Child Behavior Community
Should I tell my husband he is not the father of my son?
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to child behavior, discipline (behavior management), parent-child communications, and social development.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Should I tell my husband he is not the father of my son?

My husband and I have been married for 10 years with two children.  I had an affiar and became pregnant, the child is just an infant.  My husband has no idea that the child is not his.  The biological father knows that he is the father.  I have no idea what to do.  Do I tell my husband and risk him divorcing me and having my name bashed into the ground in my family and community and have our family split up?  Do I just not tell anyone and have the birth father and I be the only ones that know this dark secret?  Will my son ever want to know the truth about his birth father? The birth father is going through a divorce right now and says that he does not want us to bring it out into the open at this time.  Please do not judge me, I realize this was the biggest mistake of my life.  I am looking for advice and similar stories. Thank you for your help and consideration.  I pray that somehow I can find an answer.
Related Discussions
15 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
1391531_tn?1289167743
I have do not know what you are going trough myself I can only give you advice on what I think I would do.I would sit down and tell you husband he needs to know his family needs to know and when you son is older he needs to know it is better for everyone in the long run better emotional and health wise,if you son every got sick and needed a family health history form the father what would you do.Think how hard is will be if it comes out later for your son,husband , and everyone involved,the earlier it comes out the better it will be for everyone.My brother in law got a girl pregnant in high school she had a boyfriend found out she was pregnant that then had sex with her boyfriend so she could say it was his( she did not think my brother in law would be a good father) that was the first time she had sex with her boyfriend, my brother in law and the whole family knew the baby was his when the baby turned 18 his mom told him and her husband they were not biological father and son.He stopped talking to his mother and will not see her wants nothing to do with our family the only person he talks to is the man who raised him the man he though was his father.So tell your husband if he loves you and can forgive you and loves and wants to keep his family together he will stay but give him that choose do not trick and let him believe something that not true let him figure out if he can stay.the baby's bio dad does not want it to come out because it is easier for him.And could you live you live with that big of a secret.It will  be one of the hardest thing you ever have to do but it the right thing if you love your husband and son .GOOD LUCK.
Blank
134578_tn?1404951303
First of all, are you totally certain it is not your husband's child?  Have you done a DNA test?  Without that, I wouldn't tell anyone anything, until you get tested.  What if the child really is your husband's and you rush to disclosure on the infidelity?  

In general, if a woman were to say that she had an affair but is now willing to stay with her husband and stick it out loyally from now on, I would advise her not to tell, if the husband truly has no way to find out.  (This comes with the price tag that she has to really mean it about sticking it out lovingly for the rest of her life with her husband.  Otherwise, she may as well tell, because it will all come out in the wash sooner or later if she doesn't love him any more.)  But that is just when someone has been unfaithful.  Once a baby is born, the issue changes to fairness to all parties.

Staying silent means you will be asking your husband to love, care for, and pay for a child all through his life that in the ordinary course of events, he would not have to be responsible for.  The longer you are silent, the more cheated he will feel, that he didn't even have a chance to be indignant before you put him into the position of patsy and tried to hook him into loving the child.  

The child deserves to know, all his life, who his father is.  I am so sorry that he will know that his father is not someone you are married to, who can't be in his life.  This is going to affect him, but not as suddenly and harshly as if you were to spring this on him later in life, or worse, if he were to somehow find out without you telling him.

The wife of the other man has done nothing to you that would merit you conspiring to hide from her information that has a material role in her divorce.  Unless your lover has had many other affairs and she is already presenting those all in court, yours might matter, both legally and emotionally (as part of her understanding why he behaved the way he did).  You staying silent makes you something of a conspirator in hiding key facts.  I am sorry to say, but the man you had the affair with sounds a bit of a louse, asking you to hide it.  He was cheating on his wife.  A real man stands up and owns up to his behavior.  

Adding more lies (even if they are lies of omission) to the situation will make it worse the long run.  Maybe your husband *will* forgive you (and if so, you have a man worth his weight in rubies) but whether or not he does, your child deserves to know his identity.  

I would tell my husband, and tell the other man that if you are questioned by his wife's attorney you are not going to lie, and if your husband decides to forgive you, I'm afraid I'd also tell the kids (because if you only tell your son, you're asking him to keep it a secret from his siblings).  If all these parties know, you might as well give up on keeping the town from knowing, though it is possible that if you tell your kids in a relaxed way, they might not think it is interesting enough to blab around.  If the town learns, it will be a nine-day wonder, and then they will go back to their own lives.  (This will be true whether you divorce or not.)  After his anger subsides, my guess is that your husband will want to know if you want to be married to him or not (an affair is a little hint to a guy that his wife doesn't like him any more), so be ready to tell him if you do.

I am sorry, I did so want to suggest you could let sleeping dogs lie.  But the problem is, your son.  He is going to have to know sooner or later, and you have a better chance of his not being infuriated with you when he finds out, if it is something he has always known.
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
I agree that you need to privately get a DNA test with your lover.  

Secondly,  if you know for sure it's not your husband's baby,  without a DNA test just by timing of sex,  your husband must know too and he's decided not to do anything about it.  

I'm not a believer that children have a "right" to know who their biological parents are.  They have a right to be raised with love and stability in a two parent married stable home,  but as far as genetics,  I don't believe they have a right to know that if it will destroy the stability of their home.  Best to be in a stable home than know  whose sperm you came from,  IMHO.

I'm concerned that if you decided to just soldier on and not ruin the home you made for your first child,  this man might later come out and want to announce.    Once he's divorced and has nothing at all to lose,  he might want to claim his child.  Sadly,  especially if your child turns out to be exceptionally handsome or athletically gifted.  Because shallow people are like that.

