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Preschooler Etiquette: Sharing
I am not sure if I, as a parent, misunderstand the rules of sharing. My 4-year-old son is pretty good-natured and always aware to share and take turns when it comes to toys or other items belonging to daycare or another household or playgrounds.
However, there are the times when he happily uses one of his own toys in public and usually right away older children and sometimes parents, often total strangers, yell he ought to share. Usually I explain that he has only just started playing with his own toy and then ask him if he is ready to let someone else take a turn in a little while. When he has had a few minutes, he usualy does not mind sharing. Is there such a rule that any private toy needs to be shared with anyone? I am a little confused since another mom barked at me: "typical single spoiled child" when my son and I were just trying to have a quiet one-on-one playtime outdoors and her son jumped in out of the blue to grab all the toy cars. Just wanted to know the rules. Thank you.
However, there are the times when he happily uses one of his own toys in public and usually right away older children and sometimes parents, often total strangers, yell he ought to share. Usually I explain that he has only just started playing with his own toy and then ask him if he is ready to let someone else take a turn in a little while. When he has had a few minutes, he usualy does not mind sharing. Is there such a rule that any private toy needs to be shared with anyone? I am a little confused since another mom barked at me: "typical single spoiled child" when my son and I were just trying to have a quiet one-on-one playtime outdoors and her son jumped in out of the blue to grab all the toy cars. Just wanted to know the rules. Thank you.
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Oh my, that sounds so similar...space, privacy and property are perceived so differently in each culture and family, it takes some effort for everyone to get along. It is a great challenge for parents to help their children to neither become bullies nor victims. And somehow this already starts with sharing.
Thanks for all your thoughts.
Thanks for all your thoughts.
Yup, someone actually said that but I know now that some moms just like to show off their discipline vocabulary in public without really thinking about its content...Funny that you mention Montessori. This is one part of their philosophy I really appreciate: to respect others work in progress and to give a child the chance to finish a thought or a project without interruption. It creates great happiness in a child and for that reason I try not to be the hovering parent shouting commands from the side lines all day like share this, do that, time out, time in....
Thanks, I just love all your comments and how each of you handles these situations. I think I will save the germ scenario for really evil moments but in general just keep his favorite toys home and bring a "general purpose" box...From past experience, my son now brings a back pack in which the favorite items can disappear until he is sure the other child will not run off with everything. Once he knows who he is dealing with, the toys usually come back out one by one. I like to give him space to do his own negotiations. It seems to work in the long run. Thanks again and enjoy the spring with your own little guys, well, RR, teenagers...
oh my gosh! DD and i were at one of her doctors appointments and a 4 or 5 year old little boy came up and tried to take a toy out of her diaper bag, and it was right under my chair! i politely told him "no no thats her toy" and his mother spoke something angerly in spanish, looked at me like i was a horrible mother and yanked her little boy away, some people....
i dont think people have an accurate clue about personal space, i know i wouldnt let taylor take a toy away from another kid, thats just rude
i can see if she were at a park and playing in the sand box with a bunch of kids, but that mother was way out of line!
i dont think people have an accurate clue about personal space, i know i wouldnt let taylor take a toy away from another kid, thats just rude
i can see if she were at a park and playing in the sand box with a bunch of kids, but that mother was way out of line!
You gotta be kidding me, someone actually said that to you?
Let's look at this as if the children were adults. If someone came up to you and grabbed something out of your hand would you be ok with that? I dont think so.That is not the real adult world. I dont understand what or who made that ok in a childs world. Makes no sense to me. Only child or not has nothing to do with it. People do not grow up selfish because of that. It is how they are taught by their parents.
Yes we want to teach our kids to share, but only if they have been asked nicely and if they dont want to that is ok. It should be on their own terms.
The "Montessori school/teaching" philosphy on this is that if one child is playing with something they are not "expected" to give it up right away at the whimper and whining of another child.
When I go to the park with my son I try to make it a rule of thumb to bring more than one thing of what we have. That way he can share and it helps him to make friends. He will happily do it.
