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STEPMOM FRUSTERATED
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STEPMOM FRUSTERATED

Almost a year ago my husband has got his daughter Brianna very other week for 7 day then her mom gets her 7 days. Well the thing is when we have Brainna I do everything from taking her to the doctor to going to meet her teacher and I dont have a problem with it until her mom decided that I can do all of this on her week also.  Now me and my husband do not ask her for anything when we have her. Her mom is always telling us that she doesnt have money for clothes, shoes and also school supplies before it started.  So I went out and bought all of Brianna school supplies but I told my husband that we cant afford to buy clothes for her house because we already have to do it here. She also feels that I should get Brianna on and off the bus everyday even when it is her responiblity to take care of it. She said that I should because I already get my son on the bus. I am starting to feel like a babysitter instead of her stepmom.
When I was getting Bri on and off the bus she would drop her off at 7 the bus would come until almost 9 and she wouldnt pick her up from 1 to 4 hours after Bri was off the bus. And she would get mad when I call her to come pick Bri up. She has never once  thanked me and that really pisses me off.
So my husband told bri mom that she would have to find someone else to do it. She got so pissed that she called my mother in law and her boyfriend bitching about me and what a ***** i am because i wont get bri on and off the bus. So I called her and needless to say it wasnt pretty.

So I am wrong for her to take care of bri on the weeks that she has her................please let me know
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282524_tn?1348492612
Also her mom is threating to take my husband to court because she only wants Bri with us every other weekend. But she still wants help taking care of her. Makes know sense.

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13167_tn?1327197724
Is Brianna a sweet child that is nice to have around?

Think of what a gift you are to this girl,  and how disrupted her life is with all this going back and forth and now being taken off the bus by some other new person.  Although you have to go out of your way to do extra for her,  when you're old she may remember all this care you taught her to give.

And I bet it would make your husband happy happy happy if his wife treated his daughter like more than just a chore.

Best wishes.

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282524_tn?1348492612
I dont treat her like a chore i just want her mother  to take care of her daughter when it is her week. I do have 2 other childern. If you had to put up with this women u would feel the same way.
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13167_tn?1327197724
I would feel the same way,  Rebbecca,  but I think I would act differently.

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13167_tn?1327197724
A couple other thoughts,  and then I'll leave you in peace because I know hearing this is irritating,  but really,  it's worth hearing this perspective Rebbecca.


You say you are being treated like a babysitter and you want to be treated like a stepmom.  It's exactly the opposite - you are being treated like this child's mother,  and you want to be treated like a babysitter.  Under contract for a certain period of time,  and you don't want to give away any more of your time "for free".  That's fine for a babysitter to feel that way,  but not the mom.  

I don't know what your family dynamic is,  but are your other two children your husbands also,  or is one or both only yours?  Are you a stay at home mom?  If your husband is providing you with this blessing of being able to stay at home with your children,  it seems only fair that you extend that caring to his child.  

Think of how you would feel if this were reversed,  and your husband was saying he doesn't want your children there except every other week,  and that's it,  they're not welcome.   Your children have a "home".  This girl doesn't,  she has lease space in two different houses on alternating weeks,  and neither of you - her mother or yourself - are willing to treat her like their daughter,  just like a lease car they have 1/2 time.

I really wish you well,  I know you will think I'm whack,  but I think your perspective is selfish.
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282524_tn?1348492612
NO I dont want to be treated like a babysitter. I want her mother to take care of her as much as I do it is only right. If we have bri all the time I feel that she should live with us if not her mom should take care of her like i do when me and my husband have her.
Yes my other childern are my husbands and we dont treat Bri any different then we treat them. And I also do thing with Bri that I dont always do with my other childern just to make her feel more at home. shopping, getting our hair done, just little things.
And I think her mother is selfish because everything is more inportant. She seems to only have time for herself, maybe my husband should have pick a better person to have a child with.
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13167_tn?1327197724
This really isn't about what is right,  Rebbecca.  This is about what this child needs,  and the resources she has to get her needs met.  Yes you do treat Brianna differently from your own children - your own children are welcome at your home all the time,  and you would jump over barrels to make sure they have clean nice clothing to wear.  She's welcome one week on and one week off,  and you won't even get her from the bus stop when you get your own kids,  and even though she needs clothes at her mother's house,  you and your husband won't buy them.  

Yes,  her mother is not responsible.  Yes,  she only has time for herself.  Yes,  your husband should have picked a good woman to marry and make a baby with and not have this chaos in this child's lfe.  But he didn't.  He went off and married you and made a new family that she is welcome to visit one week on and one week off.

