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Rude adult step children
My husband's daughter in law( who is my step daughter since his wife passed--we married three years after the death of his first wife) wrote an email to my husband requesting him to discontinue sending her gifts for her birthday and further informing him that he would only be able to see his grandchildren on a limited basis because he has done an un named act that has upset his in-laws, but of course, since he is the father of her husband, visits would be arranged. My husband continues to have cordial, jovial relation with all of his inlaws. My husband is a moral man. He was a great provider for his children and is extremely proud of his children. He has been through the death of his first wife, the loss of his mother from Parkinson's and now we together provide care for his father who is in early stages of dementia. He has a good relationship with his oldest sister. His younger brother and sister who are ten years his junior are free spirits. The sister does not have a steady job although is working toward and career and the brother is an alcoholic who has cut himself from the family. My father in law is a recovered alcoholic. In spite of all of this, my husband has been able to sustain relationships that hold boundaries and has been able to navigate the complexity of caring for his father with two other siblings who live in two other states. He is kind, funny, health conscious, holds a steady, professional job and again, I repeat moral.
This is my first marriage. I married at 54 years of age. My family history includes a grandfather who remarried, a father who criticized his siblings and seldom arranged gatherings with them. He lost his mother in his mid-30's as a father of three as did my husband's son. I have a sister in law who is critical of my father. She is the product of divorced parents. They divorced the year that she started college. We are a family who gathers regularly, correspond for holidays and birthdays and are supportive of each other. We work very hard. I am the least successful of the three siblings while at that, hold a master's level degree and retirement investment.
When we were invited by his son to stay an evening with the grandchildren, the daughter in law commenced to exhibit a silent treatment to both my husband and I. Since then, efforts to visit the family has been met with a crisis from the daughter in law from being ill, gone, lice, running out of gas on a ski boat, drinking in excess and 'taking a break' in a city park to alleviate a hangover while the rest of the family gathered for a post wedding party--incidentally, her youngest daughter was lost during this out door event-- and frequent cancelling of arranged visits. When she is there, she is complaining about her 'horrible job' or demanding attention from my husband's son. They spend time in town with another son, but do not extend calls or visit us. They have been in our home once since we have been married. I have made it clear on several occasions that they are welcome. I always extend greetings and small talk when we are in gatherings, although this is difficult I work very hard to take the high road.
This daughter in law lived for an extended period of time with her grandparents who are both now deceased. The grandfather was a heavy drinker but was admired by my husband's son and the daughter in law because he was a craftsman and gardener. Both she and my husband's son have had alcohol on their breath at our visits--I'm assuming 1-2 beers. She has no contact with her father. Her mother remarried an older man who has since passed. The mother has had a stroke now and is living in an elder care institution even though she is only in her sixties. She has alienated her siblings per our daughter in law and has presented to my husband's family with quite erratic behavior.
The daughter in law is a social worker. She presents in groups as highly critical of many people and situations that they have chosen in life. She has not been observed initiating conversation unless it is a loaded, suggested criticism during my family visits. She speaks to my father in law as if he were a helpless child and makes erroneous suggestions such as having a dog for company when he is clearly unable to care for a dog in his home and forwards home delivered meals when he does not initiate the preparation of them.
In spite of this chaos, the children are intelligent, loving souls.
My husband is thankful that the parents have provided a good, seemingly stable environment for the children, yet is heart broken that he has such limited contact with his grand children and distant conversation wit his son as well as no communication and intentional avoidance from his daughter in law in family gatherings.
I have recently shared with him that I need to expand my circle of friends and community commitments beyond the family fold. He is supportive and trying to do the same with me. We are both heart broken over this difficulty and are at a loss for how to amend it. ANY suggestions are sincerely welcome. Thank you from both of us.
This is my first marriage. I married at 54 years of age. My family history includes a grandfather who remarried, a father who criticized his siblings and seldom arranged gatherings with them. He lost his mother in his mid-30's as a father of three as did my husband's son. I have a sister in law who is critical of my father. She is the product of divorced parents. They divorced the year that she started college. We are a family who gathers regularly, correspond for holidays and birthdays and are supportive of each other. We work very hard. I am the least successful of the three siblings while at that, hold a master's level degree and retirement investment.
When we were invited by his son to stay an evening with the grandchildren, the daughter in law commenced to exhibit a silent treatment to both my husband and I. Since then, efforts to visit the family has been met with a crisis from the daughter in law from being ill, gone, lice, running out of gas on a ski boat, drinking in excess and 'taking a break' in a city park to alleviate a hangover while the rest of the family gathered for a post wedding party--incidentally, her youngest daughter was lost during this out door event-- and frequent cancelling of arranged visits. When she is there, she is complaining about her 'horrible job' or demanding attention from my husband's son. They spend time in town with another son, but do not extend calls or visit us. They have been in our home once since we have been married. I have made it clear on several occasions that they are welcome. I always extend greetings and small talk when we are in gatherings, although this is difficult I work very hard to take the high road.
