Sending 9 yr old to bed without dinner

[BillyFL]

I've got a 9yr old son who has been very disrespectful to his mom (my wife) lately.  It has gotten to the point that I need to come home from work early to referee and back her up.  He will flat out tell her that he's not going to do what she says to do and he won't.  Her response has ranged from trying to talk it out, to screaming and smacking him.  Tonight I sent him to bed without dinner.  I told him if I can't work, our family can't eat, so nights that I have to come home from work due to his behavior, he gets no dinner.  His mom (my wife) disagrees with this, but nothing we've tried so far has made a lasting impression so I put my foot down and said this is how it will be tonight and I stuck to it.  Could this potentially do more harm than good for his behavior?  Much to my dismay, a couple hours and some calm talking later my wife gave in and brought him a sandwich, so now I'm wondering if that is even worse than just sticking with no dinner....

He's very intelligent and can be the nicest, sweetest, most helpful and kind hearted kid, but sometimes a switch flips and he becomes disrespectful, spiteful and mean.  His mom gets more of the attitude and a lot less respect than I do, and since he's a big and very physical kid she's stating to be scared of him.  She is more emotional and I'm more business, but he can be a stinker to me on occasion too.  We've tried everything we can think of; taking things away, time out, praising good behavior, talking it out, spanking, grounding, yelling, ignoring bad behavior, addressing bad behavior on the spot, seeing a therapist with my son (what a waste of time), seeing a therapist without my son (helped my wife, not my son), I need something new to try.  I know he's not the only kid to have ever behaved this way, if you have a similar kid please tell me some things that have worked for you.  

[BillyFL]

Thanks for the info, I will check out those books.  I don't think his behavior is related to being bored, but I will definitely check out those books.  He's got plenty to keep him entertained.  

He just finished 3rd grade (late starter due to his birthday) and is capable of finishing his homework quickly, but actually doing it is another issue all together.  The math is done in minutes, anything with English or writing is a struggle.  I was the same way, he probably inherited that from me, lol..  

Thanks!

[Sandman2]

   Thank you,  that is very helpful!
    I think the love and logic book will be an excellent fit for this situation.  The other one I tend to recommend is, "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.  It tells how to use the timeout system in detail.  You might want to also look at that, but I think due to his age Love an logic will be very helpful.
    I think one problem might be his intelligence.  He probably finishes his homework very fast.  Homework in 4th grade is pretty easy.   He probably is mostly done by the time he leaves school.   My guess is he gets home and soon is bored.   So what is he gonna do - electronics is perhaps his only choice?   Does he do any sports activities after school?  If not, its time to try them.  Or martial arts classes, etc.  
    I completely understand limiting his time on his electronics.  But have you changed the times lately or is he still on the times he had in 3rd grade?
Also you can use electronics as a reward situation.  He gets off when told and he gets a longer time the next day.  
    He is also at an age where there are some wonderful books out there "Hatchet"  by Paulsen I am sure would hook him.   Read a book for 30 min. earn time on his electronics.  
    Dang, gotta run to the airport.  Let me leave you with a good document.  It on Anger overload in children and how to deal with it.  While the first part deals with ADHD, starting about page 3 are excellent ideas.  The link is
        http://www.chadd.org/Portals/0/AM/Images/Understading/AUG01AngerOverloadinChildren-DiagnosticandTreatmentIssues.pdf
       Finally, for now.   Kids do need to be taught how to handle their anger.  There are a couple sets of books aimed at this age group.  One is, " How to Take the Grrrr Out of Anger" (Laugh And Learn). That and several more are found here - http://www.amazon.com/Take-Grrrr-Anger-Laugh-Learn/dp/1575421178/ref=pd_sim_b_7
          Another good set is the," Don't Rant and Rave on Wednesdays!" The Children's Anger-Control Book. That and others in the set are found here - http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Rant-Rave-Wednesdays-Anger-Control/dp/0933849540/ref=pd_sim_b_1
          Hope this helps.

[BillyFL]

Thanks I will check out that book.  

Overall he's a good kid.  When he's good he's great, but when things are bad they are really really bad.  To his credit, after things calm down, we can usually sit down and have a really mature calm conversation about everything that happened.  But at the time there is no reasoning.  He is an only kid, so despite our best efforts he has a little bit of the world revolves around him syndrome going on.  

He is mostly triggered by things not going the way he wants them to, and when he's tired the wants often aren't even logical.  Many arguments start over his iPod, TV time, etc...  He's only allowed to use it when his chores and homework are done, and he's on a strict time limit every day.  When time's up, regardless of what's happening, it gets turned off that second, otherwise he will ask for "one more minute" until the cows come home.  Him wanting more time, or wanting to use it when he's not allowed, or trying to sneak it is the source of endless arguments, which usually results in him loosing all privileges for between a day and a month, depending on whether he continues to argue after it is taken away.  At that point he's grumpy and disrespectful and it just goes down hill.  Or it's time to do a chore and if he's in a bad mood he might say "why don't you do it", or just "no I won't do it".  So then it's time out time, but sometimes he will refuse to go into timeout (too big and physical for my wife to drag him there anymore), which leads to arguments, which leads to more privileges being removed, yelling, screaming, slamming doors, and me having to come home from work and referee.  It can also start over simple things too.  My wife needs to run an errand and he doesn't want to go, or he wants to go somewhere but no one will take him.  He's the kid who will leave a game if he's not winning (very competitive), or try to change the rules to benefit himself, though this is getting better with age.  He also does not deal well with constructive criticism.  The soccer coach will try to correct something he's doing, and he will just pout and walk off the field.  Or during a game the soccer coach will give him an instruction and he might just ignore the coach if he doesn't agree with what the coach said.  This too is improving with age, but has been part of his personality since the beginning.  This isn't 100% of the time, and as with most kids it's 10x worse when he's tired.  When he's playing with his friends he wants things to go his way, so he gets along great with kids who go with the flow, but butts heads with kids who challenge him.  Fortunately he has been choosing smart and well behaved kids to be his friends and doesn't like kids who are behavior problems at school.  

In school, 98% of the time he's a model student.  He's very intelligent, teachers love him, he's the teachers helper and even helps to teach other kids math (he's very advanced in math/science), and he has brought home good behavior awards.  We had one incident a couple months ago where he was in a bad mood for some reason at aftercare, the teacher was correcting him for something and he just walked away form the teacher while she was talking.  This is someone he has known for many years and she dealt with it well (and my wife and I gave him a talk that night) and he was back to normal the next day, but most often he behaves great in school.  It's frustrating because he can be a very hard worker and excellent helper, or he can be a total devil.  

[Sandman2]

     To change behavior of someone, it has to be an action that is constant and immediate.   Taking away the dinner won't work simply because you can't keep doing it and it is really not an immediate consequence.  There are some very helpful books like "Love and Logic", by Fay and Cline - which would be worth your time to check out.  
     What would be really helpful to us is to also know what triggers him?  First, does he have these same problems at school.  In other words is he getting in trouble there for not following directions, not paying attention, etc.   THIS is a very important question.
     What is she trying to get him to do that he refuses to do.  Maybe we can suggest other ways?   But essentially, what is this bad behavior?   Specifically, what is he doing?
     And I do understand your concern.  I assume he is in 4th grade.   This is basically an age where he should be the easiest to work with.  It can really go down hill from here.   So it is very important to understand what is going on.