Yes,  you are a better mother than she is and she is failing her responsibilities.  Why does Brianna have to pay for that because you hate her mother?
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154929_tn?1196191338
Here is a thought document all the time the mom drops her off early, and then does not pick her up late--and when she takes your husband to court you have proof of how much time the daughter actually spends with her mom...maybe you and your husband could then have full custody of bri and her mom only gets her on weekends and maybe special time.. just a thought..that way Bri will know where her life is actually at--the house that has a stable environment.
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282524_tn?1348492612
I never said I hated her mother I just dont agree with the things that she does with Bri. I think it would be different if Bri lived with us full time. But I am her stepmom and Bri makes that very clear to me and thats ok cause think that her relationship with her mom should be stronger.
We do buy clothes, shoes and everything elses that she needs when she is here but we also have 2 other childern to buy for and we cant afford it. If her mom cant afford to get Bri the things that she needs maybe she shouldnt have Bri but on weekends.
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282524_tn?1348492612
Thats a very good idea thank you
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Avatar_f_tn
I just want to say YOUR RIGHT, geez, RockRose is all over the boards causing more problems than needed..Everythings an argument, so just forget what shes started, you dont need any more problems,SHES LIKE A KID HERSELF....
Anyways, I do agree that it is unfair that you are doing all of the work, caring for ALL 3 kids, and not getting the same respect from the other side. But when mothers act irresponsibly and jealous, this is how they treat not only the "other" mother, but sadly the child/children too. It is a terrible that Bri has to suffer so much from her mother that she is trying to get the love from, but mothers are gold in childrens eyes. You are doing a wonderful thing in caring for her, and it is your right to excpect that the mother care as much as you do. Sadly though, I think her mother is bitter towards the positive things and wonderful family you have created, and she will only continue to do things at her daughters cost. I think your husband and you should either implament that the mother be responsible for her daughter when she has her, and that goes for clothing,food,activities,pick up and drop offs and etc, or she should be made to only have her daughter every other weekend. She is obviously not thinking of her own daughters safety when she leaves her by the bus stop for all those long hours by herself, its allmost a pathetic way to try to get you in trouble if anything was to happen to her. How old is Bri anyways? Whatever the age, if you and your husband have the room and agree, then maybe this irresponsible mom needs to not have her child for awhile until she can becaome responsible again. Good Luck and keep us posted!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Rebbecca.....

YOU SAY    "We do buy clothes, shoes and everything elses that she needs when she is here but we also have 2 other childern to buy for and we cant afford it"   What if..... Bri could stay with you forever full time?  Would you decline because "you cant afford it"?  

Did this mother suddenly become uncaring for her daughter and she was peaches and cream before you got married and had children with your husband?  Did you not see this coming?   Bri needs your financial support whether at home or at your home. You can easily ( to help with BRIs needs) buy her gently used nice things for her mothers house.  just think how wonderful she feels coming to your house with all the wonderful things you buy for her, then to go back to her mothers and not have that......she will continue to love her mother regardless of what she can buy her but, she will feel so much comfort having clothes and toys and such at her moms house, and thats what should be considered, BRIs well being and feelings.


You continue to say about the mother....... "its her responsibily"  and "i just want her to take care of her when its her week" ........You seem bitter to me, i know you say its towards the mother however you seem to take it out on Bri ( not directly but enough to effect her) to me its obvious.

Like.........  you are having someone else get Bri from the bus stop, because you werent
" thanked" and it wasnt your week.  ........(it effects her)..........

Why do you care if the mom doesnt come till late after school?  The longer Bri has with your stable family and love the better for Bri. It shouldnt annoy you but, you call and have her mother come pick her up...........(.it effects her..)........  i mean if she has to stay for dinner, cook her a darn dinner and if her mom wants to take her home...tell her she can wait inside or in the car till your family is done. If she gets pissed who cares...she shouldve been there on time.

Rebbecca you cannot change other people, only yourself.


You could make such a difference in her life. Try and adjust your life to make it better for Bri . Your in the position to do it

