Potty Training

My three and 1/2 year old son refuses to use the potty.  Except for a couple rare occasions, he will sit on it at our urging with no success.  He will often get off the potty and have an "accident" even before we can get his diaper on.  He says that he does not ever want to use the potty.

I'm especially worried because we are still having problems with my 5 1/2 year old son, who also resisted training.  Except for night time wetting, that issue is fine.  But he says that he does not like to make bowel movements.  He will withhold until becoming very contipated and then has leakage in his pants. He is under a doctor's care for this right now.  

I'm afraid that my 3 1/2 year old is following in his footsteps and want very much to avoid that!!  I have had many different attempts at training him but always back off when I get too much resistance, for fear of starting a power struggle.  Am I giving mixed messages? Should I ignore it or keep trying? Has his brother's example made problems inevitable?  What should I do?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The reality is that children master this developmental task when they are ready to do so, not when we think they should be ready. So it's important to be patient and supportive, and you are correct in your intuition that you should not coerce your son around this. Be sure that his eating habits are good, so that he does not become constipated and then have painful bowel movements. While he's taking his time, he may not follow in his brother's footsteps - time will tell. Continue to have him sit on the potty, but do avoid struggles around the matter. If you haven't already done so, put up a chart for stickers which will be placed on the chart each time he's successful in using the potty. Eventually he'll be more interested. Remember he's not alone - many children his age have still not yet been trained.