Puzzeled

[DustyL]

I have 2 children, a step-daughter that is 4 1/2 and a son that will 4 in a few weeks. Our household has been intragated for the last 4 years. My step-daughters mother (further mentioned as MOM)wanted nothing to do with her after she found out what a "pain" (her words) having a child was and forfited sole custody to myself and my (now) husband. So all her life she had grown up with me as mommy. That is until about a year ago. MOM ran into me and my daughter out at the market. My daughter didn't know who she was so she paid no mind to her, I on the other hand knew exactly who she was and was waiting for a comment. Which I recieved. MOM walked over to us looked at my daughter and said "arn't you going to say hi to your mommy?" My daughter, very confused at this point, look at me and said who is she? MOM proceeded to throw a fit very pissed off that my daughter didn't know who who "real" mother was. I immediately left the store. I spoke with my husband about the issue and suggested we go to family court NOW to put everything into writing. Which we are attempting to do at this point. Fast forward to now.

The judge as recent as June decided that EVERY WEEKEND visits with MOM were nessassary to rebuild MOM and daughter's relationship. (against our better judgement we have to let her go) Out of the last 15 weeks she has seen her 7 times. MOM recently had a new baby and is couch jumping if you will. We recently returned to court requesting supervised visits, no overnights, and Child Protective services to investigate. Our request was granted.

MOM calles to speak to my husband at least 15 times a day, in which he doesn't answer. When our daughter gets home from daycare, we allow her to call MOM, on speaker phone to say hello. We noticed that MOM was grilling her for answers and when our daughter would as a simple question such as "what are you doing?" MOM would reply with "tell your father it's none of his ******* business, how about that?!" I have several times advised her to stop using inappropriate words while on the phone with her and have hung up on her many times b/c of her language. That was as recent as last night.

Here's my issue:
This morning my daughter approached me and said "Mommy? do i have to call Gloria mommy and you by your name?" I told her she could call us whatever she felt comfortable with. That passified her for about 2 minutes then she said "How come god made her my mommy too? She so mean all the time. I thought mommy's are supposed to be nice and love us?" and before i could answer she continued with "How come mommy-Gloria didn't want me as a baby and gave me to you and daddy?" I didn't know what to say. I told her we would talk about it after school. Well, school is almost over and I know for sure she is going to re-ask the question......

What do i say? Do I lie to protect her? To I tell the truth? I am not even sure I know the answer... any suggestions!?

[tiff78g]

Wow.  I have a four year old and I am certain she would be asking the exact same questions, and at that age, they expect a good answer.  Have you spoken to your husband about how to answer?  I would sit down together and have your answers prepared as much as possible.  At four I believe my daughter understands very well, and I know for certain she remembers everything.  Obviously you have to be careful what you say, as she is her mother, but anyone can be a mother, YOU are her mom.  Good luck with this situation.

Tiffiny

[DustyL]

thanks for your support! Yeah we talked about it and he is just as nervous as I... we have to be careful because naturally she may repeat it and we don't need to happen if we fabercate... i just don't know what to do. I knew this day would come... I just didn't expect it so soon =[

[nikki827]

I feel for you, and YOUR daughter. If she is as mature as she seems then tell her the truth. She seems to be making her own decisions as far as MOM is concerned. I pray that everyhting will work out and the courts will see who has truly been the mommy for that little girl. The statement "any guy can be a father but it takes a Man to be a dad" or maybe thats backwards. Anyway us Moms should get a saying as well and it should start with you. You are genuinely a mom. Good luck and God bless

[peskysmom]

The few things that I can recomend that you do is write EVERYTHING down.  Everytime she calls and even if you can record the conversations with her "MOM" (a name that should be reserved for you) talk to your lawyer about the legalities of that.  Just tell her the age appropriate answers to her questions.

Hope this helps,  Good Luck

[RockRose]

Dusty,   this is so hard.  I think you should be sort of honest,  but not say too much.  Like,  your mother has problems.  She really loves you and is trying to do the best that she can,  but she has a lot of personal problems.  I thank God that He gave you to us,  because we love you forever."  I don't know,  something like that.  

God bless you for caring so much.

[DustyL]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. As an update... just as suspected that was the 1st thing she said when we got home. Me and her father talked her to and lightly told her the truth. We somewhat limited it to only what we asked, but for now she seemed content with the answers. Thank you all again for your words of encouragement!!!!