If her mother cant give her what she needs perhaps its time to get  full custody

She needs you.
.
Good Luck
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Maybe I am out to lunch here but I think a stepmom who is willing to have a child of a previous marriage with her more than half of the month is already proving to have a very kind heart. And if she has children of her own, she deserves to have some family time without her husband`s past. My son spends the occasional weekend with his dad and his new wife and I have always been amazed how generously she welcomes him into their new life. I do not take this for granted at all but feel blessed and would never impose more than a stepmom can take on their new family life becasue it was also the father`s choice to start a new life.
I would clearly separate the dad week and the mom week which would also force the biological mom to rearrange her life to accommodate Brianna`s needs rather than to shift to a change in custody. It is not always in the child`s interest to be torn away from her biological mother just becasue she may have cleaner clothes or more stability in the pther family. She may regret later that she never formed her own kind of relationship with her mother and whether she was well-groomed and taken care of may turn out to be utterly unimportant to her in the long run.
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Avatar_n_tn
i think its quite sad that her mom doesnt want to being doing that all herself and i think your a great person for doing it one day that girls going to ask why her step mom always picked her up and dropped her off to school and not her.....i have a step daughter also and i love her a ton iwill always be there for her and if her mom started acting that way id just be there for that little girl and treat her like my own really in the futur shes going to remember that you were the one making sure she was taken care of and not her mom and its sad that her mom let that happen for watever reasons
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286098_tn?1191023573
"Maybe I am out to lunch here but I think a stepmom who is willing to have a child of a previous marriage with her more than half of the month is already proving to have a very kind heart."

I'm sorry but that is what comes with the territory when you CHOOSE to marry someone who has a child.  It's not a dog, it's a child, an ectension of the man you married.  There ae no set rules.  Either you welcome the child into your home and heart or marry someone without kids.  When you marry somene with children you should be ready to have that child be with you FULL time at any point.  If that never happens and you're able to have time alone or away from that child then fine but you should assume the responsibility of being a new "mother" once you say I do, otherwise don't.

No one should get a gold star for **** what they ought to do.  Rockrose is right.  Either this woman loves her stepdaughter and wants to do whatever she can to help her or she doens't.  There are no set days and rules for parenting.  If this girl's mother isn't **** the right thing by her then it's the father's responsibility to pick up the slack and since she married him it's her job too.  If her chief complaint is that she shouldn't be doing those things on her week off and she wonders why he daughter doesn't live with them full time, then why doesn't the daughter live with them full time.

By the way, where is the father is all this?  I haven't heard him mentioned.  pErhaps he neds to "talk" to his ex instead of laying all of this on his current wife.
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Avatar_f_tn
Ok, I have noticed when it comes to a "step mom" stating her frustrations of having to do her job and the biological mother and fathers job as well, everyone wants to jump down her throat. I mean come on, I have read quite a few of these posts. Is it not any persons right to "expect" a little help and advice when they have a frustration about wanting someone else to help pull the load, especially if a biological parent does not seem to be pulling their own load. Look, when people have kids, there are supposed to be responsible, but most are not. Then you have "step parents" that step in and help to love the child and take care of them, most often the kids dont "except" the step parent, and other times they do. But is it not reasonable to have a frustration  like any parent and write a post without getting shot down for all the work they are doing??  This woman has her owns kids and she is as accepting as she can be, she should not have to do anything at all during the mothers week. Why enable the mother? The biological mother needs to grow up and be responsible for her own child. This woman does not say that she doesnt love this child, she just states that she shouldnt have to do everything, when the childs mother is out there twiddling her thumbs in anger. Please dont "jump on the band wagon" and start "shooting down step parents. Often step parents are the reason that a child is loved. Love is not a comparison, just because she asks suggestions on how to get the mother to be responsible, does not mean she does not love the child. Geez, what about the great things she is doing for this girl?? there is no love or no love situations going on. Wake up people and stop putting down the step parents..Im going to start a step parent forum so all of those who are step parents and dont want to get bashed for what they do, can come over and get non judgemental advice. For those who actually gave good advice, keep it up. No one should feel bad for trying to make a right...Thank you

