Separation Anxiety

[di73]

My son is 6-years-old and has not been "diagnosed" with separation anxiety but I know he has it.  We have always had trouble, putting him in daycare and now at school, leaving him with someone else (family only) etc.  Last year he started kindergarten and would cry every morning until he threw up.  This went on for about three months, every single morning.  If he did not throw up, he would either wet or soil himself because he was scared to go to the bathroom by himself.  He had a hard time learning and got behind, so we had to hold him back.  He did really well at the first of this year and we put him back with the same teacher so she would be familiar.  She said he is a leader this year and helps her with the other kids.  He is second in his class and doing well with his work.  Now it seems he is relapsing.  He doesn't cry at school anymore, but he went to stay with my sister and cried the first night until he threw up and wanted to come home.  He will not go to sleep in his room at night because he does not like staying by himself.  He gets to sleep late, sometimes we are up until 2 or 3:00 a.m., because he will not go to sleep.  He says he does not like being in there by himself and says he has bad dreams.  I was just giving in and letting him sleep in the bed in our room and I was sleeping on the couch, but I am tired of sleeping on the cough and he is way too old, in my opinion, to be sleeping with a parent.  I have not taken him to a doctor yet because I really do not want to put him on medication, but I am scared this is harmful to his health and that he will start falling behind in school again.  You can also tell when he is nervous because he picks at his fingernails. We have always been supportive of him.  We have never been the type of parents who when leaving him with a daycare, relative or school just sneak out or anything.  We have always told him bye and that we love him.  I don't know what to do for him.  Do you have any suggestions?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You have to arrange help for him. You are avoiding it because of your worry about medication. But medication is not the only form of intervention we employ in addressing childhood emotional problems. If your child developed prolonged abdominal pains and had a fever, you would seek help right away. But you are depriving your son of the help he deserves, and your avoidance of help is a disservice to him. So overcome your worry and do the right thing. Arrange an appointment with a child psychologist or other pediatric mental health professional right away.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

My apology to you that my reply of a couple of ays age came across to you as harsh. It was not meant to be. Obviously you are a caring parent; otherwsie you would not have written in. My repl to you was intended to portray clearly what is occurring. When it comes to seeking medical help for your child, it's best not to make assumptions about what might be entailed in the possible treatment. Instead, contact the doctor , explain the circumstances, and ask what options are available. That way you won't fail to uncover possible solutions simply due to failure to ask.

[81204]

Have you ever think to make your sun with a little sister or brother ?

[di73]

Thanks for your comment.  In answer to your question, yes, I have tried laying with him (for hours), reading him stories, he has the cute sheets and a night light, as well as a fish tank providing light in his room.  He did better last night.  I just stayed in the living room on the couch until he fell asleep and then when he woke up in the middle of the night and came and got me, I tucked him back in and went back to sleep on the couch.  I told him I was right there and told him before he went to sleep to think good fun things and he would have good dreams.  I told him that bad dreams come from us being scared and thinking scary thoughts and then when we fall asleep they often make scary dreams.  As his reward, he is having a friend over in just a few minutes and we got him some little transformer men for doing so well and not crying last night.  Then we will go to getting a small prize for doing well all week, etc.  Hopefully this will help him.  If he starts slipping again and feeling anxious, I guess I will check into a doctor.  I was also glad I wasn't the only one who thought the comments from the doctor were ugly.  I had one send me a comment above saying I nned to handle critique a little better, which was not the case at all.  I just didn't appreciate the part that made it sound like I was abusing my child.  
And yes, it does sound like that little girl you are keeping has separation anxiety.  You are just new to her.  It took my son two and a half to three months to get used to a sitter, and then he still screamed if he woke up and they were not there or they walked out and he couldn't see them.  Just reassure her and tell her you can see her when she is playing, and constantly let her know you are there.  She should start to come around more for you, little by little.  Sounds like she really likes you though, which is good.  It could be worse and she could refuse to have anything to do with you and scream for her parents the whole time.  Hope things get better for you!

[mhix]

I am going through a similar thing with my daughter right now.  Only she has been having these type of episodes for only a week when I took her to the doctor.  My doctor is against any type of medication (at least for now) so we are exploring different therapy options.  I don't think the doctor's intent was to hurt your feelings.  You heard some advice that was contradictory to yours and you instantly got insulted.  We are all learning as parents, it's in your childs best interest for you to handle critique a little better from professionals.  As a person who has grown up with anxiety, trust me when I tell you untreated anxiety issues compound tremendously over time.

[mommydaycare]

I think sometimes children go through phases like this.And I don't think your child needs medication.  Have you tried laying down with him in his bed until he falls asleep? Maybe read him some stories to help him get comfy in his bed? Maybe you can buy him like a special boy doll or something that he likes so he can sleep with it. I don't think your child is too old to sleep with a parent. My son was 7 until he finally slept in his own bed, my daughter is 9 and she STILL wants to sleep with mommy! Not all the time though. Maybe he just needs more attention at night time? Not saying you don't give him any. But more reassurance, what about a  night light or his favorite character sheets?? Post in the community forums for other parents to get more advice, I am sure there is someone who is going through or who has gone through the same thing!  I am very surprised at the Dr's response to your issue. To tell you he needs to see a mental health professional right away is CRAZY! WOW! Sounds like he may have been too tired to answer your question!

[di73]

Ouch.  That was really harsh.  You make it sound like I am a really bad parent or something.  Before you put nasty answers, maybe you should find out why that parent is so scared to take their child to possibly be put on medication (and I did not know there were other ways of dealing, as everything I have read says they put them on medications for at least a year).  There is a history of dependency in my side of the family and that is the last thing I want to do to my child.  It is hard enough to cope with parents being drug/pill addicts, much less risking possibly making your child into one.  We are all concerned parents here that are confused, hurt, worried to death and scared for our children.  You do not have to be ugly with your answers.