She's 20, but such a child

[shadlab]

My youngest daughter has had "issues" since she was a toddler.  We've tried numerous therapists, but she has never participated fully in her own therapy; in most cases, I had to drag her to sessions.  I've spent thousands on therapy; her attitude was always, "If the other people in my life would fix themselves, they'd see that I don't have any problems."  She has had episodes of violence; I have holes in doors and walls at my house to show for it.  One therapist was convinced that she was bi-polar, but refused to make an official diagnosis, because it would render her uninsurable.  My own therapist believes that both Gabby and her father - from whom I am divorced - display signs of narcssistic disorder.  They all agreed that she had ADD, and there have been definite signs of Oppositional-defiant disorder.  After under-performing for years in school, she dropped out of high school at 16.  Her one "accomplishment" thus far is getting her GED.  She was fired from several jobs, and she did not work for months, but she now has a part-time job at a video store which she likes.  

When she turned 18 and was not in school, she was dropped from my insurance coverage. We tried to get private insurance but were declined; I'm guessing because of her physical and mental health issues.  Although she is extremely underweight, (not an eating disorder; she has the very same body type I had at her age,)physically, she's fairly healthy at this time; but has been in the emergency room several times over the last year with intractable vomiting.

I know you must be thinking, "Why has mom put up with all this?"  Believe me: I've tried to find ways of gaining some control.  The simple fact is that Gabby brings an enormous amount of energy to a confrontation,and everything becomes a confrontation with her.  She refuses to help around the house or to observe a reasonable curfew.  Her room is beyond nasty, with overflowing ashtrays, spoiled food, and knee-deep dirty clothes.  She treats us abominably, cursing and screaming at anyone who stands between her and what she wants.  She takes other people's things without asking.  I have threatened over and over again to throw her out of the house if things don't change.  They don't, and she pushes me to the brink again and again, but I just can't go there.  I can't help but feel that she has serious problems that are going to lead her to make disastrous choices if she winds up on the street.  At this point, I am simply trying to keep some peace; but it's shaky at best.  Everyone, from my husband, who is the most patient and forgiving man in the world, and who has tried so hard to be a father to Gabby - to her 2 sisters and the men in their lives, seem to think I need to "do something" about Gabby, but no one can tell me how to handle this situation.  I feel like my marriage and my family are being held hostage to my baby girl's problems, and don't know where to turn for help.

[speceeee]

kick her out of the house and force her to be responsible. that'll straighten her up. how long are you going to raise her for?

[NickyIsHere123]

For one thing: Look at your post. The tempermant you display about your daughter is very "sad" in my opinion. Her only "accomplishment" was her GED? Please...
There is more to life than "accomplishments". Not to be rude, but I have a stack of accomplishments myself, but none of them mean too much. What does mean a lot to me is my family no matter what piece of ridiculous paper they have "earned". In retrospect, all of that which has been "earned" should have been "given" and not just to a selected few. Our society warrants looks, degrees, and all of other falsehoods as the sanctity of happiness. The only way for you to truly be content and for your daughter to move forward is to accept the person for which she is. That is all a person needs to blossom. Just accept her and love her.


-N

[Nainay]

ONE MORE THING, YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE. ONCE SHE GETS HER GED THAN YOU TELL HER SHE HAS TO GO TO AT LEAST THE CITY COLLEGE. WHAT KIND OF FRIENDS DOES SHE HAVE? MOST IMPORTANT DO NOT LET HER DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE, BE FIRM AND IF SHE LEAVES SHE WILL BE BACK JUST REMEMBER YOU ARE DOING IT SO SHE IS ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF WHEN YOU ARE NO LONGER THERE. DON'T YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO KNOW SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF? I KNOW YOU DO, SO TOUGH LOVE IS ALL I CAN SUGGEST. THE MORE WE GIVE THE MORE THEY EXPECT, IT'S TIME YOU STARTED DOING THE EXPECTING AND NOT HER.