PS. rebbecca
You are totally right in your thoughts, it is ok to expect the mother to take care of her own child when she has her, and if she does not, then maybe it is time to step in and change the times Bri is with the mother. Hopefully it will work out for the best, the main point is the childs well being and you are doing a good job, maybe you can ask Bri what she would like..Good day..
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi there,  first of all let me say that I'm not going to bash you, just add a few things to think about.  I am also a step-mom as well as a biological mom, plus a family therapist, so I have some experience here.  I do think that you are wonderful for all that you do for Bri.  Although a child may express to you their devotion to their biological parent, that does not mean that they love you less.  Most children of divorce, because of being pulled this way or that by their parents, do not realize that another "mom" does not mean that someone has to get loved less, their heart just makes the room.  Your picking up bio mom's slack may be frustrating, and seem unappreciated, but let me tell you that Bri will remember it and appreciate it, maybe not next year, but she will.  Right now she is trying to make any excuse in her head for why mom is not doing things for her, why she is picking her up late, etc.  It is important for her to believe that mom loves her unconditionally.  Although you may see things differently for her, realize that you can make this little girl's turmoil ease up a bit.  Yes, by you picking her up and acting as if you don't mind doing it it may overshadow the fact that mom isn't doing it.  But that's okay, bri will grow up remembering who was always there, no need to tell her, she knows, she just needs to believe in her mom right now.  You have the unique position of helping her to have a more wonderful little life.  When you look into her future she can either be suffering from feeling as if she wasn't loved by a mother figure, or she can have high self-esteem and feel loved and cared for because she is.  You have the power to help with this.  I know that it is soooo touch watching them run to their bio mom as if she is perfect when you know that you just rearranged your own week to pick up the pieces bio mom broke.  But look at the happiness in her eyes.  Whether it is directed towards you or anyone else, it is happiness and that is what counts.  Trust me when I say my son's bio mom is a real piece of work, caring way more about relationships with men than spending her weekends with her son, but he is getting older and is now seeing that and it breaks my heart.  What he also sees is that no matter what, he is loved, he is taken care of, both emotionally and physically, he always has a place in my heart, and because of that he can achieve a level of happiness that he wouldn't otherwise because he would second guess himself as to why he has a mom who doesn't care as much about him.  He gets all of the love and care in the world.  Good luck in your decision with how to handle this.  One more other quick point, please also look at the safety factor for bri, it is not good for any child to be waiting at a bus stop for the amount of time she is being left, that does concern me.  
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Avatar_n_tn
In the middle of all of this is Bri. I know that her mother tests your patience. In as nice of a manner that you can tolerate, you should deal with this. There is a sensitive little girl caught in the middle of this. If you love Bri and want the best for Bri, you should take care of Bri when her mom passes her off to you. Bri already knows that her mom doesn't care much for her or about her or she wouldn't do that kind of thing. The last thing she needs from you and her dad is to feel like a burden to you too. Children pick up quickly on the negative feelings and tension in their homes and find a way every time to blame themselves for what is going on. Bri needs you to have patience and enjoy the time you have with her. You are by far, from the way it sounds, the main female example in her life. Be her mother instead of step-mother and help her to build up the self-image that she lacks because of her very frustrating, awful mom.                          Kiwifruit
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282524_tn?1348492612
I just want to thank you for what u typed. Please let me know when you do start the stepmom forum. Because this is ********, I want someone to talk to about this not be bicthed at. Thank you again here4theinfo
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282524_tn?1348492612
I never said that I wanted a damn golden star. I am a mom and a stepmom and I do the best I can do for all of them. My husband is dealing with this just like I am. I wrote about this not him. I got in the agruement with Bri's mom not him and I wanted some feed back about the subject. And they each have custody of Bri so no I will not have Bri full time when her mom is sitting around with her thumb up her ***. I am sorry but this is how I feel.  
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282524_tn?1348492612
JUst to let you and everyone else know...... Bri has never ever been left by the bus stop by herself. I dont know where that came from but to just make that clear that has never happened. She is with me when she was getting on the bus at my house from 7 until 9 in the morning and from 4 until her mom decided to come get Bri.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi here is the keyword here , its not quite a forum,  just a post in this section, the page its on is page 1 still, there is a lady that is a therapist and she says she would like to help out too..Ok, sorry your having so much drama..heres the keyword..My step parent section..
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152852_tn?1205717026
Oh, please...please focus on the child and what's best for her.  Yes, what would be best is to have her mom more involved--no, scratch that...what would be best is if her parents had gotten along and not divorced and she didn't have all this new family dynamic stuff to deal with, but you can't change that.  And you can't change the fact that her mother isn't doing the right thing by her.  It's up to you to step up to the plate.  Like it or not, it's your obligation.  When you marry a man with a child, it's a package deal.  Surely you knew that.

I totally agree with RockRose.  She obviously struck a nerve, but she said nothing that was untrue.

Focus on the child.  The adults just have to deal with it and make it right for her.  She's an innocent party here--didn't ask to be born, didn't ask for her mother, didn't ask for two homes to be bounced back and forth between--she didn't ask for any of it. If one of the three adults in this situation isn't doing what's right, the other ones have to make up for it.
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282524_tn?1348492612
They were never married and Bri doesnt even remember them together. Me and her dad have been together for 4 years so its not like all of this just happened. And I dont have a problem with being a stepmom to bri. the damn problem is her mom wants everyone else to take care of her but for her to still keep joint custody.
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Avatar_f_tn
Sorry about the bus confusion...I think that I misunderstood the part where you said that her mom would drop her off 2 hours early and pick her up 1-4 hours later after the bus dropped her off...I missed the part about her dropping her with you.  
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Avatar_f_tn
rebbecca...........im sensing anger..., now you should, callllmly reread what YOU typed......