This daughter in law lived for an extended period of time with her grandparents who are both now deceased. The grandfather was a heavy drinker but was admired by my husband's son and the daughter in law because he was a craftsman and gardener. Both she and my husband's son have had alcohol on their breath at our visits--I'm assuming 1-2 beers. She has no contact with her father. Her mother remarried an older man who has since passed. The mother has had a stroke now and is living in an elder care institution even though she is only in her sixties. She has alienated her siblings per our daughter in law and has presented to my husband's family with quite erratic behavior.
The daughter in law is a social worker. She presents in groups as highly critical of many people and situations that they have chosen in life. She has not been observed initiating conversation unless it is a loaded, suggested criticism during my family visits. She speaks to my father in law as if he were a helpless child and makes erroneous suggestions such as having a dog for company when he is clearly unable to care for a dog in his home and forwards home delivered meals when he does not initiate the preparation of them.
In spite of this chaos, the children are intelligent, loving souls.
My husband is thankful that the parents have provided a good, seemingly stable environment for the children, yet is heart broken that he has such limited contact with his grand children and distant conversation wit his son as well as no communication and intentional avoidance from his daughter in law in family gatherings.
I have recently shared with him that I need to expand my circle of friends and community commitments beyond the family fold. He is supportive and trying to do the same with me. We are both heart broken over this difficulty and are at a loss for how to amend it. ANY suggestions are sincerely welcome. Thank you from both of us.
My husband was totally blindsided by this behavior. It started after he announced to them that he was dating me and that he was serious. Somehow, the son believes that he should have been given decisionmaking rights as to whether his father chose to do this. Additionally, prior to his mother's passing, she had gone during the week for 2-3 days to care for their young family. The son states that his father made no effort to join in this. My husband was not able to do this because he was working and they had alot of medical bills due to his wife's medical condition, whereas the deceased wife had retired. Taking into consideration the long history with the daughter in law of which his deceased wife and he joined and agreed upon as to their skepticism regarding the union. They were not invited to the first wedding. They were invited to the wedding at the Catholic church--
We have learned some things, while changing the distancing behavior of the son is futile, we have decided to remain open to face to face dialogue after informing him of our plans to be in town when he is ready to be civil. Otherwise, my husband will continue contact with email/phone as appropriate whether it is acknowledged or not.
We have discussed an alternate solution to holiday remembrances with family where we arrange with the individual families with us on alternate dates rather than to hope for the traditional large family gathering at Christmas where we have been traditionally included.
Sorry about how mixed up this affair is and thanks for the advice and support. If you have anymore please share. Thanks.
We have learned some things, while changing the distancing behavior of the son is futile, we have decided to remain open to face to face dialogue after informing him of our plans to be in town when he is ready to be civil. Otherwise, my husband will continue contact with email/phone as appropriate whether it is acknowledged or not.
We have discussed an alternate solution to holiday remembrances with family where we arrange with the individual families with us on alternate dates rather than to hope for the traditional large family gathering at Christmas where we have been traditionally included.
Sorry about how mixed up this affair is and thanks for the advice and support. If you have anymore please share. Thanks.
I don't know what else to say, except there is a reason and no one is telling you what it is, for some reason.
The cause of her anger (and his disinterest in smoothing things over) may not be rational, but there is a reason, and it may go back to the son's childhood.
And my guess is, the other brother and his wife who attended the last gathering with them also know what it is.
Yesterday I had lunch with several friends and this topic came up. Two of the women had estranged children. They were blindsided by it - but I'm not, and the other women in the room weren't blindsided either. We know each other well and we saw this coming a mile off.
These things don't happen out of the blue - they have root causes, however petty and misdirected those feelings may be that caused this.
My advice to your husband is that he humbly ask one of his other kids what the cause of this rift is, and how he can try to smooth it over. They all know.
The cause of her anger (and his disinterest in smoothing things over) may not be rational, but there is a reason, and it may go back to the son's childhood.
And my guess is, the other brother and his wife who attended the last gathering with them also know what it is.
Yesterday I had lunch with several friends and this topic came up. Two of the women had estranged children. They were blindsided by it - but I'm not, and the other women in the room weren't blindsided either. We know each other well and we saw this coming a mile off.
These things don't happen out of the blue - they have root causes, however petty and misdirected those feelings may be that caused this.
My advice to your husband is that he humbly ask one of his other kids what the cause of this rift is, and how he can try to smooth it over. They all know.
I'm happy for the great relationship that you have with your 3 adult sons. My husband and his deceased wife have raised five children who have learned to be independent of their parental guidance/financial support and for that he is thankful.
His daughter-in-law on the other hand has done nothing but openly criticize human behavior of all kinds. She practices silent treatment with my husband and at one point stated to him that she hates him. She has done this 'cutting off' with another child of my husband as well--with no explanation for either. My husband has a great relationship with four of his children. This son does not advocate for his father. This son has not made statements like her. The last conversation included statements of affection --i.e. I love you, however when the last gathering was planned, the statement was made that they would not be there if we were also present, so, two sons and their children gathered while two daughters were not invited. The other son lives states away.
My husband is appreciative of what I try to do to keep family going, yet I realize that I cannot negotiate peace in the role of 'step-mom', I can only act peace which I continue to be intentional around. It's just so difficult and so hurtful.
