Preschool pick up problems

My generally well behaved 3 year old, completely misbehaves when I pick him up at preschool.  He threw food at me the other day.   I was horrified. I had to carry him out.   He is temporarily being picked up in the hallway. His teacher told me today, that she can't have that behavior as it affects the other kids.  I fully agree and support this.  He understands why this is happening and is generally upset about it.  I told him he could not be wait with his friends until I trust that he will act nice with me.  What upsets me about the situation is that I feel like I am the one being blamed.  His teacher told me his does not do this at all with her and does not behave this way when his dad picks him out.   She wants me to be able to come in, but I can't for now.   His teacher said his dad could come in, but I could not.  I am at a loss of what to do.  I feel completely disrepected.  More importantly, I want my child to behave, when I pick him up

[91004]

They actually told you that you couldn't come in. That is crazy and when they said that I would have said I will come in and get him I am his mother not you and of course he doesn't act that way with her she isnt taking him home. Are you and dad divorced?

[91004]

Also when you pick him up are you picking him up early or when others are picking up.

[Zionsmamma]

no we are together.  I am the one who does most of the disiplining and we do have disagreements on how it should be done, therefore he does not always support me when I disipline him. I am trying to get him on board but it is proving to be difficult.  When he tells him to stop doing something, I generally tell my son to listen to his dad.

My son  is not left out there alone, there is someone with him and she has used this tatic in the past and it corrected the problem.  I am hoping it is just a phase my child is going through and it will eventually pass with  firmness and praise for good behavior.

[Zionsmamma]

Depends on the day.  There are usually other parents coming in.  Pick up is between 5-6.  I like to get him in and out of there as quickly as possible, I am tried and want to get home.  

[91004]

I didn't mean is he left there alone. Are other kids leaving at the same time. I was going to suggest being the last one to pick up so he would be the only child in the room. I am guessing they all leave at a certain time.I see now you are the bad guy he is the good guy. I have that same problem. Has he always done this? I would praise him when he walks out without a fit. Does he have any other problems with you? I know my son is more attached to his dad then me we arent together and he will tell me sometimes I am mean and he doesn't love me, he wants to go to dads. My heart just drops when he does it and I dont' know why he does. His dad says tho if he has to punish him he cries for me though. So I don't know it was really bad and it has eased off alot. Do you get to spend alot of time with him? I am not working now so my youngest is here with me during the day and that has had a big impact on his behavior.

[Diva2317]

Can you talk to the Principal about this? It's totally not fair that the teacher won't let you come in but will let dad! I would be furious. Of course he doesn't act that way around her because he knows that you will love him no matter what, she's different. It's not your fault. When kids get interrupted from doing something fun they often throw fits; it doesn't make it right, but it doesn't mean it's your fault. If you did go in to get him what is she going to do anyways? I don't see how she could stop you.

[Zionsmamma]

We do get spend a lot of time together. We are together all weekend and in the evenings.  I also try when we get home to do something fun together, so he gets quality time with me.  Other then the general sassiness, like telling me I am bad, I would say no we don't have any other problems.  My husband works nights and goes to school, so we don't have a ton of time together as a family. I think that would help  with the behavior. I also think they need more alone time without me, so he would perhaps start to get some of the misbahavior.  I will admit, I have been a little soft, but getting really tough with him has not been necessary up until now.  I did praise him today, as when I picked him up he was sitting very nicely and did not get out of control wild when I picked him up.  I know he misses his dad as they don't get to spend a lot of time together, and when I am out, I typically get a phone from them asking me when I will be home.

How old is your son?  Do you think he behaves better as you are home more?

[Zionsmamma]

There is no principal as it is an in home preschool.  She knows the kids act differently around their parents when they come in and pick up is always chaotic.  All the kids are excited to see their parents and tend to get a bit riled up, which is why I like to get in and out of there as quickly as possible before things get out of hand.  After the week's up, I am going to set the timer on my phone for 3 minutes.  He can get a little more play in and show me everything and when the buzzer goes off, it's shoes on and out the door.

[Diva2317]

That sounds like a great idea.