[Nainay]

VERY SIMPLE, TOUGH LOVE. HOW DOES SHE GET AROUND? DOES SHE HAVE A CAR YOU WOULD HAVE MOST LIKELY PROVIDED FOR HER? WHERE DOES SHE GET MONEY TO GO OUT?  MY DAUGHTER IS NOW 21 AND WHEN SHE STARTED HER PERIOD IN 8TH SHE WENT FROM CUDDLING WITH ME AND WATCHING MOVIES TOGETHER TO IN HER ROOM ALWAYS ON THE PHONE WITH HER FRIENDS ETC. THE ONE THING I CAN SAY IS SHE WAS ALWAYS AN A/B STUDENT AND I NEVER HAD TO STAY ON HER ABOUT SCHOOL. BUT WE ARE SO MUCH ALIKE THAT WE BUMPED HEADS AS WELL THE ARGUING STOPPED WHEN I DECIDED TO "LET GO", I SET MY EXPECTATIONS AND SHE MET THEM WHEN SHE WANTED A CAR IN HIGH SCHOOL SHE WORKED TO EARN THE DOWN PAYMENT AND MADE HER PAYMENTS EVERY MONTH, FOR THAT I PAID HER INS. SHE IS IN HER 3RD YR OF COLLEGE AND WOULD HAVE BEEN HER 4TH YR BUT SHE JOINED THE NATIONAL GUARD RESERVES AND HER 2ND YEAR WAS BOOT CAMP AND AIT TRAINING WHICH NOW AFTER 2 PLUS YEARS HAS BEEN MEDICALLY DISCHARGED. BUT YOU WOULD HAVE TO SEE HER TO UNDERSTAND HOW SURPRISED I WAS THAT SHE EVEN JOINED BECAUSE SHE IS BEATIFUL NOT JUST PRETTY SHE AND I'M NOT JUST BRAGGING BECAUSE SHE IS MINE, EVEN HER SUPPERIORS IN THE NG ASKED HER WHY SHE HAD JOINED WHEN SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MODELING WHICH SHE NOW DOES, SHE NEVER WEARS MAKEUP UNLESS SHE IS DOING A PHOTO SHOOT AND SHE HAS ALREADY BOUGHT HER 1ST HOME SHE IS GOING TO SCHOOL AND STILL GETS A'S & B'S IN COLLEGE AND HAS NOT HAD TO TAKE ANY PRE-REQUISITE (SP) CLASSES(WHICH ARE CLASSES THAT DON'T COUNT) IN FACT SHE NEVER TOOK CALCULUS IN HS BUT WHEN SHE TOOK THE MATH PLACEMENT TEST SHE WAS PUT IN HONORS CALCULUS. MY KIDS KNEW WHEN I SAID SOMETHING I MEANT IT, I DIDN'T BEAT IT INTO THEM WE HAD A RELATIONSHIP AND THEY KNEW THEY COULD COME TO ME WITH ANYTHING, THE KEY I THINK WAS I DIDN'T FORGET WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE A CHILD. I SET LIMITS AND MY KIDS KNEW IF THEY CUT SCHOOL, I WOULD HOLD THEIR HAND AND GO TO SCHOOL WITH THEM, THEY KNEW HOW FAR THEY COULD PUSH AND WHEN TO STOP. I THINK YOU HAVE TO SET EXPECTATIONS AND STICK TO IT. SHE CAN ONLY DO WHAT YOU ALLOW HER TO DO, LIMIT WHAT YOU ARE DOING FOR HER. TELL HER TO GET HER BUTT IN SCHOOL AND SHE CAN STILL WORK IF ONLY P/T HAVING EXPECTATIONS AND HELPING THEM MEET THEM IS GIVING HER SO MUCH MORE BELIEVE ME SHE WILL GROW UP AND APPRECIATE IT. IF SHE IS SICK AND HAS NO INSURANCE LET HER SIT IN A COUNTY HOSPITAL ONCE AND I BET SHE WILL CHANGE HER MIND ABOUT DOING WHAT SHE NEEDS TO BE DOING TO GET COVERAGE. TOUGH LOVE IS THE HARDEST THING TO DO BUT THE REWARD IS WORTH EVERY BIT OF IT I HAVE A WONDERFUL 28 YR OLD SON WHO OWNS A HOME, WORKS AND IS THE MOST RESPECTFUL YOUNG MAN YOU CAN IMAGINE AND LOVES HIS MOM AND A 21 YR OLD WHO IS SMART AS A WHIP WHICH THEY BOTH ARE ACTUALLY, OWNS HER OWN HOME AND THEY ARE NOT DRUG ADDICTS, WILD OR ILLRESPONSIBLE BECAUSE I WOULDN'Y ALLOW THEM TO BE. I DIDN'T HAVE STRUCTURE COMING UP AND I RAN AWAY FROM HOME AND I DISLIKE MY MOTHER SO WHEN I DECIDED TO HAVE KIDS I KNEW I WOULD DO IT RIGHT AND I WOULD LOVE THEM, BE THERE FOR THEM AT EVERY SPORT EVENT, SCHOOL EVENT, ETC BEING THERE MEANS BEING THERE TO HELP THEM REACH THERE DREAMS BUT ALLOWING HER TO DO NOTHING IS ALLOWING HER TO BE A FAILURE AND HOW COULD SHE THANK YOU FOR THAT?  THE DAY MY KIDS SAID THANK YOU FOR BEING MY MOM, THAT WAS THE BEST REWARD I COULD HAVE GOTTEN AND MADE ALL OF IT WORTHWHILE, THEY DO NOTICE. SO I WISH YOU THE BEST AND I HOPE THINGS TURN AROUND FOR THE BOTH OF YOU I AM NOT SAYING MY KIDS WERE ALWAYS PERFECT, IT WAS BEING ONE STEP AHEAD OF THEM THAT KEPT THEM ON THE RIGHT TRACK IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  I WISH YOU THE BEST~