His daughter-in-law on the other hand has done nothing but openly criticize human behavior of all kinds. She practices silent treatment with my husband and at one point stated to him that she hates him. She has done this 'cutting off' with another child of my husband as well--with no explanation for either. My husband has a great relationship with four of his children. This son does not advocate for his father. This son has not made statements like her. The last conversation included statements of affection --i.e. I love you, however when the last gathering was planned, the statement was made that they would not be there if we were also present, so, two sons and their children gathered while two daughters were not invited. The other son lives states away.
My husband is appreciative of what I try to do to keep family going, yet I realize that I cannot negotiate peace in the role of 'step-mom', I can only act peace which I continue to be intentional around. It's just so difficult and so hurtful.
Inpieces, I really don't understand this. Maybe it's because I have a REALLY great relationship with all my 3 adult sons, I can't imagine any of them not clueing me into something that was done to alienate the inlaws. If I did something to distance them, my sons would tell me. They would also tell me if their partner was off-base and I had not done anything wrong at all.
It seems to me that his son has no desire/power to include his dad. That may be because they already had a very damaged relationship and it's not worth alienating his wife to take his dad's side in this.
Best wishes.
It seems to me that his son has no desire/power to include his dad. That may be because they already had a very damaged relationship and it's not worth alienating his wife to take his dad's side in this.
Best wishes.
To say the least. We just don't want to make things about ourselves and ruin what relationship there is with the grandchildren--we are making headway and I may at some point be able to convince my husband of getting some practical advice in this matter. We have seen the grandchildren all of two times since Christmas. There are not phone calls unless my husband initiates them. There are no emails or facebook updates. It is strained and yes we are in knots.
It sounds like she is a difficult person (with your husband and others too). The part that is confusing is that it sounds like the two of you have made this into a heavy, heavy burden. Why? You just sound so tied into knots over it. If you have "discussed the very things repeatedly" with each other but aren't getting anywhere as far as learning to detach, talk to a professional.
We are as confused. My husband has been reaching out for months. The children continue to be occupied. It is very hurtful and are searching for people who have been through some similar things to learn some strategies to keep moving on in life.
We understand all that you have shared and have discussed the very things repeatedly. Thanks for the validation, it just gets heavy at times.
I had a very difficult time following what all is going on here, and who all is upset at whom and who wouldn't benefit from getting a dog.
That said, I think your husband should ask his son what it is your husband has done to upset his wife's family, if anything.
That said, I think your husband should ask his son what it is your husband has done to upset his wife's family, if anything.
You say your daughter-in-law is very unpleasant to your husband, but that the kids are doing well and she does not limit their attendance at family events because he has the right, as their grandfather, to see them. You also say your husband "is heart broken that he has ... no communication and intentional avoidance from his daughter in law in family gatherings." Frankly, if she is that unpleasant, in your husband's shoes, I would be delighted if she avoided me at family events. Why should your husband care if someone who is critical and painful to be around talks to him? I would avoid her at family parties, myself.
By the length of your post it is clear that this whole situation bothers you excessively, even though all you have described is that she is unpleasant and does unpleasant things. Please keep in mind that by the standards of difficult relationships between in-laws, she is actually being more pleasant than many. At least she has not told her husband that he and the kids can't come to the gatherings.
I suggest you see a family therapist and work out ways to stop giving her so much power. She is, after all, only be a minor irritant in your life. It does not sound like she is hurting your husband's image in the family. She feels the way she feels and acts the way she acts -- no matter how much you think she should acknowledge how moral your husband is, she won't. All you are going to do is tie yourself into emotional knots if you try to change another person, you are much better off learning to change how you react. In short, disengage. She can only hurt you if you let her.
Your husband and his son might also get together now and then for a cup of coffee and just to chat. That way, he won't suffer from feeling distant from his son. Or if they live too far apart, they should talk often on the phone. Not about his grievances over the son's wife!! just about daily things, and friendly talk. This way your son will have the feeling of refuge in his relationship with his dad that he should have, and they will be able to maintain their closeness.
By the length of your post it is clear that this whole situation bothers you excessively, even though all you have described is that she is unpleasant and does unpleasant things. Please keep in mind that by the standards of difficult relationships between in-laws, she is actually being more pleasant than many. At least she has not told her husband that he and the kids can't come to the gatherings.
I suggest you see a family therapist and work out ways to stop giving her so much power. She is, after all, only be a minor irritant in your life. It does not sound like she is hurting your husband's image in the family. She feels the way she feels and acts the way she acts -- no matter how much you think she should acknowledge how moral your husband is, she won't. All you are going to do is tie yourself into emotional knots if you try to change another person, you are much better off learning to change how you react. In short, disengage. She can only hurt you if you let her.
Your husband and his son might also get together now and then for a cup of coffee and just to chat. That way, he won't suffer from feeling distant from his son. Or if they live too far apart, they should talk often on the phone. Not about his grievances over the son's wife!! just about daily things, and friendly talk. This way your son will have the feeling of refuge in his relationship with his dad that he should have, and they will be able to maintain their closeness.
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