Let's look at this as if the children were adults. If someone came up to you and grabbed something out of your hand would you be ok with that? I dont think so.That is not the real adult world. I dont understand what or who made that ok in a childs world. Makes no sense to me. Only child or not has nothing to do with it. People do not grow up selfish because of that. It is how they are taught by their parents.
Yes we want to teach our kids to share, but only if they have been asked nicely and if they dont want to that is ok. It should be on their own terms.
The "Montessori school/teaching" philosphy on this is that if one child is playing with something they are not "expected" to give it up right away at the whimper and whining of another child.
When I go to the park with my son I try to make it a rule of thumb to bring more than one thing of what we have. That way he can share and it helps him to make friends. He will happily do it.
I never let my child bring a toy somewhere public, such as the pool, park, McDonanalds play place. If you bring it, you should share it. The sharing doesn't go well either....with any of the kids when there is one toy.
The problem: He doesn't want to bring something to share, so we bring nothing. When we get to the park, he doesn't need his toy, there are a million other things to do, and nothing to keep track of. He can play w/the toy when we get home, which makes it easier to leave the park "ok, let's go home and play with your car that we left at home"....he runs to the car.
The problem: He doesn't want to bring something to share, so we bring nothing. When we get to the park, he doesn't need his toy, there are a million other things to do, and nothing to keep track of. He can play w/the toy when we get home, which makes it easier to leave the park "ok, let's go home and play with your car that we left at home"....he runs to the car.
I have a feeling you're going to get a LOT of responses on this one! ;D
I see it both ways. It really depends on the situation, and the expectations.
I used to bring plastic bins of sand toys to the park, and plastic bins of pool toys to the swimming pool so other kids WOULD come over and play, and it would be much more fun for my oldest son to have a group to play with. The toys were never anything really special, and if one or two of them didn't make it back into the bin when we left, that was fine, the goal was to entice other kids over to play.
So maybe a lot of kids have expectations that's what toys at the park are - to be shared equally as long as you play nice.
On the other hand, it's amazing how rude other people can be, isn't it? The mother's comment was completely out of line.
I see it both ways. It really depends on the situation, and the expectations.
I used to bring plastic bins of sand toys to the park, and plastic bins of pool toys to the swimming pool so other kids WOULD come over and play, and it would be much more fun for my oldest son to have a group to play with. The toys were never anything really special, and if one or two of them didn't make it back into the bin when we left, that was fine, the goal was to entice other kids over to play.
So maybe a lot of kids have expectations that's what toys at the park are - to be shared equally as long as you play nice.
On the other hand, it's amazing how rude other people can be, isn't it? The mother's comment was completely out of line.
these parents are completely out of line! of course your child is not required to share with complete strangers, and i think you're response is great- he should be allowed at least a few minutes to play with his own toy before having to share it. in fact, in my classroom, i allow children to have some alone time even with classroom toys that belong to "everyone." (although in my setting, the children are together for sooo many hours in the day, i feel they need a bit of quiet time on their own). usually, after a few minutes, the children decide on their own that it's more fun to play with others, and we have surprisingly few conflicts when I allow children time to play with something alone. and honestly, some toys just aren't made for sharing (can 2 children really play with the same car at the same time?) to give the child space, and keep the others at bay, i set a timer, and explain that when the bell rings they'll have a turn. (can the child with the toy really enjoy it with someone hovering over their shoulder?)
on the otherhand, it is important to teach your child to share. i feel you are doing a good job of that by asking him if he wouldn't mind the other child having it after a few minutes or when he's done.
if you want another parent to back off, perhaps you can say something like, "well, he just sneezed all over it, but if it's that important to you, you can have the toy and some of his germs as well!" hehe. well, maybe not, but i would love to see someone's reaction to that!!!!
on the otherhand, it is important to teach your child to share. i feel you are doing a good job of that by asking him if he wouldn't mind the other child having it after a few minutes or when he's done.
if you want another parent to back off, perhaps you can say something like, "well, he just sneezed all over it, but if it's that important to you, you can have the toy and some of his germs as well!" hehe. well, maybe not, but i would love to see someone's reaction to that!!!!
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