[Tula]

sorry i posted twice didnt mean to do that..

[Tula]

HI,  without going into alot of detail about my story I went through the same thing with my daughter for what seemed to be an eternity.  she is now doing great works full time and got her ged also.  It got to the point where we had to send her away to a place where they helped girls with different problems but it ended up being a not so great place.  through all of it my daughter had her eyes opened and God really got a hold of her.  everything that she knew was taken away from her until she got the help she needed.  we did have insurance though and it did cost.  it was all worth it.  she was 15 at the time so I had a little more say in the situation.  we did walk on eggshells around her for along time prior to her leaving.  i believe there has to be an insurance plan out there for  your daughter.the only thing is she is 20 and has more of a say in her treatment.  She has to want to get better to.  I know how difficult it is because shes your child but I guess there comes a time when we have to do something drastic.  its not fair to you and your family either.  I would call your local hospital and tell them about your daughter they may be able to help.  she also may qualify for some help through the goverment too.  she definitly needs some intervention and there has to be something out there for her.  do all you can dont give up I know you will find the answer.  God bless

[Tula]

HI,  without going into alot of detail about my story I went through the same thing with my daughter for what seemed to be an eternity.  she is now doing great works full time and got her ged also.  It got to the point where we had to send her away to a place where they helped girls with different problems but it ended up being a not so great place.  through all of it my daughter had her eyes opened and God really got a hold of her.  everything that she knew was taken away from her until she got the help she needed.  we did have insurance though and it did cost.  it was all worth it.  she was 15 at the time so I had a little more say in the situation.  we did walk on eggshells around her for along time prior to her leaving.  i believe there has to be an insurance plan out there for  your daughter.the only thing is she is 20 and has more of a say in her treatment.  She has to want to get better to.  I know how difficult it is because shes your child but I guess there comes a time when we have to do something drastic.  its not fair to you and your family either.  I would call your local hospital and tell them about your daughter they may be able to help.  she also may qualify for some help through the goverment too.  she definitly needs some intervention and there has to be something out there for her.  do all you can dont give up I know you will find the answer.  God bless

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You of course cannot 'fix' your daughter. However, you can set limits on what will occur under your roof. She can be helped, but will need to copperate with the help. Most jurisdictions have arrangements for so-called free care, so it might be useful to check into that. Talk with your daughter about yoiur desire to be helpful and how she's reaching a limit beyond which you won't go. Establish a date (it can be arbitrary) and tell her that is welcome to remain in the household only if she gets herself in treatment. If she won't cooperate with that condition, she'll have to leave. It's not going to help her to say that you're not going to allow her to remain and then backing off your ultimatum. Put the choice in her lap and see what happens.