Re: Realistic Gulit?

Posted By HVM Ph.D. - KDK on January 21, 1999 at 08:10:06:

In Reply to: Realistic Gulit? posted by Anne on January 20, 1999 at 19:28:20:






I am currently a college student and single mother. I attend college 2 days a week, Tuesday and Thursday about 2 hours from my parents home. while I'm in school my parents watch my 1 year-old daughter.  Usually I stay in the town I attend school at from Tuesday to Thursday afternoon at which time I go back to my daughter. So the problem is, I am away from her 2 1/2 days a week. I don't know anything else to do in order to be able to go to school, but I fel like I'm being a terrible mom.  My daughter is the apple of her grandpa's eye and I KNOW she's not lacking appropriate care in that respect at all.  But I worry that i'm irreversibly doing something that will harm her.
She always knows me and perfers me to others,and acts happy to see me and never acts sullen or withdrawn--she's a very happy baby.  But I can't help but to be guilty.  Honestly, is this too long to be away form daughter each week?



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Dear Anne,
In many dimensions of parenting we encounter the ideal situation vs. the necessary, but less-than-ideal, situation. Proably few, if any, would assert that to be away from a one-year-old for two and one-half days each week is ideal. But, at the same time, it is not necessarily harmful. "The proof is in the pudding." Take your cues from your daughter - from what you say, she appears to be a happy child and is developing well. In many families, grandparents serve as surrogate parents, for all practical purposes. That is certainly the case with your parents. Remember - the most imprtant consideration is the quality of care your daughter is receiving and the consistency of the parenting persons. It is crucial during the early several years of a child's life that the child and parent develop a sound attachment (i.e., bond) - this is the crucial building block, if you will, for all relationships. And your description indicates that the attachment between you and your daughter is sound. Your daughter is receiving good care, from what you say, from consistent persons - you and her grandparents.
And she seems to be thriving as a result. Just the fact that you're sensitive to this issue indicates that you are attuned to your daughter's needs. We only feel guilty if we think we're doing something wrong. But, you're not doing something wrong - so there's no need to feel guilty. You're making a choice in the long-term interests of you and your daughter. That is not a bad thing. You have made a responsible arrangement for your daughter's care during the times of your absence. In so doing, you are taking care of her, even in your absence.
Now, my last comments may not be required, but I'm going to send them along for your consideration. As your daughter proceeds into her second year, she will be more mobile and will require some sound limit-setting. It is important that you and her grandparents set appropriate limits. Many parents in your situation fail to do this because of a sense of guilt, and many grandparents fail to do this because they're 'being grandparents'. But your grandparents don't have the luxury, if you will, of spoiling their granddaughter - they are surrogate parents and will need to be as vigilant about limit-setting as they are about nurturance.
This information is provided for general medical education purposes only. Please consult your physician for diagnostic and treatment options pertaining to your specific medical condition.
*Keyword: single parent