Sense of Humor

Our daughter has been quite different from the beginning.  We have seen counselors a few times, but have never felt like we were taken seriously (this girl is SO good with other adults, and at school, which actually shocked us when she started kindergarten because we expected all kinds of attitude problems... she seems to save it all for us!).  She is very sensitive to physical issues like wrinkles in socks, etc... and is also vey sensitive to what people say, but is so INSENSTIVIE to what her actions and verbilizations do to others.  Not only is she constantly hurting her little brother's feelings (he is the total opposite, he is always thinking of the feelings of others, which is so wierd in contrast!), but she says hurtfull things to her parents and grandparents.  I've tried over and over to tell her that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, but she seems to be SO controlled by her emotions, that not only can she not controll herself now, but I'm afraid she will not be able to controll herself in the future (as in stopping to think before she says something).

The reason I titled this message "Sense of Humor" is because today was a perfect example of why I worry about my daughter.  Her little brother (he is seven, she is nine) said, as we were leaving the house for the bus stop, and the cat had to be put in her room, "Snowball's head got cut off when the door got shut."  I realized that he said it in a "stinky little brother" way, so I immediatley said, "Yeah, but she just picks it up and puts it back on!"  Of course, my daughter immediatley said "That's not funny!!"  and I tried to explain that her brother was just being a silly little brother and that neither one of us meant any harm, but that just didn't ge through (as usual).  And, as I re-read what I wrote, it sounds so simple... but this girl is not, and neither is this situation

So, I need help.  I feel like I have one "normal" child and one child that I just can NOT relate to, help, or even understand.  Does ANYONE have ANY advice?!  And, as I said earlier, we have seen several counselors who have "blown" us off... please don't do that again... there has GOT to be another kid like this out there!

Thank you,
DMWT

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is not unusual for children to act more problematically in their family than they do in out-of-family situations. That circumsyance alone does not indicate that therapy is necessary. However, it may indicate that there is a need for a more systematic method of managing the behavior (her behavior outside the home indicates she is capable of controlling her impulses - i.e., she is not out of control).

If your daughter does not display emotional disorder, and the past evaluations indicate she does not, she will likely respond favorably to a behavior management plan. Now, one option is to seek the help of a pediatric behavioral health or mental health professional, with the specific request to develop a plan to manage the behavior. Alternatively, you can make the attempt without such professional help. If you ant to investigate the option of doing it yourself, take a look at Lynn Clark's book SOS: Help for Parents. If you follow the guidelines in the book you may well achieve some relief.

[AutisticM101]

Morning, no help with the behavior aspect of your letter,but seeing as how she has sensativities to objects you may want to read "The Out-of-Sync Child" by Carol Stock Kranowitz,M.A. It deals with sensory intergration dysfunction, which could be a real eye-opener for you. My daughter had/has a lot of issues with things touching her skin & wrinkles in socks, etc.This book has helped alot in understanding those issues, and helping her to deal with them. One of the best books I ever bought.

[LuvMy3]

This post reminds me of my oldest child. He, at 22, still has tactile clothing sensitivities. (Frankly, so do I. My earliest memory is being driven to near madness having to wear pajamas with feet in them).  I agree with reading the Out-of-Sync child. But I recommend not trying to put your square peg in a round hole and learn to love her differences, as difficult as they may seem. Dare I ask -- is she extremely bright, but unmotivated (lazy)?

[DMWT]

Thank you to those who have responded.  Although my daughter does have issues with comfort (wrinkles in socks, tags on shirts, etc..) that is something that we seem to have overcome.  I make sure I only buy her "comfy" clothes that she approves of, and she has managed to "dial herself down" a bit in this area.

My main concern is that she seems to have no "speed bump" between her brain and her mouth when it comes to family members.  I guess most would call it an attitude problem, but she is SO good at school and with people other than her immediate family.  Her father, brother, and I seem to get almost nothing but contempt (ever heard of "It takes nine compliments to outweigh one critisism"?).  Plus, you never know what is going to set her off.  She can be very frienldy and fun, then turn on you with very little warning (which continues to hurt her brother, because the poor guy never sees it coming, and is regularly reduced to tears because she says something mean).

To LuvMy3, yes, she IS very bright, and can be VERY difficult to motivate.  She absolutely HATES being told what to do (as did I as a child, and still do!).  Understanding this feeling, I try very hard to not tell her what to do, to give her the power by giving her the choice (ie.  "Are you going to practice clarinet before, or after dinner?" or "What time are you going to practice?").  Then, she can not complain to me because SHE is the one who chose that time.  

I love this girl to pieces, but she can be SO hard to like.