Sexual exploration between siblings

I have just recently interrupted my twelve year old son attempting to touch my 8 year old daughter while she was "sleeping". I use quotation marks for sleeping because I am unsure if she was aware of this or not. I am a survivor of sexual abuse myself and I became enraged. I have had numerous talks with him and my daughter in the past 48 hours since this has occured. My husband and I immediatly called our pastor over to our house to meet with my son and us- minus my daughter. I have set them both up for counseling.I have gatherd that this has occured on an infrequent basis over the course of the last year while she is sleeping and unaware; he assumed her awareness. I am concerned that maybe she is and has repressed this or is in denial. I have even entertained the possibility that she was aware but maybe afraid. I want to believe him when he says it was three or four times and NEVER involved him touching her with his penis or penetrating her in any way; but I know children will try to minimize the damage for fear of the consequences. I guess what I am trying to get at is... What else needs to be done? how am i to sleep at night now? should i take what he says at face value and chalk it up to curiosity or dig deeper into it and see if he can give me any further details? I feel as though he has an unmet need. As he has gotten older I have began to limit my physical affection towards him because I was uncomfortable with it. could this be part of his problem? PLEASE help! I cannot allow this to EVER happen again to my baby girl and damage her self esteem and psychological well-being. My son has so much potential and I would hate to see him ruin his future over this.

[margypops]

Sounds like you are doing the right things, you have called your pastor in to speak to him, definatly get some counseling help., let them ask the questions , Why as he got older did you limit your affection for him, a Moms affection is totally differant from sexual feelings, what made you act like that.and be uncomfortable ?Has his Dad discussed it over with him man to man,is there any possibility someone may have done anything similar to  your son and he is emulating ..maybe that out.

[margypops]

Sorry key board' check that out"

[backusjenn]

You've done everything right so far - I think getting your pastor involved is genius, a really good way to help you through.  I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope everything works out well for you...

[jones394]

In response to limiting my affection... I really cant put a finger on that because it seems that I still have this very uncomfortable gray area that may stem from my childhood issues. I had him shortly before my eighteenth birthday and quite frankly just having a hard time grasping the fact that my little boy is now a teenager. As I seen him getting older and more mature I began to back away from the affection slowly until here we are now where i dont feel comfortable hugging him sometimes. I have three other boys and have no problem in this area. I never really saw my mother show affection to my older brother so maybe Its been difficult without the use of modeling to guide me. My main concern has always been to make sure he feels comfortable and I may have assumed he felt he was getting too big for hugs as boys sometimes do.

As far as the later question regarding abuse in his past... I am left with this question. From what i survived through i vowed to never be a parent that was careless about my childrens whereabouts and take ANYTHING for granted. Now, mind you that of all the places I believed there could be any improper actions i never dreamed would be in my own home. I dont let my kids do sleepovers. My son had ONE friend that I knew his parents very well and their circle of friends. he would go over there once or twice a year until the boy moved away. I was violated by family members so for that reason I trust almost knowone alone with my children. My boys or my Daughter. You can be overly cautious but you can't UN-DO the sick things that are out there to be done so to heck with the nay-sayers. this world we live in is too brash for that.

I have alone time with my children individually daily where we just simply talk. about whatever they need to. I also know abuse is not an easy subject to discuss. I say this to say; i have asked him numerous times in the process of keeping the lines open. He has always denied. I am inclined to believe this but not naieve enough to think his answer is absolute. I will pose this to the psycholohgist he will see next week and see if there is a possibility that he can dig deeper into the issue with him; although im sure with the nature of this will be protocol.

I will keep you guys posted and THANK GOD FOR THIS SITE!!! this morning I was a basket case with no idea of what to do. just need encouragement sometimes.

GOD Bless ;0)

[margypops]

Yes please keep us posted I can tell you care , you are not alone we see this quite a bit ,It is possible that your daughter was aware but didnt know if it was okay or not as he is an older brother,it always surprises us when children dont tell us things we think they should , I have seen some of this with my own Family ,some came out years later,I do think you are handling it well ..with some professional help , the feelings he has are very normal what he cant do is his behavior towards his sister. Perhaps some lessons about his body from another man would be good, Dad or Family member,or your pasto.Good luck ,

[Troubled404]

My step son is 11 years old and I have daughters that are 6,7 and 12 about 3 years ago Social services called me and asked me to come in.  I went inot the office which I tough it was for a bump that my youngest daughter had on her forehead.  They asked me to sit down and began telling me that a parent report my step son whom lives with us was bragging to him buddies that he moledest my 2 younger daughters.  I was so angry, I did not know what to do.  i cryed and then asked if i could use the bathroom.  i calledmy husband and work and told him to come hom and getting his "Sick ******* son out of my house" I still to this day have resentment toward my step son.  He cannot be left alone with my daughters.  He always has to be within eye shot.  When I goto the bathroom.  He has to sit outside the door.  It is like I have a baby again.  My daughters have went though extensive counsoling. So has my step son.  We also had him admitted in a home for a week or so.  Till this day he still lives with us.  Even though I would like to just give him to his mom.  But my husband and I belive that something happen to him while visiting his mother during the summer.  She has a daughter my girls age and she lets them play alone together.  I just feel sorry for her daughter even though nothing between them has came out I would not take any chances again.  You never belive that a bother some who is suppose to make sure his sister is safe would harm them.  It is not normal Jones 394.  Please watch him.  You need to take him somewhere and admit him so that he can have extensive counsling done.  Our jobs as parents is to protect our children.  You cannot trust anyone when it comes to your children.

