Son confussed

[confussed565]

I found out that a few months ago in my house my sons cousin 12 forced my son to suck his penis.  Then the cousin made his sister do the same and then another cousin do the same.  My son also pulled his pants and had all cousins do it to him.

My son knows right from wrong, we are religious people, we have spoken on various occasions about not having anyone touch your private parts.  My son is a very good boy but when in a group follows everybody else instead of being the voice of reason and telling everyone that this action is wrong.

I have spoken to him, he said he did something wrong and that he wont do it again.  But I am heatbroken, how could he have done this and not told me for over 3 months.  

My question is this normal, will this loss of innocence mean that my son may be homosexual or is this just playing or the hormones going crazy.  I don't know what to think,  Should I take him to see a counselor to guide him.  Help me please.

[SL345]

Your reaction to your son's circumstances may be the single most important predictor of his adjustment going forward than any other variable. How old is you son? How was this disclosed to you? Please describe what you mean by "forced." It is highly unlikely that these circumstances in and of themselves would make your son homosexual. Have you discussed with him how he feels about what happened. In order for him to give you a more honest answer, you have to be prepared to temporarily put aside your reaction to what he's telling you. if you don't think you can do that, then maybe you should find a professional who specializes in this area (i.e., sexual abuse) who can evaluate your son. Assuming this was an act of sexual aggression perpetrated by your nephew (?), the biggest immediate question you need to consider is that since he is being accused of abusing multiple victims, who needs to be told about this to be sure he hurts no one else and the get the help he needs. Many kids who are sexually aggressive have themselves been victims of some kind of maltreatment or exposure to sexual overstimulation.

[confussed565]

My son is 11, it all started out as a game.  My son was outside his cousin locked him out of the house, my son knocked on the door asking for the door to be opened.  His cousin said only if you s--- my penis, so my son said yes.  Once my son got indoors he ignored his cousin so the cousin said it again and my son said okay, he got on his knees and then the cousin shoved his face.  Then my son said now do it to me, and the cousin did and then the cousin told his sister and another female cousin (age 8 both of them) to s--- my sons penis.  I asked my son why he did it, why he didn't refuse and his answer is "I don't know".  I asked him what he felt and he said it felt tingly, and his cousin did this to him 3 times.  I spoke to my son nicely, asked why he didn't tell me why I had to find our from his uncle and he said he was afraid of the consecuences because he knew it was wrong.  I have spoken to him twice, the first time I was calm and understanding the second time I was angry and told him that I did't know what to think, that I believed I had failed as a mother since he did not have the confidence to tell me and because all that I taught him when he is alone he did not put it into practice.  

I asked him if he thaught he was homosexual and he said no.  Again I asked him why he did it and he says he doesn.t know.

I want to belive it was a game and that it will never happen again.  Meanwhile I need to call his uncle to appologize for this and to excuse me self for not being more vigilant.  I have found out that the cousin and his sister have been doing this often with themselves, I know that we can no longer have a relationship or see each others families so that this never happens again. Also I will call my sister in law to tell her that her kids need to get help.  Does any one think that all 4 cousins should get counseling together

I have told my son not to mention this to anyone EVER...

Meanwhile I cant get this problem out of my head and I feel that my heart has been scared.  I ask God to guide me in these tough times and also protect my son from any other evils.

[SL345]

I'm sorry that you are going through such a painful time. It's important to try not to panic or over-react to the circumstances. Before you could help with this, my impression is that you would need to do a lot of inward reflection to be able to put all this in perspective. Somehow, sadly, in our society we are able to handle children's behavior in many forms, except when it comes to sex. Once that aspect of humanity is brought into the equation many people become overwhelmed and paralyzed. You're not alone in this by any means. Why does sexual behavior need to be considered so different from other behavior problems - such an abomination? Why does the Lord look at this behavior any different from other behaviors that could hurt someone? People tend to either overreact or under-react when it comes to sexual behavior. They either think kids should never speak of it again, or else they think it's just boys-will-be-boys and no one needs to think anyone was hurt. They have trouble dealing with it on a case-by-case basis just as they might with physical aggression. You would never tell a child who hit another child to never speak of it again. Yet we bury these incidents in families as eternal secrets that bring shame and self doubt.
It would be very sad indeed if your family broke apart over these incidents, although I could certainly understand that you wouldn't allow the children to go off as they customarily did.

The fact that your son didn't tell you about what he did should not be taken as a sign that he is doomed. The reality is that children do have sexual feelings, they behave in sexual ways, in spite of adults admonitions not to do so, and they hide it from adults. Similarly, kids also have aggressive feelings and urges - they hit each other even though adults tells them not to. Somehow, we are better able to deal with the latter than the former. Parents are more tolerant of kids physically abusing a child than sexually touching. Yes, we need to try to temper these behaviors in kids so they don't run around discharging these feelings in ways that hurt themselves and others. However, these behaviors do occur. Sadly, our society has begun to treat children who exhibit sexual behaviors as lifelong predators who need to be locked up and placed on lifelong sex offender registries. It's really scary. Furthermore, 11 year old boys have homosexual feelings, even though they are most often not homosexual. This is unfathomable to most parents.

The most important things are, in my opinion: 1) the children's future physical and psychological safety need to be ensured; 2) the children need to take responsibility for what they did wrong; 3) the children need to deal with what they did so it doesn't leave any psychological wounds that affect them in the future. The most egregious violation was by the older kids and the 8 year old. The age difference is concerning, as well as the fact that this has occurred many times in the past. It sounds as though there is a problem in your brother's home that he needs to deal with. It is he who should be apologizing to you, although there is plenty of responsibility to go around and pointing figures at a time like this is less productive and tends to be divisive. The oldest boy, barring some developmental or emotional problems, is the one who bears the greatest responsibility and liability.

Speak to your priest or minister. Chances are he/she has dealt with problems of this kind in the past. The Lord does not want to punish you or your children for what happened. The Lord is a forgiving Lord who wants people to stay safe and protect themselves. Pray for the strength to deal with this and not bury it as a family secret. You can deal with it - many families have found the strength to do so in the past and have found out ways to stay together in peace, safety and harmony.

Wishing you the best.

[confussed565]

Thank you so much for your knowledge and the kind words.  Many things you have said are very true.  I pray everyday for the strength to make the rite decisions and to have God guide me to do the correct thing.

I am going to get counseling for myself and for my son.

Thanks again for your wisdom and the elloquence in your writing.

God Bless You and you family.