Sociopath Symtems in child

My daughter is 9 years old and has been through a lot. We (as a family) have been in counseling for three years. Our counselor   indicated that she is worried that she has been displaying some Sociopath symptoms, such as lack of remorse, habitual lying, a sense of entitlement and her lack of care for others. I know it is a bit early for a diagnosis such as this, but we want to make sure that we do everything we can as parents to help her.  My main concern at this point is her lack of concern regarding punishment. We have grounded her, taken privileges away as well as even returning her Christmas presents (that was a reaction to her stealing repetitively from school, us and her grandparents, which she was warned that the next time she lied she would lose a present until they were all gone.) She did not seem to care what limits we have set or what she has to lose. Her father, although not diagnosed professionally (my ex, who does not have contact) is believed by teachers and other professionals to be a sociopath. I am afraid with what I have read that this may be hereditary and may have been passed down. I also read that homes that are overly harsh with discipline   may make this worse. Our counselor has recommended that every time she does something wrong, meaning something that she should be grounded for, once we tell her, if she throws a fit (which she could win an Oscar for)  that we start counting and add a day each time. She has been grounded for close to two months in the past (repeating the same offense over and over prolonging  the punishment). Are there alternatives to punishments that may be more effective?

[RockRose]

Two months is too long to ground a 9 year old.  The thing is,  when you ground her,  you are restricting her from things she needs - getting out with friends and socializing.  She needs that to develop normally,  and after all - that's the goal.  The goal isn't to seek revenge for her lack of control of her temper.  The goal is to mold her into a normal healthy young woman.    Taking socializing  away from her takes away normal development,  especially when the length of time is so extreme.  

She may wel lhave inherited sociopathic personality from her father.  I'm a huge believer in nature,  vs. nurture.  

In this case,  you need to work with her socially, and not just keep isolating her when she exhibits antisocial traits.

[airwhizz]

We do that as well. We have gotten her involved with several organizations for kids. It is not that we want to do this, we want alternatives to it, because it is too extreme. She absolutely loves the girl scouts and the community work that we do.  That is why we are writing in. We want alternatives to the extreme techniques.

[Agiesmom]

My son doesn't lie, lack remorse, or steal, but he does get this, "I don't care!" mentality when he loses privileges.  If he misbehaves and I take computer time away, he says, "I don't care!  Take tomorrow's time, too!"  I was like that as a kid, too, and my husband is pretty stubborn, so I can see where he gets it.

I have learned to take time to think of a reasonable consequence instead of just blurting things out in the moment.  I have said, "There will be a consequence for this." and when he says, "And what is that?" I say, "I will think about that and get back to you."  Then I leave the room.  That way, he doesn't melt down and I have time to think.  Then when I sit with him later to tell him what privileges he lost and for how long, we are both calm and he is reasonable and receives it better.  Or sometimes I will say, "This is what you did.  What do you think is a reasonable consequence for doing that?"  (Surprisingly, he often comes up with a tougher consequence for himself than I had in mind.)

I think the most important thing is to not let her engage you.  The things she says and does when she's angry are meant to get a reaction from you.

[airwhizz]

The shrink recommended it, because it is the one thing that she reacts too. She hates being board and will do anything to find something to do. The stealing was because we would say no, but not because we could not afford it. She has several Grandparents (my parents, my husbands and my ex's parents are divorced.Each birthday, Christmas etc, she gets a present from each of them. I have asked them to stop this and donate to charity, or buy books instead of toys because she has enough toys for two rooms and we have even encouraged her to give some away, it is not a lack of need, more impulse control)

I am not sure that dumping the shrink is the best idea. When she was very little up until about 5 years ago, there was little consistency. She does react to her in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable and usually in a positive way as an end result. She shares with her more than she has ever shared with any other counselor. Sometimes these things take time.

[jd1419]

I do agree two months is a long time--but again you are the parent and need to do what you feel is right...is there a way that when she does steal or lie that you do take something away--say you take away her TV watching and then have her go to a senior center and donate time--they are always looking for volunteers to read to patients.  That way she is still doing something for good and actually may find a place that she enjoys to go and patients always look forward to young people.

Keeping her as busy as possible is the only way I think to kep her on track--sometimes kids just do not care if they are punished--you need to look at it this way also--if she is punished you are punished if it keeps you from doing the things that you want and need to do--so she wins---make sure that whatever you do to her does not impact your life to an extent--that way it will prove that she lives with the consequences and not the parents.

As for Christmas gifts if she has such an extended family have them buy savings bonds for her--that way for the future when she goes to college she will have some money to use for it--or set up a college fund for her so they can donate right into it---it is no fun when someone gives money to a chairity for a little girl...and Christmas is about fun.  That is one thing that should never be messed with for kids.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is sensible to have some sort of discipline for violating the household rules. However, such a lengthy grounding is not a good idea for a child so young (or for any child, actually). You would do better by relying on a system whereby some privilege is available to her each day if she complies with the rules, and that same privilege is denied her for that day if she violates the rules. Thus, you essentially reward her for approrpiate behavior. An example would be computer play. If she abides by the rules, she's allowed some time on the computer. If she does not follow the rule, she does not have access to the computer on that day. So every dat she wakes up is a new day, so to speak. Yes, it's important to discipline her for misbehavior. But it's also important to reward her for good behavior. If you want a reliable guide to behavior management, read Lynn Clark's SOS Help for Parents.

[airwhizz]

Thank you to everyone who responded. I will get that book and we are working on all of your ideas (everyone).

[shagdaddy]

My wife took our two younger kids and left because my 9 year old daughter is exhibiting sociopathic tendencies. She wants me to send her back to her mother, who is likely a sociopath as well. That's why I got custody of her in the first place. For one thing, her mother probably won't be honsest about issues with a therapist since she herself isn't honest about her own issues. Also, having overheard the huge fight we had, if I now go to my daughter and ask how she would feel about living with her mother, she will obviously know the reason and probably feel like no one wants her. I don't know what to do.