Child Behavior Community
Serious concerns about our 11th dughter
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to child behavior, discipline (behavior management), parent-child communications, and social development.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Serious concerns about our 11th dughter

Our daughter is 11, she is extremely bright ( she would have graduated high school last year but we felt teacher
ING her more would only be good). Being so smart, and now home schooled makes social interaction with children her age extremely difficult.  She understands sex, why we have it, who with, the reason for this,  and the anatomy of it. As the father I share I unique Bond with me daughter.  She is better spoken, better read, and more intelligent than most people. I have  168 I and she will psst me. She understands we punish out of love, and that we are preparing her to face life and it's choices alone (we will always support her) with sexton she know that it is a physical expression of love. It is meant to be an act that brings people together and deepens these bonds. Me and my wife are some of  the lucky few the we can call our daughter  true friend while Maintaining boundaries.  However, my daughter got the point of the tlk. Sexton is between ones we love and trust. It's is to depend these Bonds, and to explore love in a new way. She knows about desease,  and other issues. However, for the last year she keeps wanting to explorer this ground with me and the wife. We explained why it was bad, and she cites  all the reasons why people you love and care for are the right people. We explain we love her but not in that way, and again I get cited facts and books,, but then she acts out to get this attention from strangers... we are at our wits end trying to find a solution that helps her learn what she needs, but shows her that waiting for someone special is better. We love our daughter,  and mentally she is capable of choices, she is brilliant, but being 11 she lacks wisdom/experience/perspective to know what she is asking. While this was explained her mind and heart our set.. I know she is unique,  she has has no prior sexual
Sexual experience with anyone. She has experimented on her own. We our close and she has said as much.we our a modest family, she has seen me nude a few time either whiles I was being taken to ER or just accidentally.  We treat this like if we accidentally saw her masturbation mistakes happen, no biggy, move on. The human body is beautiful and not something bad. We should not need be ashamed, but modesty is key.
But for a year now once she understood that it is about love and growing trust and closeness. Etc. She has wanted to experiment with me and the wife. We have tried to change her view. To show her that she will find a special person.. ND so much more. Yet we remain with her having a fixation on that. Nothing so far has made a Impact.  We want to answer any questions she has, but guide her away from  this idea she has. If we go in with a flat statement of despite your side we cant, I cant, or your mom cant... any answer that leads to a firm no cases her to react ND seek this type of attention in many other ways.. my fear is she won't grow out of it, we can't find do a solution that shows her that WHT she wants isn't right. Any ideas


7 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
If any info was unclear or more is needed feel free to ask.
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
Mdeadstar,  I see this was written at 3 in the morning when you may have been extremely groggy.

It's very hard to tell what you're talking about because you speak very vaguely and your post reads like English may not be your first language,  but are you saying your 11 year old daughter wants to have sex with you and your wife?
Blank
5914096_tn?1399922587
I read over your post 3 times and I cannot figure out what the issues are or what you are asking.  Please be specific and detailed so that we can understand and address your concerns.
Blank
480448_tn?1403547723
I have to agree, that it's kind of unclear what you're actually asking.  

My first impression, honestly is, that your daughter is treated more like an adult than an 11 year old child, and it's now causing some pretty significant, concerning problems.

I understand that she's very intelligent for her age, but it sounds as though she isn't being treated by you and your wife as your child.  It also sounds like there may be a little TOO much discussion about sex for her age.  

The fact that she's insistent that it would be okay to explore her sexuality with her parents is very very alarming.  I would think it's time for some professional intervention, and maybe some parenting guidance.  I'm not saying you're not good parents, but I think you've both gotten into the habit of treating her like an equal, rather than your minor child, which would explain why A. she's even COMFORTABLE having these sexual discussions with you (often), and B. why she thinks having a sexual relationship with her parents would be okay in ANY way, shape or form.  

To be honest, while I'm sure all of your life lessons to her were well intentioned, I think they have caused more confusion in her than understanding.  I think that the way you both have parented has led you to this predicament.  She's a YOUNG child of 11...I think it's time to rethink your parenting approach with her.  That's not going to be easy at this stage of the game.  Some serious boundaries need to be set.

Best of luck.
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
My kids want to do all sorts of things and the answer is NO.  So, if you are saying she wants to explore being sexual with you and your wife (GROSS), obviously tell her no.  And think twice about what you've been teaching her.  good luck
Blank
134578_tn?1404951303
I think you have inadvertently made sex sound so great that she is turning to the people she trusts most, you and your wife, and asking that this great thing happen for her with you.  You need to explain to her that there are certain things that are simply not done.  I doubt you have ever set much of any boundary between her and you, but now it is time for her to know that some natural ones do exist.

A lot of people in this day and age of modern parenting, where kids are treated more rationally and less as little pests who have to be beaten into growing up, accidentally make the mistake of simply assuming children are adults in their understanding.  And because their kids are smart, they can somewhat play along.  But it is perfectly OK to act shocked and draw limits.  You don't have to hide from her that what she is asking for is wrong (I was going to say in most cultures, but I think it's wrong in all cultures).  If she asks why, you could go into biological reasons, but it is also acceptable for her to simply have to take your word for it.  

If you think she won't listen to you and your wife, please have her speak to a counselor.  She might take this news better from a professional.

And stop raving on about how brilliant she is, she might have a high IQ but this has nothing to do with IQ, and if you are raising her thinking she is essentially able to raise herself emotionally, this is not a good idea.
Blank
134578_tn?1404951303
(In other words, don't confuse intellectual intelligence with emotional intelligence, nor with understanding of the world and its mores.)  She does not have those, and is not inherently equipped to understand things about how the world works.  That, she has to get from her society.  This is actually the main reason a lot of parents send their bright kids off to the local school.  It is not for the high quality of academics, but in order that the child learn the way the world is, from other kids and other adults.
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Child Behavior Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
469720_tn?1388149949
Blank
Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm-treatable... Blank
Oct 04 by Lee Kirksey, MDBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
The 3 Essentials to Ending Emotiona...
Sep 18 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Children's Health Answerers
134578_tn?1404951303
Blank
AnnieBrooke
OR
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
Avatar_m_tn
Blank
Sandman2
San Pedro, CA
4851940_tn?1385441629
Blank
jemma116
United Kingdom
757137_tn?1347200053
Blank
allmymarbles
NJ