[jones394]

That sounds like a nightmare! I am thankful that in our time talking this past week my son has opened up to me alot about this issue. We have always been VERY close and he felt like this subject was uncomfortable to talk to me and my husband about.

That very next day we went to our local library and checked out multiple books on puberty as well as one in particular that was based on a teen girls life after recovering from incest. My son is a very loving person and truly did not think it was damaging or causing any harm to her. He has follwed my requests to give me any details of what happend. He is truly ashamed and quite frankly worried about how she will recover from this. Although she is not aware of anything that occured (which resulted in nothing more than just looking at her).

I say this not to minimize his behavior; because we all agreee is is unacceptable. I say this because in my time researching this, and also speaking with Children Youth Services myself yesterday; sexual exploration between siblings is actually common. On the other hand it is under CONSENTUAL circumstances that it occurs. The worker told me that due to the age difference of less than five years, the fact that no real trauma has occured, and she was not 'forced to keep some horrible secret'; the damage is minimal and I am doing what they would require a parent to do.

You have to get him some counseling, i agree with that. Also...you have to let him know hw is not a monster. in your case you believe something also happened to him. he maybe suffering as well.

I am watchful and he knows my trust has been broken; but i know he understands the ramafications of what he has done and is committed to changing his behavior. you said:
"we need to protect our children...". I think that includes your stepson. Love and encouragement help. open the lines of communication with him and make him feel like you care and want to hear what he is thinking. it may give u some peace if u believe he will come to the both of you. If you are resentful, believe me it will show. that may cause him to violate them further. just to hurt you. This incident has led me to many sleepless nights reading online about this issue. the more alienated or humiliated he feels the more likely he is to continue this behavior.

I will be praying for you and God Bless your family and my own.


BTW, is he still in counseling? My son begins Thursday.

[Troubled404]

He is done with it for the summer.  Since he is between our house and his mom's it is very difficult to get appointments.  His counsler, my husband and I have talked to him about this.  We were told that we may never know what completely happend to him or to the girls.  I did not sleep for night eaither when I found out.  When I would goto work I would be on the phone all the time just trying to get help for him.  I was told by many places that it is rare for siblings to do that so since there is not a high demand for help they do not offer it anymore.  I guess that all depends on what state you live in. This hole thing has changed my youngest daughter the most.  After all that happend she would cry all the time and throw fits all the time.  Now that she is olders, the past year she wants to be a boy.  she wants to dress like one have a name like on and all that.  I lost my little girl when this nightmare happend.  As much as I try to forget or even forgive I cannot because I look at my daughter and see how much this has affected her.  If she even gets in trouble at home I cannot yell at her or ever punish her.  It kills me deep inside if I have to make her unhappy because I do not want to do anything to make her unhappy anymore.  I have tried counsling myself and when I feel like I can make a break through it fails.  I do not treat my step son different than the other kids, my feeling are kept inside. I do everything for him like I would do for my own.  I know deep deep inside that it is not his fault it is the person fault that may had did it to him.  Counsling may help but it depends on the couslor.  The counslor cannot beet around the bush.  He has to get straight to the point and talk to your son about it.  My son has seen 2 counslors in the last 5 years.  the one he see's now is full force this is why you are here and no beeting around the bush.  I hope you find an ending to this and your sone understands that it is wrong.  God seen me through alot of sleepless nights and he will see you through them to.  Just remember for the rest of the years he is living with you even thow you think he will never do it again, do not think that way keep your eye open all the time.  My son was doing things to my girls at night, when my husband and I were watching a move, when I was cooking dinner, when I was outside any chance he got he did it.  Social service also recommed that I put a door alarm on his door so that I know if he coomes out in the middle of the night.  

[jones394]

Sorry, I have faith in my son and God. He is taking care of it and has given me peace.I gave it over to him. My sleepless nights ended there. I am alert and more aware but I have faith in him to heal my kids and my family. I refuse to treat him like a sex offender.... or he will feel as though he is one and act as one. You can never give up faith in your children. This was an opportunity for m husband and I to convey a message to him now and teach him about his body and the feelings that are new to him. Not for us to lock him away somewhere, use our security system to monitor him and treat him like a criminal in his own home. He and my daughters relationship has not changed. He is being a better brother than before and wants to apologize to her when we feel she is ready. He has been KIT with our pastor and that itself he said "makes him feel brand new".

I understand that you are dealing with a more severe situation that has had a more traumatic effect on your daughter. Our daughters' behavior has not changed at all, so you and I are handling two different situations as best we see fit based on the events.

I will keep your family in my prayers. "God heals all pain!"

God Bless