Son Age 12 mentaly abuses Mother

[Dean22]

Hi Ive been with my partner for just over a year. She separated from her previous partner some 18 months before because she was being physicaly abused ie black eyes broken ribs etc. My daughter 14 also lives with us. Her son purposely sets out to create problems between both his parents which has now escalated to him creating bigger issues throughout the family.

The latest example was late one saturday approx 1am in the morning in the privacy of our own bedroom we made love. Within minutes he was standing outside the door shouting for her to stop. There was a discusion between mother and son the following morning  which appeared to resolve the issue. later that day he went to stay with his father. 4 days later he decided to tell his father that he was very unhappy about the incident and demanded to go stay with his nan and grandad who he then relayed the story also. Her parents being what they are didnt act responsibly but engaged in a full on discusion with the 12 year old  and then brung other members of the family into the discusion. So  now you an abusive ex at my partners parents home engaging in bitter nasty conversations in front of the son about his mother, escalating it to include further family members all anxious to get their opinions in.

The son returned, having made no contact at all with my partner for two weeks (when with us he tries to call his father everyday), and within hours had his mum in floods of tears saying that nan and grandad dont like you, I'm going to live with my dad as soon as he gets a house, your aunt and uncle dont approve of you and no-one likes Dean (me).

This isnt the first incident whereby my partners son causes this scale of problem. He blatently lies, re-writes history to suit himself - this is something Ive noticed his father and my partners parents do. If I didnt love my partner so much my daughter and I would be gone.
The son has no friends despite many offers to have school friends etc over. When my partner and her ex were together the son was also physicaly abused, hit and tormented by his father. He appears to have re-written history and now kicks back at the mother who loves, cares and dotes over him - the more she does the harder he hurts her back.

My partner is a sweet, caring, loving mother who never engages in family nastiness but this is on the edge of out of control and the worse thing is............... I just know it will happen again and she will get hurt and fall victim.
What can be done?


Many Thanks

Dean

[RockRose]

This isn't an unusual dynamic.  An abusive father moves out,  has a change of heart about how he behaved,  makes 'good" with the kids and the kids welcome him back and turn against the mother.  This is fairly typical.   If his dad really has changed the way he's treating the son (and it sounds like he has) this boy needs his dad.  Boys need their dads to grow up and act like men,  and if this man is finally acting like a father to him and nurturing him,  and wanting him,  it's a positive in this boy's life.

So.  Why doesn't your partner's family like you?  

And in the future,  don't have sex while other people are in the house  in a way that other people know it.  

It sounds like the boy has a very supportive exended family - maybe it would be for the best if he lived with his dad for awhile.

[Dean22]

Many thanks for your comments and advice.
I think my partners family don't like me because they see Jill as being differant since she's been with me. She's happier, feels more independant, I encourage and support her to be all that she can after years of being tied to the kitchen. Her family had a bigger role in her life when she was weaker and subjected to acts of violence.
Her parents are strange and seem to 'fall out' with other family members on a regular basis and then get very nasty and bitter. Ive never seen or experienced such bitter negativity towards those you should love.

I agree its good to be supportive but actualy running the boys mother down, as  a group, in front of him, without any good reason is just alien to me.

Regarding us making love - it was 1am in the morning, not particularly loud  - the boy will not sleep with the light off or door open and was standing right outside our door. If we had known he was awake it wouldnt have happened.

[Agiesmom]

I think you hit the nail on the head with her family, Dean--they obviously liked it better when she needed them and obviously don't like that she does not now.

I think to contradict them in a forceful way will just be viewed as fighting to the kids (something your girlfriend's son (especially) does not need).  Even if it isn't in a loud way--I just wouldn't refute anything they say or do...to do so can somehow seem to justify what they say.  Just have a quiet "knowing" about you--that you are strong, happy, and right.  If forced to say anything, resort to, "That's too bad they feel that way." and nothing more.  Her son will eventually grow up and look back on it more positively than if you try to go head to head with anyone or even go back and forth or try to defend or deny the ridiculous things they say.

And while I don't think you did anything "wrong" with regard to the love making (other than the old-fashioned part of me thinking the two of you shouldn't be sleeping in the same room in front of kids when you aren't married), you obviously should be more careful in the future.  No kid wants to hear their parents doing that, never mind their mother and her boyfriend.  Seriously...only do that when he's not there and there's no chance of him knowing about it.

Is the boy's father still abusive to him?

[CP70]

I have a comment that might be a bit different.

I have been through the same thing:The fit because of having an intimate moment to the abusive spouse. My child's reaction was the same. and even trying to pit my x against me (gosh she even tried to with my partner by saying I cheat on him all the time)

This is  called a cycle of manipulation!!!!!!!

all adults need to be on the same page with this or its going to continue. I think it would be wise for your partner (for her to feel empowered instead of the victim) to get everyone together to have a discussion about the manipulation this child does and find a starting base on how things will be handled. And it must be handled the same on all ends. Adults need to take back the control.

Set some ground rules: and stay firm.

I commend you for your dedication to your partner, it does take a strong person to deal with this (on the same token if no one does anything help or change this behavior then it would be wise for your to consider your own options to stay or leave). I understand how trying it is and how chaotic it is. I live it myself.

I do want to add this... Parents/partners with child like this have sacrificed over and over again for their child/children.  In a sense I have stopped living that part of my adult life to not upset my child or to avoid introducing her to people I have dated because I knew they would not want to stick around. BUT everyone need adult interaction and intimacy. If your house is anything like mine alone time is RARE! So do not stop sharing your special time because there are children in the house. Married couples don't why should you. Its part of a adult relationship which we owe to ourselves to have. I am not being selfish by saying that I am being realistic.

best of luck!

[Dean22]

Hi It's so nice to able to remove the emotion and talk- Thank you. I appreciate and value your comments.
The good news is, after a full day of my partner being in tears yesterday through her sons persistant nastiness, he has now gone to live with his father.

We talked for hours last night preparing her for the first day of the rest of her life- today Wednesday 13th August and this morning it was like a huge weight had been lifted from the home- we all sat at breakfast engaged in normal conversation, talking about our day - made plans for this evening.

I'm hoping that when all this calms down he'l come and visit at weekends and then maybe my partner will get the best of him- she's a wonderful person and deserves happiness. I love her so very much.

Once again- thanks and good luck.

Dean x

[Dean22]

Hi - thank you so much for your comments and advice. It's so nice to able to share with others and gain anothers perspective and view.
The good news is, after a full day of my partner being in tears yesterday through her sons persistant nastiness, he has now gone to live with his father.

We talked for hours last night preparing her for the first day of the rest of her life- today Wednesday 13th August and this morning it was like a huge weight had been lifted from the home- we all sat at breakfast engaged in normal conversation, talking about our day - made plans for this evening.

I'm hoping that when all this calms down he will come and visit at weekends and then maybe my partner will get the best of him- she's a wonderful person and deserves happiness. I love her so very much.

I hope everything works out for you too.
Take care

Dean x