taking a laid back (but hurry up) approach as well. By laid back I say we talked to her a lot about it, but only attempted sit down with the potty once per day so as not to push her.

If I may suggest. My daughters first problem was fear of the potty. So I offered a reward if she would simply sit on the potty fully clothed with the lid down.

My second step took about three weeks and that was to get her to sit on the potty NOT CLOSED and wearing her diaper. This worked and she got two scopes of ice cream!

The next move came about a week later and that is when we finally got her on the potty bare butt and this was HUGE to us. The final step is for her to decide that she wants to put the pee in the potty. She also tells us she doesnt know when it's coming.

We're excited to be where we are with her. She is too! But it took a lot of time and a lot of patients to get there. We work with her twice a day now and stickers are the big incentive. She wants a bicycle, so that is the incentive for the final step.

Hope this helps.

Good Luck!
Dave

[Pam Heider]

It took quite a while to teach my preschooler to use the potty.  But let me offer my advise - there are two wonderful books on the market "Once Upon a Potty" (available for boys and for girls) and "Everyone Poops".  Your probably thinking - books won't help, but trust me, if you read these easy-to-understand books to your child, a couple of times a day, he will soon understand that their is no reason for fear and in fact, it will create interest.  Give it a try - it worked for us!

[Emily Ann]

I'm with John Rosemond ( the syndicated columnist ) on this one.  Throw out the diapers,and inform your son that he can wet or soil himself, but he is no longer going to use diapers. Then, you will go through several days of torture ( wet carpets, soiled clothes) and you will want to give in , but don't. He WILL give in. I know if doesnt' sound "child- friendly" , but I sometimes think we have as parents ceded far too much control to our kids. Our parent's generation would not have tolerated similar situations. We finally got tired of this same routine with our 3 year old son, and yes, this worked for us. Take control back and put the onus on your son. He will respons, unless there is a physical reason is can't do this, and then of course you should take him to your Dr.