You're kind of stuck here.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Thanks so much for these comments...  Here is a little bit more info...  My husband and I are very much in love and have a very happy life together and I will never think of leaving him.  The birth father is a friend of ours and we conceived the son through a one time fling.  He is saddened by the fact that he sees pictures of the child and that he can't be a part of his life - but he has a family and life of his own.  We are not for sure if we should just take this secret to our graves or just be honest and open it up - which would screw up numerous people's lives.  Thanks for any additional help or comments and thanks for understanding me!
Blank
134578_tn?1404951303
(Again, how do you know that he is the birth father?  Did you have a DNA test?)
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I would have a DNA test performed and you can do this without anyone being suspicious.  So long as you know the health of the boys father, and have a way of knowing what is in his family, I would not tell anyone, and never the boy.  Your husband already loves this child, and he can grow up in a happy loving home with two parents or you can ruin a bunch of people's lives by telling the truth. So long as you are committed to this marriage, leave it alone, and take it to your grave.  I agree with Rockrose on this one.  You made a mistake, now make a happy, loving home for your child.  I believe in honesty, but I also don't believe in destroying lives when it's not needed.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I am absolutely positive that he is the birth father.  No, no DNA test.  
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
babette,  if you're absolutely positive about who the birth father is - that there's no room at all for questioning,  it sounds possible your husband knows too.  
Blank
1391531_tn?1289167743
Yes a child does not need to know  who their bio dad is like rock rose wrote,but if this comes out in the future by mistake or the bio dad deiced it is time to come out, that stable family built on a lie will crumble and crumble hard it will be bad for and on  everyone especially the innocent ones your 2 children and husband. Hopefully if you tell him now your husband will decided to say with you and continue to with a stable family his choose the longer you lie the worse it will be.You are not the only one how knows this secret the bio dad knows to ,so you might be able take it to you grave but do you know that 100% that he will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And if not then what will happen to that happy stable loving home you made and built for your family and children,
And as for your son what if at age 13 or older you found that your mom lied and she tells you that your dad is not your bio dad how would you feel and how would your dad a man who thought was your child was not feel.Tell your husband work it out if he decides to stay then the two of you can decide together when how and if you will tell your son.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
i agree with above posts i would still get the dna,and if it turns out to be from the other person then your husband and everyone else do have a right to know,you will have to be honest with your child at some stage,so i would do it now.
Blank
134578_tn?1404951303
I am for telling because I don't believe the secret will keep.  Someone else knows.  The guy does, and maybe someone he has told, or the person who works at the hotel, or the person who accidentally saw you together.

I do have trouble understanding how you are so absolutely positive, if you haven't had a DNA test.  You can't judge by how a baby looks.  If you simply had not had any sex with your husband for several months and this affair was in the middle of that time period, well, as RockRose says, your husband may already know.  If he does know and has made peace with it, your options are a little less complicated.  Chances are he will want to stay married, and so at least you're not in the position of having to risk your family over the situation.  If you had sex with both men within a short time window, then there is a chance of either man being the dad.  Get the DNA test, I hear they are available at Walgreen's, and you can test with you, the baby and the man you think is the father, without your husband ever knowing.  At least you will rule out (or in) the possibility that it is your husband's.  I would do that before you do anything else.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I know this post is old but I was wondering how things turned out. I am in a similar situation; only I've let it eat at me for 6 years allowing a man who I know is not my daughter's father to raise her. (We haven't been in a relationship for a while now) I don't need a DNA test either and are 100% positive who her father is. Her bio father was married at the time but I wasn't. He has recently divorced and now he and I have been extensively talking about letting this cat out the bag. My conscious has been killing me but I wanted to hide this as much as he did while he was married... It just dawned on me (I'm a dummy here...) that whether then or now, the math is easy and people will still know I had an affair with a married man, then knowingly allowed another man (who I was not in a relationship with when I became pregnant) to raise her. The man who has been her father has been in love with me forever and still tries to convince me that we should be married and give "our daughter" a 2 parent home... smh Her bio dad, now divorced, says we are too old not to do the right thing and that we should be married... (sounds like some bs since if either of us was "doing the right thing", we wouldn't be in this position now.) I would love to hear your story ended well... I need encouragement and hope for a bright outcome out of this mess I've created...
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
..... Also to thinkpositively1
Betraying your partner once is bad enough.
Betraying him every day is quite another altogether.
Tell the Truth & face up to your responsibilities.  
Consider how you would feel if the situation was reversed.
OK men cannot lie in the same way women can here.
But imagine your best friend or sister's child turned out to be fathered by your man. That would be about the closest equivalent.
And they lied to you every day of life about it.
The Truth is always best.
True Love cannot be based upon ongoing lies.
Good Luck
Blank
9628609_tn?1404932957
I TOTALLY AGREE WITH ScotsGuy1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO true. You will feel a guilty pit in the bottom of your stomach and a deep pain in your heart every time you see your husband with your little boy knowing that you are cheating 3 people out of the truth, The bio dad has a right and your little man does to. You already betrayed your husband DONT DO IT AGAIN. please tell  your husband.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Sorry to resurrect a dead thread, but can we get an update? Did you end up telling your husband or did you decide to let it go and take it to your grave?
How are things now?  
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Child Behavior Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
The 3 Essentials to Ending Emotiona...
4 hrs ago by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating Control: How to St...
Aug 28 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Children's Health Answerers
134578_tn?1404951303
Blank
AnnieBrooke
OR
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
Avatar_m_tn
Blank
Sandman2
San Pedro, CA
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
4851940_tn?1385441629
Blank
jemma116
United Kingdom
757137_tn?1347200053
Blank
allmymarbles
NJ