[91004]

My youngest will be 3 this month. Since I have been home he has acted so much better towards me. I have a 5 yr old also so when they are here with me it was hard when I was working fulltime and I go to school online also. So supper, baths, and getting them ready for bed and my homework done and quality time was difficult. It was always do do do. We never got to sit and relax together. They played I cooked, we ate, I bathed them. You get the point and I am sure you know how it is also. Since I have been home my oldest is in kindergarden so my youngest gets from 8 til 3 by hisself to ride bikes at park, playground play in sand with just me. When his brother gets home I make a point for atleast 1-2 hrs to be play time for us then at night a book to read. I have noticed if I don't do these things the behavior will start. If possible try not letting the dad come at all just for a while. Is that what the problem is you want to leave and he wants to talk and show you stuff I was reading above post.

[91004]

I am actually looking for a part time job so I can have more time with them both during the day and I have loved being able to take and pick my oldest up from school.

Do you give him drinks in the car or snacks. Maybe telling him his favorite juice is waitn on him or his favorite toy. Your not rewarding him but encouraging him to want to go the car to see what you have in there. Just thought of that I do this with my oldest, he loves seeing what drink or snack he has when he gets in.

[specialmom]

Hi,  I have a little different take on it.  Another person who posts often made a comment once that always stuck with me and that is---  a child will treat worse the one he is closest to.  He is tired by the end of the day and sounds like controling himself all the way up until that point and once he sees his "safe" person----  he lets loose.  

I would follow the teachers guidance and meet him outside of the room.  For two reasons----  she has seen this tactic work in the past and secondly, she says it scares the other kids----  will that will impact YOUR son.  They will say things to him, they may fear him or not play with him as much during the day, etc.  So, I would try to take your personal feelings out of it and calmly pick him up outside.  I'm a big believer in picking my battles.  This one wouldn't be worth it to me.  (besides if you make a big deal about coming in----  she may say it is all too disruptive and dismiss him from the preschool.  If he is generally happy there and this is just one issue----  you'd have to way if this is worth it.)

Lastly, my now 4 year old went to preschool last year for 2 half days a week.  This is my mama's boy and he while being all boy if you know what I mean---  is pretty easy going in school.  They never had one issue with him.  Well, on some days when I picked him up------  he was a screaming meanie on the way home.  I chalked it up to being tired and didn't make too big of a deal out of it.  It went away.  

Anyway, good luck.  

[specialmom]

Oh yeah,  I think picking up when less kids are in the room is a good idea too if you aren't willing to wait outside.  And I always have a drink and little snack in the car waiting for the ride home.  My kids look forward to that.  

[91004]

specialmom,

You always have good advise. I am a very touchy when it comes to my kids and get offended when it comes to them and someone saying something, I think the teacher could have just suggested they meet outside instead of saying the child only does it with you.

I also agree with the child acts up around the one he is most comfortable with. My son does it he doesn't act up, cry, or even tell his dad he doesn't like something but for me it is totally different. He once let his dad cut his hair very short(we hadn't cut it in awhile because he wanted it to grow) and spike it. As soon as he got in the car with me he said mom can you make my hair flat, I don't like it. I said why don't you tell dad not to do it and he said I just forgot mom. I think he is unknowingly of how his dad will react. He also use to be so nice and well behaved at his nannies house but when she started babysitting after about 5 mnths he was throwing tantrums, refusing to eat certain things.

My oldest loves the snack thing to. I try to mix it up so it is always something different but small so they will still eat supper. Yogurt pushups or a little bad of vanilla wafers.

[Zionsmamma]

I live in NYC, so rely on public transportation.  Thankfully the preschool is walking distance from our apt, so I don't have to deal with the nightmare of the rush hour subway.  I do from time to time get him a little snack for the walk home which helps and once or twice a week we make corn bread when we get home.  I do the measuring, he pours everything in the bowl, cracks the eggs and does the mixing.  I put it in the oven, give him his bath  and by the time bath is over, we have a delicious snack.  I am hoping this is just a phase and it will soon be over.

Good luck with your job search and thanks for your advice!

[Zionsmamma]

He is generally happy and all the kids really love him.  In fact we were at a birthday party today and the mom of the birthday girl told me her daughter said the the only people she wanted there were my son and another little boy from the preschool. We were the first ones to arrive today.  She came over and gave him a big hug. You are right, I do have to take my personal feelings out it.   I also really lucked out with this place as she is wonderful.  I know another mom who did it and after the week was up, she said things improved.   I do support this decision and can not have my child behave disruptively.

Thanks for your advice!