Sexist Young Cousin

[missleo8]

I have a young male cousin who’s probably 8/9? He stays at our house about every other weekend because his mom and dad are divorced, and his straight up doesn’t like our family for reasons unknown. Even then, his dad isn’t much around to spend time with him so us teens end up watching over him. (Side note: My uncle and I live together. I also have a teenage uncle who lives with me and my two teenage sisters come over on weekends. We all live at my grandmas house. It’s a whole big party.) I don’t like my cousin’s mom because she’s a really passive-aggressive person and plays a lot mind games with you, so it’s no surprise my cousin has inherited a lot of that. He also has three older brothers that I’ve known for years and they were all pretty untamed and vulgar. My cousin also inherited that. To top the cherry on the cake, my sister, who is pansexual, pointed out to me he seems to be very sexist. Apologies for being stereotypical, she’s very sensitive to those kinds of things. I had previous chalked up my cousin’s behavior as a direct result of his mom and brothers’ behaviors. But I noticed it especially this weekend when he stayed with us. Any time that I or my sister would talk to him, he did not acknowledge. At one point my hilarious sister told our young uncle to try saying the exact same thing to him, in which my cousin responded immediately and attentively. To say the least, we were flabbergasted. It was honestly kind of psychotic because he was so adamant in ignoring us girls and then right in front of our eyes he turned into this well-behaved, kind child. He then proceeded to mention afterwards that he is a fair person. Is it fair to treat someone badly based on their gender? Mind games much? I understand that he is still young and that kids and people in general are more drawn to people most like themselves. But the fact that he straight up ignored us and then had a conversation with someone else right after really frustrates me. Thoughts?

[Sigebryht]

As a man I have to say that young boys have a very combative nature and and excess of negative energy. Here is a fact, there are 5-10% more boys born than girls. This is because in natural human conditions (without technology and doctors to save them) boys are so crazy that 5-10% of them die before even being able to have kids. Todays society is getting more peaceful, less violent, less exposed to crazy stuff like volcanos, avalanches, animal attacks etc where that male aggression and wild tendency has a natural purpose. Today's everyday life is often too calm and takes out little of young boys' innate wild energy and aggression and that is why there are so many weird and unadjusted stuff going on.

Boys in that age cannot really connect or comprehend what is going on and especially if they have unstable and disfunctional role models. He needs to have some sort of activity to take out his negative energy in a positive way so he can deal with others.

[Munsteru]

makes me sad people are so quick to defend the child's poor behavior, yes he's obviously picking up on his mom and dad's issues. Yes, he is a women blamer in the works and it could go worse the messier a relationship/ divorce, whatever interactions or lack of he witnesses between his parents. However he is handling the divorce experience, the information and behavior between the father and mother are coming through. Either he's already picked a parent's side or his father's inappropriate comments got to him first, a child sees no reason to obey their parents when they cannot agree with each other or witness parents disrespecting each other. What did he see either of his parents DO or SAY when both were together? When one was away? You mentioned mommy mind games and a father who is usually not around. The kid is behaving sexist. The kid has on some level already internalized a distrust of women and panders to uncle's attention in place of a father figure. Results people. He's not a lost cause because a deeper discussion needs to happen about his family life. His uncle needs to get through to him (stern and kind while doing so) that he's disrespecting a family of people who care for him. Yes eye contact and slight touch to establish attention and authority to counter that rudeness.

[AnnieBrooke]

Even if he has internalized disliking hearing his mother talk and tunes out female voices, which it sort of sounds like he has done, I would not call a child a sexist.  That is saying he has (at age 9) drawn conclusions about half of the human race based on one person.  Tuning out sounds like a survival mechanism for a kid whose mom plays mind games, not a sexist decision.  Certainly, in the shoes of the uncle or the aunts or other adults in his life, I would not hesitate to direct him to pay attention, and possibly tell him that tuning people out is disrespectful, but to toss a loaded (adult) label at a 9-year old seems like the adult who accuses him of this is not playing fair at all.  Sometimes kids just tune out.  

[specialmom]

This post kind of makes me sad.  I also would avoid labels and not take things personally with a boy living under these circumstances.  His life is messy and not very stable.  What he needs are champions.  People who are patient and believe in him rather than people looking to judge (and especially an 8 or 9 year old little boy).  My own son has some nervous system issues that causes him to have difficulty with input from his environment.  He can be focused on one thing and literally doesn't notice or hear ME or my husband when we are talking to him.  I was told to do what is also suggested here by others which is to lightly place my hand on his shoulder to make sure he is tuned into me.  

His home life sounds chaotic.  Lots of people related in different ways coming and going.  While it feels okay to you and is the norm of his life, it will have an effect.  He needs good role models who care about him.

So, be that.  This is your higher calling.  be his champion and connect with him.  Try to cut him some slack and help him evolve.  good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

I would not be so fast with the label "sexist."  This kid is in a world of hurt and has difficult and/or inattentive parents.  He gets fobbed off on his cousins instead of just getting to stay peacefully at home, with a stable homelife.  He might indeed have learned to tune people out, and he might simply like your young uncle.  He would probably respond to someone he liked in particular, whether the person is male or female.  But in his situation I'm not at all surprised that the person he responded to was a male.  Poor kid, age 9 is a time when a child needs to know he is a person of value in his father's eyes, and his father is ignoring him.

[Lucy12376]

You could try talk to him. Tell him how he makes you feel. I believe people don't act juat because... Maybe he is dealing with his own stuff and needs someone to talk to?

[Sandman2]

Its really hard to say without more information.  But, kids of that age (having worked with them) are not the most attentive - especially boys.  
   Try this next time.  Tap him on the shoulder, make eye contact, and ask your question.  If that does not work - then ya, maybe.  My gut feeling is that he has learned to turn people off or out given his situation.