Separation

[Penny]

My daughter is 10 years old.  Ever since infancy she has had a difficult time separating.  We had a holiday and since our close living quarters she has had a difficult time going to bed at night.  Her room is about 20 feet down the hall.  She never was able to just fall asleep, but now her anxiety keeps her crying many hours.  She fears robbers, kidnapping...  She used to sleep at friends homes, but now she won't anymore nor would she do a one night overnight at camp.    When she does play with her friends, she is very happy and independant.  Should I worry about this need to be near me all the time or is this normal?  She does have very specific bedtime rituals, ie. listening to the same tape since infancy, making sure she's tucked in just right, and I must come say good night in exactly the same way each night.

Her other issue is in school when a problem is difficult she is unable to use deductive reasoning, hardly gives it an effort, falls apart for fear her teacher sees that she doesn't understand and cries until I pretty much end up giving her the answer.  I've told her that in Grade 5 I won't be helping her with homework anymore, and what she doesn't know she'll have to find out back at school.  We're only on day 3 of school and have not yet had any homework.  When the time comes though, I wish to be prepared.

Background:  She is very beautiful, very happy during the day and very tiny for her age.  She is treated a little differently I expect because of these factors.  People will actually stop her in the street and remark on her looks.  They will also comment on her size when they hear her age.  She is 4 ft and 10 y.o.  Change has always been difficult, but she has had the same teacher for 4 years, so hasn't had to deal with that much in school.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Penny,

It's not the norm for a ten-year-old to display such a degree of anxiety at bedtime, though the nature of her anxiety is very typical of youngsters who do demonstrate this symptom. It sounds like you're handling it fine - i.e., you're providing reassurance, comfort and structure. Stick to this and this will wane. Be sure to keep insisting that she fall asleep in her own bed and remain in her bed.

Relative to school, she's more dependent than you might expect for a child entering fifth grade. While she definitely needs reassurance, encouragement and support, be sure not to provide answers for her. Otherwise, you'll be reinforcing the very dependence you'd ideally like to lessen. Thinking through problems is a skill that children acquire, like all skills, at different paces. She appears to think it's problematic, rather than natural, not to know all answers right away. Keep letting her know it's OK if she doesn't know answers, it's simply a clue to her that she needs to work it out. Check with the school guidance people and see what they make of her approach to her school tasks. Perhaps they can offer a bit of tutoring in the process of problem-solving, in order to boost her confidence and sense of autonomy. But, by nature, she's on the anxious and dependent end of the spectrum, so she'll need to progress gradually to a more self-sustaining position. If she's academically capable, you needn't really worry. If she struggles academically, you may want to investigate around the possibility of a learning disability, though this is likely not what she's encountering.