Proper god-parent role

[Michael Greene]

I have been married to a wonderful woman for the past two years. When we first met, she told me that she had a four year old god-son whom she took care of on alternating wekends. The child's biological mother died from domestic violence leaving two sons. The younger of the two is the one my wife cares for. I am really struggling to deal with my wife and her god-son relationship. I first observed problems in my wife over this child when her 8 year old niece once stated that the god son did not have a mother. My wife exploded on her niece! My wife was yelling at her from the top of her lungs saying "you don't say he doesn't have a mother, I'm his mother." My mother in law has stated to me that my wife has an emotional attachment to the child because of the tragedy in his life. I have tried to help raise a young man or a boy out of him and get resentment from her. She still allows for him to suck his thumb and gets made at me when I tell her he is to old to be sucking his thumb (he is 6 years old now and will be 7 in February). She also walks him to the restroom by hand and takes him to the ladies room. This child is quite smart and knows how to go to the bathroom by himself. I believe that my wife is hindering his learning ability. He goes to a chartered school now but before when he was enrolled in public school, it was the teacher, other students, etc, that were to blame for his not knowing his ABC's and counting. I feel that my wife is obsessed by this child and that her god-son knows this and tries to mulipulate her whenever he can. How can I protect my wife from him? Also I fear if she reacts to this child in this matter, how will she act when we have a child of our own. May I also add that my wife still washes him in the bath tub and dries him off! At times, he attempts to get her to hand or spoon feed him which she just stopped doing this past year. My wife is very strong headed but when something happens or you say that the child did something bad or wrong, she rejects it or when she knows he is about to do something bad she turns away and doesn't acknowledge it.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Mr. Greene,

Your wife's relationship with her godson is problematic. Her concern for him is being expressed in a way that encourages an undue degree of dependence, and this is hindering his growth and development. Her eruption about being his mother is indicative of the severity of the problem, and it would be wise to seek professional help. Perhaps your wife would agree for the two of you to meet with a child therapist to discuss the situation.