Seperation Anxiety Needing Treatment or Normal Healing Process?

My ex-husband and I divorced in January.  We have two children, who are now 3 1/2 and 2 years old.  We have joint custody and the boys stay with me 7 days and thier dad 7 days.  Over the last several weeks my younger son has begun to cry for me more often while at day care.  My daycare provider has called me recently at night to let me know how troubled she is about the heartbreak that he seems to be feeling.  The calls come during the week that they are with their dad.  At night, when he is with me, he awakes atleast one time crying for me.  "I want my mommy, I want my mommy."  I feel, as I always have that 7 nights away from mommy at their ages is too long of a stretch, but my ex-husband does not feel this way. I just want to do what is right for my children.  I want them to have a healthy relationship with their father but more than that I want them to be mentally/physically healthy themselves.  When with me, both boys are clingy but my 2 year old will not leave my side.  He will not play with his brother without me there for more than a minute before he is calling me or running to find me in tears.  On the other hand if he and I are alone, he is constantly asking where his brother is. Given that there is no good way to share physical custody, is there a better way for us than 7/7?  Should I seek professional help for us?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The situation you describe is not within the spectrum of normal. During recent times, 50/50 shared custody arrangements have proliferated. I think this serves the interest of parents more than it does the sound development of children. Whenever I am consulted by probate and family courts re: custody arrangements, and when I confer with parents who are facing these situations, I have a common response. Specifically, I advise that for young (i.e., pre-school and early school-age) children, 50/50 arrangements are not at all conducive to sound development and to the children's emotional wellbeing. Young children need to have a principle residence, one where they spend the preponderance of their time. Even though this automatically precludes an equal amount of time with each parent, such arrangements are nevertheless in children's best interest. One simple rule of thumb, which is reliable in almost all situations, is that children should go to sleep and wake up in the same bed on every school day (at least). Frequent changes in residence and routine are unsettling to young children, regardless of the competence of the parents. With all else being equal, including that both parents are loving and capable people, I urge parents to set aside their need in favor of permitting children a stable, settled arrangement. Weekend or alternate weekend contact, along with maybe a mid-week brief contact in the late afternoon and evening, can be well tolerated. But a week here, followed by a week there, is not a good idea. I say this without equivocation because I've seen over and over again the damage that such 50/50 arrangements can have.

[M3]

I have a feel good story for you.  My husband and I got divorced when my daughters were 5 and 1 year old.  We have been divorced for 5 years now and have always had them for a week each.  It has always worked for us and now that they are older my oldest always tells me how grateful she is that she gets to spend the same amount of time with her mommy and her daddy.  I think any child who experiences divorce is going to have a tough time of it, I know mine did, but it had nothing to do with being seperated from mommy per se, it was being seperated from how the family used to be.  I think as long as the child gets lots and lots of love from both parents, eventually everythign will work out fine.  I know the expert said its for the parents that you do the week/week thing and not for the child.  But lets look at it from the parents perspective - a father loves his child as much as the mother, how can you justify keeping his kids from him?  I think kids are much more resilient than adults, ESPECIALLY when they have lots of love and care and attention and if you approach the situation in teh right way, they will come out of it just fine!  Hope this helped!

[Zoetic]

We have a 50/50 custody agreement with my stepson's mother and I have many issues with it.  When going for custody the judge took nothing into consideration before making this decision.  After his mother pretty much left him with us for a whole summer, only seeing him when pressured by her mother, she decided that she wanted him with her full time.  His mother lives in her mother's home with a total of nine people residing there.  He shared a bedroom with his half brother but tells us he sleeps with his mom in her bedroom, which is the dining room that has been turned into a bedroom.  Our concern is not that she is a bad mother but that she is not looking at what is best for her son.  Over the summer she decided that she did not want to work and wanted to stay hom with him during the day.  For over a year we have had him enrolled in a Early Learning Center that he goes to everyday.  This year she decided that she wanted to put him into school three days a week for 3 hours.  My husband asked her if they could please decided on a school together so that he did not have to attend two different schools.  She said no, she wanted him to go here because it was more convienent for her.  We looked into putting him into this school on our days, even though it is completely out of our way, but they did not have an opening in their after school care.  So now, he attends her school when with her and ours when he is with us.

We are finding out that she constatly leaves him with her other family members and is only there 65% of the time we pick him up or drop him off.  She is letting him sleep in her bed everynight with her.  When we ask her any questions she lies saying that he sleeps in his bed.  When we ask her how he is doing is school she says great, but when his father contacted his teacher she said he is biting, hitting, and not listening.  We are suppose to go back for a hearing in the begining of the year to see where he will be placed full time.  I totally do not agree with 50/50 visitation.  Maybe if the parents can get along and agree on what is best for the child, but in our situation the system is failing us and most of all him.

[Zoetic]

I forgot to mention he is 4 years old

[M3]

It sounds to me like the mother is jealous of her husband's new life and family and is taking it out on the child.  I think the 50/50 situation can ONLY work where both parents are mature and responsible enough to put the needs of the child first.  Our situation works because the children go to the same school and enjoy the same activities whether at our house or dads.  If a change in my lifestyle came about that meant I would need to leave the area, I wouldnt dream of uprooting my kids if they wanted to remain where they are now.  Kids need to feel that their opinions count for something and they need to feel respected and I think any parent that uses their kids as tools for thier own gain are really selfish and don't deserve to be parents.

I feel for you Zoetic, I really do, and I hope that in time the mother realises that he clearly would be better off living with you and his father.  Good Luck!