the feedback to you is based on what YOU typed ~YOUR story.....and thats what we are responding to......weather you meant it the way you typed it or not, this is what we are seeing.

i think if you basically wanted to just b**ch about the mom.....cool.... howwwwever, it comes across
as you are , yes ..pissed at her  (and rightfully so) but, rather then you being (imo) mature about your situation, its like your digging in your heels ....just to try and force this woman to be a good parent
all while it seems the only person it really affects is bri...

i visualize you .........stiff as a board,arms crossed,foot tapping and  neck swaying as you watch Bri get picked up from the bus stop by someone other then Dad,mom, or you.....while your thought bubble is reading  ......HA aaaa..Ha... i will teach her (bris mother)  to be a good mom.

as i posted earlier.....you cant change other people , you can only change yourself..........

im not saying you dont love or care for her.......you are just really pissed right now and i believe ...your thoughts are a bit cloudy...maybe not....

good luck to you and  the new "my step parent section"   ~hope you get what you need~ .



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Avatar_n_tn
I'm sorry for your frustration it is not easy being a step parent! I rasied my step daughter when she was young and she is now a mommy herself. I met her dad when she was only 5 yrs old at this time he had not had much to do with her for a few years but, was getting a relationship back with her the funny part is that her name is Breanna I can tell you that we had some of the same issues that you are having and I remember having the same frustration that you have now. I let go of the fact that her mother needed to take more responsibility and assumed the responsibility of being a mom to her also and I might add she never called me mom and I knew that she loved her mom I didn't try and replace her mother I only filled in where he mom couldn't and trust me the reward comes later in life when then get older and they come to you for help and guidence I was there for alot of her life and see and done many things with her just like a bio mom so she got the nurturing that she needed and trust me her mother did not like the fact that when she had boy troubles or just needed someone to talk to that it was not her mother that she went to and as time went on her mom started to see this taking place that her own child was going to another woman for things that she should get to exsperience and she did not get the chance and this was nothing that I did it was the childs choice, But, I will say that her mom started taking responsibility real quick but, it took her many years fo try and gain back what she had lost with her. Sometimes God puts situations in front of us to help with and if you look at this as so it will make things clear in what needs to be done god will only give you what you can handle. I have a step daughter now that is from a different mom that takes little responsibity but, yells whenever anyone tried to make the kids mind and the children lie to gain there mom's affection We have 12 children ranging from 20-7 so like I said I know your frustration and It keeps me up at night too so I don't want you to feel alone there are other mom's out there dealing with the same things we are. All I can say is time will tell and reverse the situation on her mother without disrupting the child is the only answer I can give you. While you may feel that her mother needs to be responsible and I agree, you cannot change her she has to change herself and the only way for her to do that is to have something happen to put  her in to a reality check. Go to a family couslor and ask that bri's mom go so that they can mediate the situation and figure out what is best for all of you. I wish you luck I know this is hard but, you sound like a good mom and I'll high five you for your efforts in helping this little one and stepping in where her mother doesn't! Good luck!
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195648_tn?1231815718
Maybe I am out to lunch here but I think a stepmom who is willing to have a child of a previous marriage with her more than half of the month is already proving to have a very kind heart. And if she has children of her own, she deserves to have some family time without her husband`s past.

YOU MARRY A MAN, YOU MARRY HIS CHILD.  That is the bottom line whether you have 2 other children or 20.
Rockrose is right.  This child needs certain things and if her mother can't give them to her, you should and not because you HAVE to but because you WANT to.  If she lived with you full time you would.
She is not a part time child, she is his full time daughter and i nchoosing this man to marry you, you chose his daughter as well.
Se should not want for anything just because it's not your week.  
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Avatar_n_tn
I think you are hurt because you do so much, and Bri doesnt appreciate you and love you as much as she loves her biological mother. This is the sad part of stepmothers lives - we will always be on the side. Their real mom- no matter how bad she is, she will be better :o(  I think you are right not letting them take advantage of you - both Bri and her mother. It is your husband job to deal with his ex-wife, not yours. He needs to put his foot down and say to her: you are either taking care of bri or she is moving in with us. Why? You are a family and some predictability. No more playing stupid games with you.
take care
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282524_tn?1348492612
soon bri will have a new sister her mom is due in the next few weeks, not upset about it i just feel bad 4 bri. her mom doesnt seem to have much time 4 her now and its only her and her brother at her moms. hopefully my husband bris dad will get full cusdity of her soon! thanks again for everyone chattin in!!!
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