Reported child sex abuse, now cut off from family

[Vogue32]

Hi, I'm a grandmother who reported child sex abuse by my son-in-law toward my grandson. I reported to the police, because the child welfare system in my area is useless. Anywhere from 5 to 10 children die while in care every year, mostly Native kids (my son-in-law is Mexican and my grandson looks Native because of that heritage) and natural relatives are barred from obtaining any information once a child has been apprehended. I witnessed my son-in-law "playing" with his son's genitals. The first time, I was so shocked, I rebuked him openly. He just shrugged and said "in my country is normal.' He is from Mexico. My daughter was present with the next newborn, but she just looked away. We were outside, so my son-in-law just got up and ran into the house. I didn't see anything else untoward for about a year, but my daughter made it difficult for me to come visit, so I saw very little of them anyway. When she went back to work after maternity leave for this second child, my son-in-law's mother came to take care of both boys until my daughter could find two places for them at the same daycare. (I won't get into her "care" of the boys, except to note that the few times I did go over, the older boy - 3 at the time -- complained about doing nothing all day but watch TV) I did get to see the boys infrequently and noticed the older boy had suddenly become very shy and withdrawn. About 1.5 years ago, the other mother-in-law was still there, but about to leave to go back home. That night, my son-in-law made a sexually loaded overture to the older boy. The older boy had spilled juice on his shirt and took it off because it was wet. My son-in-law was sitting on the floor close to him and leaned in to say, "oh, (boy's name), you're so sexy" and leered at him in a very sexual way. My grandson was 3+ at the time; he frowned and jerked away and back from his father. About an hour  later, my son-in-law "played" with the baby's genitals. My daughter called from upstairs for him to check the baby's diaper. He poked his finger in the back of the diaper, noted and told her the baby was clean, withdrew his finger and then re-inserted it in the front and tickled his genitals.My daughter came downstairs, went straight to the car to get it started to drive me home. When I said good-bye to my older grandson, he clung to me, both arms and both legs wrapped around me, crying and saying repeatedly, "I don't want you to go." The son-in-law and his mother just stared at me, and looked at each other then back at me. I set him down to go to his other grandmother. I agonized over this for about a week, then confronted my daughter when we were alone together. She said, "I know, I've been trying to get him to stop." I tried to warn her, without success, that if a third party (not a family member) reported child sex abuse, she could be included in the charges. I didn't do a very good job of this, as she just got angry at me. I saw the boys again about a month later at Christmas, and the shyness and withdrawal of the older boy was so pronounced, he refused to come out of his room, until food was being served. I happened to be alone for about 2 hours a week or so later with my daughter's boys and two other little girls who were over for a visit. My oldest grandson was wrestling with the younger girl, and then straddled her between her legs and began to rock back and forth. I tried to make light of it and asked what he was doing. He said he was exercising her. I picked him up off her and said, oh, let's play something else. He was extremely distraught at being interrupted and began to cry and get angry. I managed to distract all of them by getting out some toys. My daughter again made it very difficult for me to come visit, and I was by this time, going through a two-week cycle of not sleeping (waking in the middle of the night, deer in the headlights, etc unable to fall back to sleep), then "deciding" to report, which would bring a few nights' sleep, then not sleeping again. The other complication with my daughter's situation is that her husband is cruel verbally -- criticizes her, calls her names, ridicules, undermines her to the point where she consults him about what she wears. He had hit her once that I know of; they went for counselling to a counsellor who was also an immigrant. This man told my son-in-law straight up that in our country, men are simply not allowed to hit their wives. My daughter has never told me he hit her again, but she often flinches when he pretends to, as a "joke." After my last visit to their home, about  a year ago, I agonized for about a month over the situation. I felt my daughter was in an abusive relationship and that the boys were both being abused. I couldn't live with the pressure of knowing this, so I called the local police. A female officer came to my home, took my complaint, was very sensitive and concerned, and told me the process was to take this report to a joint committee comprised of social workers and police officers to determine if they could move forward with this. About two weeks later, the police department called to say there wasn't sufficient evidence to move forward with a charge. They also will not disclose any details of this, even to the complainant, but the kicker is that my son-in-law is very socially adept -- the Mexican version of a good ol' boy -- and can charm anybody. Did he charm the police officers? I'll never know. About two weeks after that, my daughter called, very angry to ask if I'd reported her husband to the police, because two officers had come to talk to him about my complaint. I'm not a good liar and confessed after a few pointed questions that I had been the one to report him. She accused me of being a threat to her family (sounds like her husband's turn of phrase), and has only permitted me to see the boys twice since then, on birthdays. In retrospect, I know I should have lied when she asked me that, but I've never lied to my kids and was caught off guard. She now has another child, a girl, whom I've only seen in Facebook pictures, and am starting the sleepless nights again. I've tried to reconnect with her via email, to heal the rift, without success. I'm not second guessing my decision to report -- I know what I saw and there is no doubt that he was sexually inappropriate with both boys. But because I couldn't lie to my daughter, I'm now persona non grata and have no access. I've tried to get my sister who professes to have a good relationship with my daughter to stay in contact and be a resource, but she is dealing with her own very deep issues and frequently lies about whether or not she even sees my daughter. The other mother-in-law is now living with them again, I don't know for how long this time. I feel completely alone in all this, and now am concerned that without access, I have no ability to even demonstrate to my grandchildren that there are people in the world who aren't like daddy. I'm concerned as well that my daughter is in an abusive relationship and needs support, but at least she's an adult. I'm still incensed that with all the adults in my grandson's life, no one had the courage to try to stop this. The irony is that the one who did -- me -- is now cut off. I'm depressed and lonely over this. I haven't been able to talk to anyone, have no money for therapy (rent poor -- my other daughter and another sister help me with food). Any suggestions?

[RockRose]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

God bless..

[ducktapetherapy]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear all of this. It's encouraging that you are doing what you can to protect them. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. Have you considered talking to a professional, maybe a counselor?

~Ducktapetherapy77

[Vogue32]

Thanks for the support. It really means a lot to me.

[specialmom]

Oh, sounds horrible. I can feel your pain in your post.  I would still call child protective services.  I would still allow them to begin their own investigation.  At least have them sufficiently put on the radar of protective services.  I find it hard to have much empathy for your daughter.  Bringing three kids into what sounds to be a horrible home with a crazy man at the head.  But those children deserve better.  Tell CPS what you saw whether you think they are useless or not.  

You've done all you can.  He sounds evil.  And yes, I feel horrible for those kids.  Sweet innocence lost by a sicko.  You've tried to protect them.  You have to just accept that.  good luck