Potty training seems imposible for my 5yr old son.

I'm not sure where to begin. his father went to prison when i was 2 months pregnant. i met my husband when he was 2 just before his father got out. his father only visited every couple months and recently went back to prison. 4 months after his father got out my husband (who he loves) and I got a place together. When we moved he was 3 and going on the potty all the time for six months with occasional accidents. 4m later I got engaged and  my son started preschool and he started having accidents all the time. Than 3m after that i got pregnant and i got married 3 months along. A lot to happen for a little boy. Than shortly after his little brother was born his biological father went back to prison and my husband joined the military and is leaving for boot camp between Jan. '09 and March '10 and won't return for 5 months. I'm stressed and overwelmed. He pees at night every night even if i wake him to go and he gets no drinks 3 hour before bed. He seems to be oblivious of it and the extra stress it causes. He seems to be oblivious of rules I enforce them consistantly. He is very excitable and energetic to the point where it crosses boundries. I've developed a temper I didn't know i had and my patience is gone. I find myself yelling all the time and spanking and even cussing sometimes. I feel very guilty afterward since i know this is not helping, but i don't know what to do. At times I think he does it on purpose, but diciplining him for it seems to have no effect. Rewarding him for dryness leads to him going only WHEN he wants a treat and only for a week or two. He is in counciling and she thinks he may have a disorder relating to his fathers inconsistant involvment but no new suggestions or soluions.  Nothing seems to help even a little. I'm very consern with where this my lead and what is best for my family. What can i do. He's my son and i love him so much, but i can't take much more of this.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Right now you should focus on your own emotional reaction. You are choosing, even though you may not think of it as a choice, to let yourself become so emotional. Your angry reaction is a big problem and you have to help yourself before you can help your son. It is crucial that you maintain your equanimity. The behavior is clearly the result of a stressful family environment - it has little to do with the specifics of the involvement (or lack thereof) with his biological father. That is simply one element in a very unstable, changing family situation. Children require routine, structure, predictability, and your son has not had the benefit of these. There is no point in waking your son up during the night. That will not help. About ten percent of children his age are enuretic during the night - that is a different problem that the situation during the day. Be patient and supportive, using the reward system. Do  not be punitive, and stop taking this personally (which you are doing when you think he is doing this deliberately).